The Sports Hernia Blog

Reminder: Frank Deford exists

Report: Marc Iavaroni apparently trapped inside haunted house at all times

And Iavaroni's pretty positive he will never, ever get out.

Patrick Ewing falls asleep in sauna, turns into 22-year-old

Patrick Ewing fell asleep in a sauna over the weekend, threatening the lives of countless members of his local gym as his sweat caused a tidal wave to burst into the adjacent locker room and spin class.  In a bizarre but fortunate twist, Ewing walked away alive and looking like a 22-year-old. 

Either that or NBA.com is drunk again.

UPDATE:  NBA.com still hasn't updated Ewing's page.  At least when ESPN has made gaffes like this, they change it almost seconds after the discovery.  Perhaps they're holding out for the rights to this magnificent shot?  Nonetheless, a bang up job by the NBA.

Patrick Ewing coaching profile (NBA.com)

Knicks call off LeBron chase after seeing witty fan signs

Yup.  It's off.  Humbled Knicks GM Donnie Walsh gathered with reporters after last night's loss to the Cavs, saying that the cleverness and excellent penmanship exhibited by Cleveland's fan base touched a soft spot for him, leaving him no choice but to call off his team's pursuit of LeBron in 2010, and will instead most likely just make irrelevant trades and acquisitions.

The bigger story once again though is how anyone not 10-years old actually made and held these signs. 

Here's a few ideas that these two marksman left on the floor of their playroom:

Hey New York, Stop It

LeBron Is In Cleveland

Attention Knick Fans, Santa Won't Give You LeBron

This LeBron is from Ohio

LBJ Is Cool and So Is Cleveland, So Step Off

Listen Up New York, Create Your Own King

Pau Gasol: The Sexiest Man Alive

Not only did the wonderful folks at People magazine get it right once again (eat your heart out, Mike Fratello), but the picture of choice for the cover certainly must make believers out of those of you who may have had your doubts. 

The expression on his face that some might foolishly confuse for fear is simply concern, concern for yet another group of women that fainted after he showcased his sexy armpits at the foul line.  Seriously, people need to stop fouling this guy.

Gasol becomes only the second NBA "player" to win the title, with of course renowned adonis Paul Mokeski and his legendary six year run being the first. 

To clarify, no photoshop work was done to him, those are actually Pau Gasol's derailed bottom teeth.

Clausen: 'Jimmy likes the buzz of the big game'

Just hours away from today's Michigan-Notre Dame game in South Bend, the Hernia P.R. prick was persistent enough to be granted a few minutes to sit down with the Irish's highly hyped quarterback, Jimmy Clausen. 

Here are some of the interesting nuggets Jimmy was willing to provide:

The Sports Hernia:  So how are you feeling on a day like this with such a big rival coming to town for what many consider to be a pivotal, telling game for your Irish?
Jimmy Clausen:  Jimmy's excited.  Jimmy can't believe it's finally Saturday.

TSH:  Ok.  Does playing a team like Michigan at home for the first time provide an extra rush of adrenaline?
JC:  Jimmy likes the buzz of the big game.  Michigan or no Michigan, Jimmy likes the roar of the home crowd.  Jimmy wishes the game was starting right now.

TSH:  Uh huh.  How do you expect the offensive line to hold up against a more formidable opponent like the Wolverines?
JC:  Jimmy likes his protection.  Jimmy doesn't like goin' down.  The key is, Don't, Touch, Jimmy.

TSH:  Right.  We know it's still early, but anyone sticking out yet as a favorite go-to target?
JC:  Jimmy's gettin' pretty sweet on Duval Kamara.  Jimmy likes a big target, he's just Jimmy's type.  Jimmy's probably goin' deep today.

TSH:  Sure.  Well now that you're a sophomore, what can fans expect from you that they didn't see last year?
JC:  Jimmy's not so new in town anymore, Jimmy's adjusted.  Jimmy's gonna make the leap this season.

