Some (most) of you are probably wondering who Gary Neville is. He is not a Neville Brother, but after a quick Google image search we realized he never smiles and is probably not wearing pants in this shot.
Sure, we already know he is nuts and has one of the most impressive blow and rum bloats in all of Latin America. Sadly, the most fascinating thing about this video is the production value. We are always a fan of huge water marks and music scores composed by John Tesh.
Legendary U.K. newspaper, The Sun, has upped the journalism ante once again with a sweeping, twenty-word, epic ballad (shown above) that will surely challenge the perception of what sports reporting really is from this day forth.
The mind-blowing masterpiece, which some have crudely labeled an "article," goes into lengthy detail about the tale of a young Manchester City footballer named Stefan Savic and his possible loan transfer to a pack of wild wolves, which are somehow managed by a human named Stale Solbakken.
The story has sent shockwaves across the world, with several news reporting giants (including the New York Times) already folding as a show of respect. It will be fascinating to see how The Sun tops this bold triumph, but if anyone has the balls to try, surely it is the newspaper that shows a new pair of tits everyday.
The Euro 2012 tournament kicks off today with many burning questions: Will Spain make it three tournaments in a row? Will racism mar the games? What will the Euro organizers do with all the cigarette butts? (Sources say they will be put together to create a giant soccer ball trophy). Without further ado, the SportsHernia's hastily thrown together EURO 2012 preview.
GROUP A: (aka - The Hairy Bracket)
Much like their Euro co-hosts the Ukrainians, the Poles haven’t advanced past the group stage in any major tournament for decades and their fans are known for their wildly racist behavior, making them a logical choice to be a host country. If you're traveling to Poland to watch the games, enjoy the beef kielbasa and the ridiculously hot women, and check one last time to make sure you're not black.
Many wonder if this team will show up at all to this year's Euro - literally. Because of the country's historically abysmal economic climate, players from Greece are traveling to the tournament on makeshift boats made of 10-speed bikes, gold jackets and pita bread. If they do make it, expect heated on-field arguments over who makes the best Koulourakia in Astoria, Queens.
How the hell are the Russians allowed to play in this tournament? Isn't four-fifths of their country located in Asia? And isn't that part 15 times the size of Europe? Regardless, the Russians still blow and have only gotten past the group stage once in their history. That being said, they have three guys on this years team named "Igor," so anything is possible.
Look for the Czechs to lead the tournament in high cheekbones, camera cutaways to their hot girlfriends and names that include the letters J, K, Y, W, V. Also look for them to be tanning themselves in the middle of the field during halftime.
Group A Fun Fact: Greek players are not legally allowed on the national team until they can grow a full beard in under an hour
GROUP B: (aka - The Happy Bracket)
If the Netherlands new law banning tourists from buying weed in certain areas is any indication, the Dutch are fucking pissed. Clearly, Nigel De Jong is poised to literally murder someone with his cleats this year. On a more positive note, the generally good-looking Dutch fans are known to travel well, so expect more camera shots of Orange than the notoriously banned "Great Oompa Loompa Orgy" porn of 1997.
Did you know that it's actually the Kingdom of Denmark, which also comprises Greenland?! Yeah, we wikipedia'd that. So gather up your fucking kroners, crack a Carlsberg and bet on these happy underdogs. Caroline Wozniacki, mutherfucker! One downside though: Denmark is the reigning Euro handball team champion.
The Germans 16-year trophy drought predictably coincides with their depressing departure from the "short shorts / permed mullet / terrifying mustache" era. Look for the Germans to finally wise up, don Rudi Voller wigs and have their balls dangling out of neatly hemmed shorts.
Without sounding too harsh, this team might be the biggest collection of pussies we have seen outside of a Wilt Chamberlain book. Needless to say, they are going to get their cunts slapped by all of the above teams. Best case scenario: Ronaldo is somehow able to transmit whatever super-STD he currently has onto his opponents, knocking them out of the tournament and countless Ibiza orgies over the summer.
Group B Fun Fact: Portugal's no. 1 export is sweat
Nothing changes an average game like Betting Online. When you have a stake in the outcome of a contest, a typical match can become a memorable event. One might say that it's even more fun than a sports hernia...
and you could come away with some extra cash! The only better feeling than winning is having extra pocket money.