The Sports Hernia Blog

NY Daily News dead set on bringin' you the hard stuff

That's right, on the cover of today's New York Daily News, we have a 'Best BBQ Recipe', the five-day old Posada story accompanied by a photo of the cranky catcher apparently smelling the recipe above his head, and some French boinkin'.  To be fair, the sexual assault story involving IMF chief Strauss-Kahn is most certainly cover story material, but it's being sat on by a 40-year old catcher batting .165.

Tomorrow, in their quest to beat this story to death and then kill it again, expect a photoshopped cover of Posada in Andre the Giant's tarzan tights grappling with Brian Cashman, who we expect to be sporting Ric Flair's robe.

[via NYDN]

ESPN's SportsCenter, where jerking off squirrels happens

Jerking off squirrels, "Ben Roethliscock" ... yeah, it's painfully clear what's been known for years: There is nothing to do in Bristol, Connecticut. 

ESPN employees should most certainly not be blamed for frequently feaking out and humping one another, they should be applauded.

Joakim Noah fends off hecklers with terrifying cat hiss

While it didn't reach the level of Angry Cat, which is a feat most experts have gone on record as saying is impossible, Joakim Noah did manage to permanently stain the lives of countless children gathered near courtside.

Additionally, below is the aforementioned Angry Cat, a close friend and supporter of the site:

Report: All of these fans exist

It goes without saying that we will greatly miss el pigskin if there's no NFL season in 2011, but there's no doubt we will stay the course and continue moving forward with a hop in our step equal to the giddy-up Kramer once displayed when a magical top hat turned him into a pimp.  But for the sake of these dudes, and these gents, please end this strike before they start sodomizing Cabbage Patch Kids.

Thank you.

NBA suspends Bynum 5 games for displaying bizarre fat-muscle-boobs

Prior to Andrew Bynum's jersey-less moment in leaving the court during Game 4 in Dallas, we had thought (or assumed, rather) that the two possibilities for a man were either Mickeltits or pecks, but it appears we have discovered the first set of muscly fat boobs, previously seen only on the torsos of G.I. Joe figures.

Disclaimer: In the thoughtful interest of your eyeballs, we have opted not to use the topless Bynum photo because corneas nationwide are still recovering from the Mark Cuban photo.

Eli's "vomitous vulture" throwing face alive & well despite lockout

The day Eli Manning and The Sea Hag from Popeye are seen in the same room is the day we can all finally move forward with our lives.

Mark Cuban would like to haunt your dreams for eternity

You now have our full permission to light your feet on fire and yank your teeth out with a rusty pair of pliers.

[via Yahoo via Stephen Dunn/Getty Images]

Visibly nauseous Pau Gasol finally vomits up basketball

According to those sitting courtside, the release of the ball from Gasol's frequently disturbed soul sounded a lot like the scene from Alien in which that slimy little fella explodes out of John Hurt's stomach, but with girlier sounds and far less sympathy.

Report: Sports world not taking itself serious enough

Steelers running back Rashard Mendenhall is the NFL's bin Laden.  Or... or, he's just a tremendous, stupendous, chatty jackass.

*Bonus points on the picture choice, as it leaves the reader convinced Mendenhall once guarded one of bin Laden's many secret caves*

[via Fox Sports]

Kris Humphries surges ahead in Hernia 2011 MVP Race

Remember folks, this romantic duo of Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian is basically the equivalent of former Bucks and Clippers standout forward, Brad Lohaus steamrolling Christie Brinkley like a runaway Zamboni on a nightly basis. 

So don't just give this man a hand, give this ass sorcerer a well deserved standing ovation from hilltop, to rooftop, to muffintop.

[via DailyMail]