The Euro 2012 tournament kicks off today with many burning questions: Will Spain make it three tournaments in a row? Will racism mar the games? What will the Euro organizers do with all the cigarette butts? (Sources say they will be put together to create a giant soccer ball trophy). Without further ado, the SportsHernia's hastily thrown together EURO 2012 preview.
GROUP A: (aka - The Hairy Bracket)
Much like their Euro co-hosts the Ukrainians, the Poles haven’t advanced past the group stage in any major tournament for decades and their fans are known for their wildly racist behavior, making them a logical choice to be a host country. If you're traveling to Poland to watch the games, enjoy the beef kielbasa and the ridiculously hot women, and check one last time to make sure you're not black.
Many wonder if this team will show up at all to this year's Euro - literally. Because of the country's historically abysmal economic climate, players from Greece are traveling to the tournament on makeshift boats made of 10-speed bikes, gold jackets and pita bread. If they do make it, expect heated on-field arguments over who makes the best Koulourakia in Astoria, Queens.
How the hell are the Russians allowed to play in this tournament? Isn't four-fifths of their country located in Asia? And isn't that part 15 times the size of Europe? Regardless, the Russians still blow and have only gotten past the group stage once in their history. That being said, they have three guys on this years team named "Igor," so anything is possible.
Look for the Czechs to lead the tournament in high cheekbones, camera cutaways to their hot girlfriends and names that include the letters J, K, Y, W, V. Also look for them to be tanning themselves in the middle of the field during halftime.
Group A Fun Fact: Greek players are not legally allowed on the national team until they can grow a full beard in under an hour
GROUP B: (aka - The Happy Bracket)
If the Netherlands new law banning tourists from buying weed in certain areas is any indication, the Dutch are fucking pissed. Clearly, Nigel De Jong is poised to literally murder someone with his cleats this year. On a more positive note, the generally good-looking Dutch fans are known to travel well, so expect more camera shots of Orange than the notoriously banned "Great Oompa Loompa Orgy" porn of 1997.
Did you know that it's actually the Kingdom of Denmark, which also comprises Greenland?! Yeah, we wikipedia'd that. So gather up your fucking kroners, crack a Carlsberg and bet on these happy underdogs. Caroline Wozniacki, mutherfucker! One downside though: Denmark is the reigning Euro handball team champion.
The Germans 16-year trophy drought predictably coincides with their depressing departure from the "short shorts / permed mullet / terrifying mustache" era. Look for the Germans to finally wise up, don Rudi Voller wigs and have their balls dangling out of neatly hemmed shorts.
Without sounding too harsh, this team might be the biggest collection of pussies we have seen outside of a Wilt Chamberlain book. Needless to say, they are going to get their cunts slapped by all of the above teams. Best case scenario: Ronaldo is somehow able to transmit whatever super-STD he currently has onto his opponents, knocking them out of the tournament and countless Ibiza orgies over the summer.
Group B Fun Fact: Portugal's no. 1 export is sweat
GROUP C: (aka - The Charm the Pants Off Your Girlfriend Group)
They excel in two things - copious amounts of hair gel and 5’ 4” footballers. It’s a magical formula that has spurned Spain on to winning the 2008 Euro and 2010 World Cup. Other countries have taken notice, specifically Greece, who will field a team entirely made up of midgets smothered in LA Looks hair gel. Look for Spanish to hold their arms out and passionately plea to the refs as if they were aggressively serenading an unwitting, blonde American tourist.
These pricks play the most boring soccer in all of Europe. The entire world dreads watching these tight-shirt-wearing, scraggly beard motherfuckers sit back and play defense for 90 minutes, waiting for a counter-attack. We would rather watch some fat Italian slob from the Bronx eat a slice of pizza before watching the Italians play soccer. Look for them to tuck their hair behind their ears every 5 seconds and to angrily surround the referee after every call as if they were getting ready to perform a bukkake.
Republic of Ireland
Look for the Irish to grab a hold of opposing players' ears and talk to them in incomprehensible English for the remainder of this year's Euro and next. (Sidenote: Have the Irish EVER had a player with long hair in their entire history?? You can practically hear the Italians and Argentines laughing it up and mocking them)
Take one look at the team photo and tell me these guys are not direct descendants of Orcs. Unlike the other teams in this group, they will "rape the pants off your girlfriend."
Group C Fun Fact: No one has any idea where the fuck Croatia is, not even the Croatians. Apparently they have the greatest beaches in the world. Too bad Indiana Jones couldn't find them.
GROUP D: (aka - The underrated porn group)
“Ukraine NOT weak, Ukraine strong!” Well, we will see what their automatic bid gets them. From the looks of it, they will be back playing the game of Risk in no time. Bonus points to the Ukraine though for supplying NYC with 95% of its stripper population.
The Swedes were holed up all winter, training on a remote island after they lost a libel case about a billionaire industrialist. While investigating a 36-year-old murder, they recruited a curious, young, tattooed prodigy named Lisbeth Salander, who is seemingly able to crack any defense imaginable. Salander's skills should provide a huge boost for the Swedes, unless thwarted by the lecherous lawyer Nils Bjurman or if FIFA learns that she's actually a girl.
Sidenote: “Swedish” striker Zlatan Ibrahimovic IS Yossi Benayoun's deformed cousin. Seriously, they could be twins, if Yossi was 15 inches taller and was dropped a few times as a baby like Sloth from Goonies.
A quick recap: Thierry Henry admits to an intentional hand ball to eliminate Ireland from the 2010 World Cup; France goes to South Africa and gets knocked out in the group stages due to a mutiny against their manager. Sounds like this team is poised to shit the bed or surrender from the get go. Either way, they will be the only team to have their subs openly smoking on the bench, so bravo.
With only two English national team members left to have NOT been involved in a sex scandal, the UK press are already prepping stories of Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain and Jordan Henderson being trapped in a Polish sex dungeon and missing the opening game of the tournament.
Group D Fun Fact: Did you know legendary Russian pugilist Dolph Lundgren is actually Swedish? Advantage Sweden. And screw you, Russia...you frauds.