The Sports Hernia Blog

Yay Heat!

 

This guy is really excited about the Miami Heat.  He is also clearly still 'Fanning Up' from the team's sweet, and in no way embarrassing, new entrance video.

2011 Moment of the Year? Kate Upton Walking the Runway in Slowmotion

This is somewhat of a re-post of what Senór Ryan wrote at The Big Lead back in July, but that's pretty much how these "year in reflection" posts are supposed to run anyway.

So yes, while the fellow who put this montage together is probably creepier than an afternoon in Arnold Friedman’s computer class or Jerry Sandusky's shower seminar, it can’t stop us from our continued enjoyment of the jiggle.

Enjoy the enjoyment.

[via @Michael_Necci, TheBigLead]

Kobe likes to 'Kiss & Tell'

Kobe is clearly not bashful about sharing details about his latest encounter with Jessica Burciaga. 

Rogue golf cart finally gets revenge after four years without a tune-up

We're pleased to report that despite the bitter golf cart's aggressive quest to hit the most people possible, there were only minor injuries reported here, so an entire nation can finally start cackling like spastic lunatics, if they weren't already.

We absolutely heart the guy who bravely hops in, steers it for a bit, and then just falls out.  He hopped in as though there were already 16 people in the golf cart.  Did he not notice there were actually two open seats up front?  Plenty of room. 

Perhaps the pressure got to him, but nonetheless we applaud him for taking over the wheel, driving it for 2.3 seconds, and not hitting the brake so as to allow the cart to keep on huntin'.  The bold fellow sure gave it everything he had, which was very little.  His exit, however, was not unlike a professional stuntman, so there's that.  

Additional video below gives a birds-eye view of the cart initially taking off from the endzone, followed by some poor soul with less than adequate speed and apparently no vocal cords to warn everyone in the determined cart's path.  It's delicious.  Enjoy.

[Via TheBigLead]

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Hernia Exclusive: Tebow's 'Virginity Plan' Uncovered

  

The Hernia mole found a way to infiltrate Tim Tebow's inner circle by posing as a representative for The Newsboys.  What the mole uncovered may cause Skip Bayless' head to finally implode into a pile of self-tanner and veneers.  After a lengthy discussion about who makes the coolest god-inspired t-shirt line, the Hernia Mole was able secure a list called 'Candidates To Take Tebow's Virginity'.  Keep in mind, Tebow's people are clearly looking for a combatant that will be able to handle the inevitable Teboner explosion.

Who ended up on this list may shock you:

1. Xena The Princess Warrior

2. Grace Jones

3. The chick with the big cans from Real World San Diego (AKA Boom Bazooka Joe)

4. Hawk Girl

5. Chyna

6. Large Marge

7. Mt. Vesuvius

8. Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino

9. Nomi Malone

10. Tommy Lasorda

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Follow us on Twitter at @TheSportsHernia 

The Hernia universe aligned... sort of

The stars aligned on a number of fronts for the crack Hernia staff yesterday.  For starters, one of our bucket list items can be crossed off... sitting down to a meal with legendary Takeru Kobayashi.  Kobi couldn't have been nicer, and no we didn't have hot dogs for lunch (though we did show up carrying our customary suitcase full of them).  Kobi signed an autograph or two, and we followed him to an event in Times Square to watch Nick Lachey and his totally convincing head of 'dark colored hair' kick 20 yard field goals for charity. 

At the event we got to talk to Jim Kelly and Antonio Pierce.  Both were very gracious, and were delighted to meet Kobayashi.

Things got a little weird when we had the opportunity to interview the Gramatica brothers.  It became clear that our very Hernia-style questions were not going to fly with the brothers Automatica.  Our crack reporter melted under the Tostitos-branded heat lamps, and we called it a day.  Looking back it was probably a bad idea to Google 'The Sports Hernia Gramatica' hours before meeting them.  Maybe they smelled our guilt, or we were worried about getting rolled by two retired NFL kickers. 

Here's a look at the Hernia & Gramatica Brothers through the years.  Warning: It's emotional:

Source: Martin Gramatica one of the contestants in Pedro-Marichal cockfight

Punters & kickers: A history of violence

Fear of 'Madden Curse' leads to first cover for Gramatica

[Photo via Don's iPhone]

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Follow us on Twitter at @TheSportsHernia & @Dignan1973

 

 

Tim Tebow's Tebowing Tebow Time Has Tebow'd America

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Also, Tim Tebow.

Reminder: This man coaches the Los Angeles Lakers

A ceremonial throwing-under-the-bus is expected in roughly 26 days.  Kobe's drivin'.

Derek Jeter has been doling out "thanks for the bone" gift baskets since at least 2003

Derek Jeter has experienced the kind of baseball career that has inspired a plethora of gush-related words, but one expression we hear quite often in reference to the Yankee captain is "model of consistency," along with the proportionate amount of beat reporter drool.  His unmistakeable scent of sex has also lent itself to frequent references to "poon" and "road beef."  He's the shortstop for the freakin' New York Yankees with five World Series rings, so shit like this is hardly surprising.  It's standard procedure. 

But a few days ago we learned the routine-obsessed Jeter also spreads his systematic wings to the bedroom where -- post Zamboni, of course -- he showers countless conquests with a generic Derek Jeter thanks-for-the-bone gift basket complete with a signed ball as the apparent featured item.  It served as a wonderful little snapshot of an otherwise carefully guarded, calculated persona.

Knowing what's already been reported, we've received confirmation today that the New York Post was in no way full of shit.  The legend of the Jeter gift basket is very much for real.  In fact, it's his calling card, kind of like how many of you sky-write "thanks for the plow" after leaving a chick's apartment at 3am. 

Anyway, after speaking with an old friend today, who's located in New Jersey, we have learned that a chick within her circle has received identical "parting gift baskets" from Jeter on two separate occasions taking place eight years apart, both of which occurred while The Captain was rehabbing with the Trenton Thunder (2003 and last season).  Different year, same approach, same results.  That's the succinct summary of Derek Jeter's bat, both on and off the field.

The kicker though, if you're familiar with the scenic area of Trenton, New Jersey, is that Jeter picked this chick up both times at KatManDu, which is a bar where dudes go to fight and overly tanned guidettes choose to look like Wicket.  Think Star Wars bar, but infinitely more rowdy.

The lesson here?  Well, there really is no lesson here other than a simple fact: No matter where he is, Derek Jeter's dong yearns for glory and said glory will be reciprocated with signed balls.

Report: God spoke to Tebow, wants Broncos-Bills Game Flexed to Christmas Day

In other news, we totally didn't mean anything we wrote in this post from 2009.  We had no idea what kind of juice this guy really had when we wrote it.  Amen or something.