The Sports Hernia Blog

A's outfielder David DeJesus executed in Oakland

DeJesus decided to pass on any final requests, instead saying:  "I play in Oakland, man.  Before that, I played eight years in Kansas City.  I haven't been alive in years."

[via Yahoo via Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images]

Shelley Duncan scheduled to sleep some time after All-Star break

Shelley Duncan is batting .212 with two home runs and an OPS of .597, so we can sympathize with his need to seek and destroy as much Road Beef as possible before getting sent back to the minors, but jesus Shelley, we're guessing even groupies would say no to this "Steve Sanders partied with Nick Nolte for decades" look that you have going on here.

At this point, a conversation between Shelley and Flip Saunders would literally appear as though two catcher's mitts were engaged in a friendly discussion. 

Dolphins cornerback Al Harris apparently aging in Elway years

We don't know who this man is but it's definitely not Miami Dolphins cornerback Al Harris.  Al Harris would never depart from his dreads.  Even if he were to go bald, he would simply purchase a custom dreads toupee from Marv Albert's critically acclaimed toupee parlor.

Following some intense "research" into the respective coaching staffs of the Washington Redskins and Arizona Cardinals, we were unable to find this man.  Yes, there are other teams that have red in their color scheme, but no, we will not pursue this mystery because it would require us to care. Thus, he remains a mystery, though the guess is that his name is in fact Al, making this error by ESPN the result of a lazy image search on Getty.

[via ESPN]

Phillies & Cardinals play special charity game in Mordor

 

We've been told my multiple sources, including the Hernia Orc, that everyone in the stands either looked like The Undertaker, Paul Bearer, Bilbo Baggins, Dildo Baggins or, you guessed it, an Orc. 

Despite confirmation, we're still convinced that someone is simply holding up a giant Bob Ross painting of not-so-happy little clouds.

One more pic of the disturbing scene after the jump.

Bored reliever Jo-Jo Reyes creates gum vagina

Every professional baseball player has their own unique way of luring in massive hauls of Road Beef, and judging by this photograph it appears Jo-Jo Reyes favors a very direct, "let's do this" approach to said poon.

[via Yahoo via Scott Cunningham/Getty Images]

Kyle Singler works out for Blazers, sucks blood of reporters

How has Kyle Singler not ditched basketball for a fruitful career as a blood sucking Orc?

Report: This man exists

This is either true passion, true stupidity, true virginity, or all of the above.

[via SF Gate]

Larry Bird finally becomes face of Perdue Chicken

If you ever decide to soil your insides and purchase Chicken McNuggets at McDonald's, would you really be surprised if one of those nuggets looked exactly like Larry Bird? 

This man is no man, he is without a doubt, 100% chicken.

Hockey fan's nuts explode following Bruins Game 7 victory

Not since former Mets GM Steve Phillips launched fireworks out of his crotch on the 4th of July have we seen such a surprising, humorous explosion.

Vancouver Canuck fans take Game 7 loss in stride

Man attempts to protect store windows from being smashed, man gets smashed.  This is the logic fortunate enough to live inside the heads of Canadian hockey fans. 

The ugliness begins at the 2:57 mark.

[via TheBigLead]