The Sports Hernia Blog

New Madden 09 features revealed!!

Another year, and another round of sizzling new features for the wildly popular Madden gaming series.  Just like last year, the Hernia mole was able to get an advanced copy and unlock many of the new exciting features.  Here's his report: 

• Play even more online games with the new "I'm never getting laid" mode.
• Print out a picture of your worst enemy and paste in on the game's cover for your very own voodoo case!
• Unlock secret mode with the Steelers & Browns to play Excitebike with Big Ben and Lieutenant Winslow
• Ultra-Realistic Gameplay: Unless you trade him out of New Orleans, Jeremy Shockey will go on the DL by Week 3 (gonorrhea)
• New Wii edition comes with life-like replica of Jets center Nick Mangold's crotch to take all snaps from
• Compete in preseason boxing matches with Steve Smith
• New "Pacman Tank" feature allows Cowboys to acquire any and all active criminals
• Choose from over 14 different in-season Tony Romo distractions to play with
• New feature let's you upload your current fantasy football roster as your team, once this is complete you will immediately be mailed the Super Madden Masturbating Kit, since you won't see a vagina for the next 10 years
• Put on the Spanish language feature and laugh as the announcer refers to Chad Johnson as "Eight Five."
• N.Y. Jets now included in game!
• Hit L1, trigger and R2 at the same time and watch Jason Taylor change outfits, raise his arms and dance, dance, dance!
• Due to licensing issues, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones to be replaced on sidelines with Skeksis
• Exciting new 11-on-3 Emmitt Smith "get debacled" mode.
• Go undefeated for the season and play bonus game of Contra with your two favorite NFL gun-toting assholes.
• Fuck it: Chicago Bears don't even have a QB on their roster
• More engaging preseason mode that lets you select where to have your team hooker party; on a boat or at Dante Culpeppers mansion.
• Play one game with the 18-0 Patriots!
• Left-Right-Up-Down-Left-twirl-A-B-A-O-L-R unlocks Bill Belichecks MILF mistresses bra (to which can be placed on Belicheck's head or manboobs)
• Win the Superbowl with the Detroit Lions and literally become the next head coach of the Lions

It's the Olympics!! On NBC!!!

It's PRIME-TIME on NBC!! It's Mens Synchro Diving!!

It's The Chinese team!! Unleashing the dangerous "Reverse Double Farting Flying Squirrel" to a stunned crowd!!

It's spectacular diving drama!! With horrible disasters and breathtaking perfect 10's!!

IT'S....uhhhhh.....um....wait, what the hell is this??

Seriously, what the hell is going on here?  I'm still watching the Olympics right? Is someone sitting on the remote? What's getting  judged here?

OK, fuck this... I'm watching "Walker: Texas Ranger" re-runs...

Cashman explains "the move" to A-Rod

Cashman:  All right.  On your bed.  You got a headboard?  You'll need a headboard.

A-Rod:  It's a race car bed, but yeah, the overhanging windshield is the headboard.

Cashman:  Is it padded?

A-Rod:  The headboard isn't, but the knees in my pajama pants are.

Cashman:  Good.  It's Madonna now, right?  How tall is she?

A-Rod:  Five-foot four, and really jacked.  Why?

Cashman:  You can't have more than a one-foot differential in your heights.  Otherwise, you could really hurt your neck.

A-Rod:  Phew.  I'm 6'3", I just make it.  Bri, I can't tell ya how much I appreciate this.  Can I involve lipstick?

Cashman:  No.

A-Rod:  What if it's purple?

Cashman:  You're drifting again.

A-Rod:  Can I slap my balls out of her hand?

Cashman:  Focus Alex, if you could master this, you'll never be alone.  Now, the ending is kind of an option.  I use the swirl.  I like the swirl.  I'm comfortable with the swirl.  I feel the swirl is a great capper.  I've used the pinch, but I find it a little presumptuous.

A-Rod:  Is it a clockwise swirl?

Cashman:  I prefer clockwise, but it's not written in stone.

Legendary foreign draft prospects of the NBA

With the always humorous NBA draft less than a week away, the Sports Hernia took an emotional look back at past legends of Europe that have hit the league, yet have somehow already been forgotten.  So go ahead and finish growing out that Sarunas Marciulionis mustache you've been talking about, throw in some awful Halloween teeth and enjoy the ride.

Brad Newley
(54th pick, Orlando Magic -- 2007)

Country:  Australia
Vital Stats:  Two webbed feet
Interesting Fact:  Hates the Utah Jazz.  Those things you see behind him are puppeteer strings used by his coach that assist him in getting proper positioning underneath.
Listed NBA Comparison:  Scouting report says 'N/A' -- Wow. So final, as if there will never be a comparison to Newley.  A simple "We'll get back to you" would've sufficed.
Recommended NBA comparison:  Lloyd Christmas.  Funnily enough, Newley is actually from Austria:
"Austria!  Well, then.  G'day mate!  Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!"
Notes:  Already independently wealthy as a result of the lucrative  modeling contract he signed with 'got2b' hair gel, so scouts know this Aussie is playing for the love of getting dunked on.  The graceful stud had always wondered why everyone he was speaking to had their eyes rolled into the back of their heads until he later realized they were just looking at his forehead.