TSH:  Mmm hmm.  So how has your relationship with Charlie Weis been?  Has he served as a mentor?
JC:  Jimmy doesn't like misunderstandings with coach Charlie.  Misunderstandings and Jimmy kinda clash. But Jimmy gets to throw deep in Charlie's offense, and Jimmy loves goin' deep.

TSH:  Whatever.  Last question, Jimmy, does anyone get annoyed that you constantly refer to yourself as Jimmy? 
JC:  Jimmy's the big man on campus, Jimmy likes being Jimmy.  No one would dare try to take the bread out of Jimmy's mouth.  All eyes are on Jimmy, and everyone loves Jimmy.

WFAN band finally revealed

Ever wonder whose responsible for creating the soothing sounds behind WFAN's theme music?  You know, the music that's apparently trapped in time, with absolutely no plans to ever change?  Well after a little research we've learned the talented music troupe you see above are indeed the ones responsible for the magical jingles that put that extra hop in your step on a daily basis.

What's more interesting is, contrary to popular belief, the music is simply not a recording played over and over, each and every day.  These dudes are actually live in the studio, banging it out seven days a week.

Here are some quick notes on the band members:

• Bottom left, 1st row - is he winking at us?  You better believe it, pal.
• Top right, back row - looks like someone slapped a toupee on his head at the last second.  For this reason, we love him.
• Far right, front row -  he's actually the son of the guy behind him with the toupee, and he's furious about the inherited male pattern baldness, but he'd never let you know that.
• Second from left, back row -  he's obviously the rising young star.  Totally in control.
• The guy in the center simply can't believe the band.  And he will never get over it.
• Far left, back row - this guy is always strategically placed there; and I'm pretty sure we all know why.
• Strangely, the guy in the back, 2nd from right, is not even in the band, he just really likes the band.

Legend has it the band came up with the glorious WFAN theme song in one long, inspired session during another manic, drug-filled weekend at Chris Russo's secret lakehouse, under the guidance of legendary producer Rick Rubin.

Time for the asshat mailbag

The question above inspired our own additions to Bill's ever-fresh mailbag, particularly the words, "I turn to you, Mr. Sports guy."  Get porked. 

***

Sports Guy,

My buddy thinks he got crabs from a stripper in Las Vegas.  But his girlfriend has crabs too.  Is there some sort of draft day deal that you can relate this to?

***

Hey Sports Guy,

Should I be concerned that I'm 35 years old and referencing another grown man as "The Sports Guy"?  Thanks Sports Guy, appreciate your feedback.

***

Hi Bill,

It's funny when you compare stuff to other stuff.  That stuff is so funny, it reminds me of funny stuff when you compare stuff to other stuff.  Like even this email, you could turn this stuff into some funny stuff by comparing it to some stuff.

***

SG,

I farted in someone's office at work that had two girls in it.  Can you compare this to a movie and tell us how my fart incident eerily parallels to said movie and its corresponding characters?

***

Dear Sports Guy,

If I'm Screech, and your clearly Zach, and Bill Belichick is Mr. Belding, who is AC Slater?  And can you make this analogy for every Red Sox team over the past 30 years and make sure its at least 75,000 words?  Oh, and can you also include that lady that served me Munchkins at Dunkin Donuts this morning in the analogy?  Thanks!

Clearing the air on sports slang vs. sex slang

With the line between 'sports slang' and 'sex slang' blurring more each and every day, the SportsHernia decided to take a comprehensive look at this phenomenon.  Below are our detailed, and at times graphic findings.

Feel free to add any that we may have missed...

Golden  Sombrero
Sports:  Baseball player striking out 4 times in a game.
Sex:  Getting peed on by an entire mariachi band.

Audible
Sports:  Calling a new play at the line of scrimmage.
Sex:  Jumping out of a speeding cab once you get a good look at the skank you're about to go home with.

Triple Double
Sports:  A basketball player compiling 10 or more (points, steals, assists, etc) in 3 categories.
Sex:  Acquiring 3 venereal diseases in two different states on the same night.

