The Sports Hernia Blog

Suddenly, Bill Belichick's mind drifts away from football

By drifting, of course, we're referring to how the top portion of the two tackling dummies remind Belichick of the nips attached to his cougar girlfriend's infamously large rack. 

If this were any other coach, like the inept Gary Kubiak for instance, we probably would have said his mind was wandering off into a memorable dong sandwich.  But remember, this is The Bill.  The Bill hearts poon like Tom Brady hearts hair.

Report: Athletes butt cheeks finally being used by advertisers

In a long overdue development in the world or sports advertising, British beach volleyball players Shauna Mullin and Zara Dampney have rented out their butt cheeks for money.  The duo announced that they will be placing high-tech QR codes on their bottoms that will enable men to be sent to a gambling website via their smartphone (after they are done masturbating to them).

While this is appears to be a profound step in the right direction for advertising, it certainly isn't the first time athletes have used their bodies as advertisements.  Here's a look at a few notable examples:

• 1985: Avia sneakers pay Kelly Tripucka $10,000 to shave "Avia" into his shoulder, back, and neck hair
• 1986: After numerous controversial dong-slips, Manute Bol is paid $50,000 to place Chiquita Banana stickers on his wang for all games
• 1987: Notorious boob juggler Kiki Vandeweghe becomes the face (and body) of Vaseline, agreeing to cover his entire body in the petroleum jelly and immediately catapulting his basketball and swingers career
• 1989: Kenny "Sky" Walker has his flat-top cut into the shape of a BK Knights sneaker for $3.00
• 1994: The "Got Milk?" ad campaign comes to a screeching halt after Greg Ostertag places a milk mustache over his dong in his legendary Playgirl spread.
• 1997: Taco Bell wisely pays for just 1 centimeter of space on Brazilian soccer player Ronaldo's stomach. Since then, his expanding gut has stretched that centimeter to almost an entire foot
• 2000: John Runyan wears Petco flea collar (no money is exchanged, Runyan is simply given a lifetime supply of collars)
• 2001: Tony Siragusa agrees to wear 2 Nathan's hot dogs as earings for his entire last season.  The Goose continues to wear those same hot dog earings to this day
• 2004: Notorious flopper Manu Ginobili receives $20K a night to wrap entire body with Swiffers
• 2010: Nokia shells out $100,000 to have Brett Favre paint "sent from my C-7 Nokia phone" on his penis

Barstool Sports to launch new website

Barstool Sports recently released a naked photo of Tom Brady's 2-year-old son as a teaser to promote its new website, Highchair Sluts.  The thoughtful site will exclusively feature naked photos of toddlers accompanied by lewd descriptions of various aspects of their genitalia, as the fucking idiotic blogger David Portnoy recently did on Barstool Sports. 

"I just have to believe there are others out there like me, who like to look at toddler penis," Portnoy said.  "But don't get me wrong," Portnoy continued, "I'll also throw in some photos of naked girl toddlers too, for good measure."

Investigators are looking into whether Portnoy is legally retarded allowed to launch the site, and whether he is a direct descendant of Alexander Portnoy, the main character in the book Portnoy's Complaint who at one point in the story fucked raw meat. 

 *thanks to our visiting image guru Miguelito for the website logo

Justin Upton rumored to be valuable to Diamondbacks

Without Justin Upton the Arizona Diamondbacks offense would be uglier than Bird Selig's worm bedazzled nest.  Thankfully, they have Justin, who is much like his brother Melvin Upton, with the key exception being that he is nothing like him at all.

[H/T: YYSA in the TBL comments]

Hunter Pence continues to play lewd games with Road Beef

Hunter Pence's deep thirst for ballpark poon appears to be reaching creepy new heights on a daily basis.  More importantly, his transformation into a lethal combination of The Miz and Shelley Duncan, with a splash of late-90s-Matthew-Lillard-demeanor appears to be rounding its way to completion.

[via Yahoo Sports]

Previously: Pence already making nice with Philly groupies

Angel Pagan celebrates Lucas Duda's walkoff with ceremonial 'ripping of the hair'

According to several Mets beat reporters, Pagan ripped out multiple chunks of Duda's hair and savagely tacked to them to the wall in various areas of the locker room.  At the time of this post, our insider at Citi Field claims the evil Pagan is still haughtily laughing exactly like retired boxer, Soda Popinki.

[via New York Times]

Peyton Hillis unveils rare forearm acne wounds

Most of us have heard of or witnessed a vicious case of back acne, aptly known by some as 'bacne', but we applaud modern day caveman Peyton Hillis for recently unveiling the previously unseen 'forearm acne scars'.  There are also reports circulating -- vicious rumors perhaps -- that Hillis may have felt immense pressure to work on his forearms when it got back to the Gronkowski brothers that an attempted power wedgie of John Clayton, who was inside a Honda Civic at the time, went tragically unfulfilled.

Joe Paterno reportedly loves new computer, expected to plug it in by Week 3

After spotting his own face in the currently unused computer monitor, our insider at Penn State says Joe Paterno hasn't left his desk in weeks.  The two have often been seen playing spirited games of "Words With Friends" with really no end in sight.

Report: People continue not to give a shit about your fantasy baseball team

Shockingly, you will not find anyone excited about Ivan Nova's recent 10 strikeout game or care if Billy Butler's recent power surge is for real.

In other news of related significance ... The date of your Fantasy Football Draft remains in limbo.

The SportsHernia Podcast -- 8/3/11

The SportsHernia Podcast returns for the second time in it's ill-fated comeback tour, tackling hard hitting topics like the horrendous NFL analyst overpopulation crisis, as well as the most recent sportswriter cliches. 

Things get creepy though as Hernia scribe White Crunch explains the concept of the "Booty Net", before the staff plays a round of the newly created game: "Soccer Player or Male Pornstar?"

Feast on it...

The SportsHernia Podcast / 8-3-11