*****

Ha-Sueng Jin
(47th pick, Portland Trailblazers -- 2004)

Country: South Korea
Vital Stats:  12'7, 855 lbs
Interesting Fact: Jin was discovered by Chad Ford on the South Korean eHarmony (see profile pic above).  Has boned your girlfriend.
Listed NBA comparison:  Mark Eaton.
Recommended NBA comparison:   Arco Arena Jumbotron.
Notes: Only player to wear a leather coat during all pre-draft workouts.  The only English he knows is "Baaby Ruuth!"

*****

Chiekh Samb
(51st pick, Detroit Pistons -- 2006)

Country:  Senegal
Vital Stats:  7'1, 126 lbs
Interesting Fact:  After reading up on his lengthy list of weaknesses we did a rough translation as to what the scouts meant.  They might want to revise it to this, just so things are a bit more clear:  'Doesn't quite understand the game, is unsure he's playing basketball, does not know where he is and is not happy to be there.  Also dislikes photographers.'
Listed NBA Comparison:  N/A
Recommended NBA Comparison:  A much less physical Manute Bol.
Notes:  Lacks shoulders, as arms are duct-taped to torso, making shot blocking ability even more impressive.  Would like to be left alone.

*****
 

Joel Freeland
(30th pick, Portland Trailblazers -- 2006)

Country: England
Vital Stats:  3 visible chest hairs.
Intersting Fact:   Wears humorous "I'm With Joel" t-shirt when rolling with Joel Pryzbilla.
Listed NBA comparison:  Keon Clark.  Upon finding this out, Freeland couldn't believe how much his NBA career was about to suck.  Also, sounds like a Keebler Elf when speaking.
Notes:  Freeland still can't believe he was taken 30th overall; he also can't believe he took honorable mention at the 8th grade Science Fair last week. His bad-boy image stems from several suspensions for reading Harry Potter during pre-game film study.

*****

Cenk Akyol
(59th pick, Atlanta Hawks -- 2005)

Country:  Turkey
Vital Stat:  Is actually a 9-year-old with a thyroid condition
Intersting Fact:  Really loves to meet people.  Has no idea he was chosen by the Hawks in 2005.
Listed NBA comparison:  Surprise, 'N/A'
Recommended NBA comparison:  A younger, more fun Jeff Foster, but with a mean streak like Ricky Davis.
Notes:  Would like to contact the Hawks about an eventual flight to Atlanta. Is a total shoe whore. Plays keyboards for electro-clash group Turkeyfried.

*****

Other ways the Mets could have fired Willie

In case you didn't know yet, the Mets wacked Willie Randolph at 3am last night following the team's victory over the Los Angeles Angels.  Seeing that they took such a classless route in letting him and the majority of his staff go, we thought we'd throw in a few ways the organization could have gone about this move a bit classier.

1. Hit Willie over the head with a steel chair while he makes a pitching change; then spray paint “F-I-R-E-D” on his back.
2. Dress up a team of fake Mets to fly with him on a decoy plane to Afghanistan while the real Mets fly to Los Angeles to play the Angels.
3. Release video of Willie playing army with Dark Helmet.
4. Drive him to the woods so Silvio can chase him down and shoot him in the back.
5. Slowly tweeze his mustache one hair at a time until he offers his resignation.
6. Make him wear a Rusty Staub wig and bench coach Jerry Manuel's glasses until the humiliation is just too much to handle.
7. Put him in the trunk of a car and take him to the Pine Barrens, then accidentally let him escape, never to be heard from again.
8. Mic him up to the PA system for all home games and force him to explain each pitching change and lineup move until someone at Shea jumps from the stands and takes him out themselves.
9. Fax him a pink slip while on vacation.
10. Force him to run from the Indiana Jones boulder until it eventually squashes him like a pancake.
11. Put him on the dais of a Roast and then at the end have Carrot Top act out his firing with a flare gun and a large plastic whale.
12. Throw a cooler of water on his back as if they're celebrating something great; then tell him he's fired.
13. Tell him that he's either fired or has to watch Temple of Doom and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull in a row.
14. Have Dog the Bounty Hunter and his crew take Willie from the dugout mid-game.
15. Make him and Rick Peterson hit each other with giant Itchy & Scratchy hammers until they're both out of commission.
16. IM him a crying emoticon and type "TTYL".
17. Have the Undertaker run him over with his suped up hearse.