Rim Rocker
Sports:  A thunderous dunk.
Sex:  Slapping someone's bunghole with a bull tongue.

Assist-to-Turnover Ratio
Sports:  Number of assists a basketball player averages vs. the turnovers he commits.
Sex:  Number of positive wingman moves a dude makes vs. number of cockblocks.

No Hitter
Sports:  When a pitcher throws nine innings without giving up a base hit.
Sex:  Boning a girl nine straight times without a condom and without her getting preggo. (Needless to say, you are sterile, you lucky asshole.)

Hook and Ladder
Sports:  Football play involving a pass and immediate lateral.
Sex:  Using fire escape in order to avoid paying a hooker.

Hat Trick
Sports:  Scoring 3 goals in a game
Sex:  Boning a hot piece of ass, her roommate and a cougar in one weekend.
(Special: West Virginia Hat Trick -- Boning a chick, a dude and a sheep in one night.)

Bump and Run
Sports:  Defensive tactic used by cornerbacks in football that involves hitting the WR at the line of scrimmage.
Sex:  Harpooning the hottest girl in the bar with a boner and then running for it.

Flush Shot
Sports:  Dunking the basketball.
Sex:  Sawing one off before a date to avoid the...

Slump Buster
Sports:  Banging a fat chick to get out of a slump.
Sex:  Banging a fat chick to get out of a slump.

2nd Base
Sports:  Getting to 2nd base.
Sex:  Anal.

Putting the biscuit in the basket
Sports:  Scoring a goal.
Sex:  Literally putting a biscuit in a woman’s vagina.

Suicide Squeeze
Sports:  Bunting in man from 3rd base.
Sex:  Asphyxiation.

Prevent D
Sports:  Overly conservative defensive scheme used by football teams designed not to give up a big play.
Sex:  Wearing the full-body condom from the Naked Gun.

Mad Dog's Sirius channel expected to offer unique programming

8am-8:03am
Morning heist of the Sirius Radio Dog's coveted snausages.

8:04am-10am
Read the entire remaining schedule of the Kansas City Royals.  Unfortunately there will be no Francesa there to say, "That's a tough schedule there Dog, a tough schedule, maybe they play the spoiler in some spots, but that's tough, that's a tough one, that's a tough schedule there."  (Note: A different shitty team's schedule will be read each day). 

10:01am-11am
Point-by-point recap of his latest tennis match; preview of the 2010 Wimbledon.

11:01am-12pm
Point-by-point recap of early morning tennis match with ping pong table folded up against the wall.
"I surprised myself with a wicked forehand.  Unfortunately, it came right back in my face.  BAWAHAWAHAWAHAHA!!"

12:01pm-3pm
Reading and insightful commentary of Springstein setlists from every single show played during the 1984 "Born in the USA" tour.  Accompanying convincing clips to be played during riskier, weaker arguments.

3:01pm-4pm
Montage audio feast of Mad Dog saying "Willie" a million times, with the two LL's rolling off his tongue like the Road Runner speedily escaping Wile E. Coyote.  Dog will also fit in a spot or ten where he can trash Wilpon ownership for firing Willie.

4:01pm-4:15pm
Interview with SI's Jon Heyman and conclude the segment by telling him, "Nice job Jon.  That's a great job there by Jon Heyman.  Nice spot, great spot."

4:16pm-6:30pm
Intentionally say things that will piss off Phil Mushnick.

6:31pm-6:34pm
Dissection of a random parking attendants car maneuvering ability in a 'big spot'.

6:35pm-3am
Continuous loop of classic 'Dogisms - Disgrace!  Atrocious!  Terrible job there!  Gotta give me somethin' 'dere, show me somethin'!  Whaddaya have!  Let's take a look at the shheejool (schedule).  Get him outta the league!!!

3:01am-8am
For no apparent reason, just like everything else, John Minko aka Kermit recites every D-1 football schedule, game by game.