The NBA really wants you to know it's the Finals

In case you haven't noticed since the NBA Finals began last Thursday, the Larry O'Brien Championship Trophy is everywhere.  Sure, it's always had a presence this time of year and rightfully so, but now you can find it anywhere you look, and it's begun to take on a cartoon-like presence. 

A trophy such as this with so much rich history surrounding it should command respect, but you can't help but laugh at it's painfully forced presence.  Here's a quick look at some of the unusual places where the NBA has been force feeding us the whorish trophy.

- As witnessed at right, Jeff Van Gundy forced to wear gaudy trophy earrings
- Yankees and Red Sox forced to wear Finals Trophy patch
- Team bench towels replaced with replica trophy squeegees
- Mysterious giant trophies carved out in crop fields across globe
- Scot Pollard forced to paint little trophys on his nails
- Doug Collins forced to wear uncomfortable trophy-shaped underwear
- Gheorghe Muresan forced to dance with it on special version of ABC's Dancing with the Stars
- Mike Breen forced to share a hotel room with it (probably not forced)
- Trophy now scripted to win Royal Rumble this weekend
- Joey Crawford forced to officiate every other quarter with it in his pants
- Regis forced to cohost with it for the rest of the week
- Trophy to replace Kramer in all episodes of Seinfeld this week
- NBC Nightly News to be anchored by the Trophy
- Extreme Makeover Home Edition to build new house for family of affable Trophys
- Trophy thankfully replaces Mike Lupica on The Sports Reporters (permanently)
- Curt Schilling spotted nearby taking notes on it (voluntarily)
- Phil Jackson dining with it inside a teepee
- Stern himself spotted in embarrassing, ill-fitted trophy costume

After the jump is a glimpse into the life of this sociable, shameless trophy...

SportsCenter confirms Kiper-McShay hair swap (seriously)

The rumored Mel Kiper-Todd McShay hair swap gained some serious steam earlier this evening as the post we did Saturday afternoon was shown, and shockingly discussed, on SportsCenter by both amused hair swapping parties along with mediating anchor Mike Greenberg.

Quite honestly, we don't even know where to begin, but the irony of Greenberg doing the segment is just too perfect.

All kidding aside, it's nice to see ESPN playing along with the little guys and showing they have a sense of humor.

Mel Kiper, Todd McShay trade hair in draft day shocker

Whatever it might be, Stephen A. Smith simply cannot believe it

The demure one in the center is quite peculiar, it's almost as if he's just taken a pull of some choice kine bud, looked around at all the different characters surrounding him and agreed that this behavior is indeed some bizarre ass shit.

Getting to know Rusty Hardin

I know we're not alone here, so let's get to know the always gracefully yellow, Rusty Hardin.

Height:  5'9" (6'8" when speaking from podium)

Weight:  7 cinder blocks

Hair:  Wooden

College:  Cliff Notes dipped in whiskey

Comparable person in sports:  Jerry Jones sans teeth whitening.

Career changing moment:  When he won the job of becoming Clemens' lead lawyer after successfully writing an entire legal contract using only a baby back rib.

Career highlights/lowlights

• First lawyer to wear hunting gear in courtroom.
• First lawyer to offer whiskey to juror during closing arguments.
• Once hid key evidence in his cleavage.
• Was once sued by his own comb-over.
• Successfully defended Yosemite Sam a whopping 456 times in court, among other high profile celebrity cartoon clients.
• Made it to Hollywood on first American Idol with rousing rendition of "Are you ready for some football?"
• Gained notoriety for successfully defending popular grocery chain Piggly Wiggly after they sold month old 'jumbo gulf shrimp as is', resulting in the disgusting diarrhea outbreak of '01.

Interesting facts

• Invented the briefcase phone and still defiantly uses one.
• Used to date Woody Paige.
• Hates Erin Brockovich.
• Sues himself when he's bored.
• Owns 106 ties in various shades of urine.
• Managed Buddy Garrity in the WWF from 1984-1989.
• Chanted "Let. Them. Play!" at the Astrodome.
• Drank what was left in that Miller Lite can McNamee submitted to Congress.
• Commonly mistakes own teeth for pieces of corn.
• A picture of his nose hangs at the Blarney Stone in Manhattan.
• When he speaks, cartoon characters like the Gazoo scurry out of his mouth.
• Puts Brütt cologne on his sandwiches.
• Loudly chants "Rus-tee, Rus-tee, Rus-tee!" when he wakes up every morning.
• Named two of his Nicotine draped teeth, Bo and Bice.
• Thinks DNA is just another small time wrestling circuit.
• Watches highlight reel of Ric Flair interviews before delivering opening statements.
• Commonly asked by people if he's related to Mr. Furley.
• Uses scotch as salad dressing.
• Many members of his entourage are southern leprechauns.
• Drives a 75-foot 1979 yellow Cadillac that features an entire skeleton of a buffalo as a hood ornament.
• His house is even yellow.