The Sports Hernia Blog

Joe Paterno would like to talk to you, but only if he can hear you

Chances are, Joe Paterno cannot hear you.

Roger Clemens shows up for court appearance dressed as mystifying moron

As expected, Roger Clemens arrived for his court appearance in Washington, D.C. this past Wednesday afternoon dressed in a sinus headache-inducing, pinstripe suit complete with tinfoil tie. 

The cagey look was said to be a not-so-subtle nod to garment antagonist Craig Sager, talking horse Shannon Sharpe, and several retired WWF managers.  Sadly, the Rocket's reasoning behind the thoughtful fashion tribute will likely remain unknown forever.

A Christmas Story's Randy spotted in disguise at Patriots game

You can gift him with a snazzy Patriots sombrero, you can lend him a befuddling one-eyed mask for extra warmth, but after all these years there's really nothing that can ever quite hide such a distinct, consistent look of dejection.  We know it's you, Randy, ya fat little bastard.

[via twitpic]

Tony Dungy confirms role of Spock's creepy uncle in next Star Trek

Ever since rumors began swirling a few weeks ago regarding Tony Dungy's inevitable outer space destiny, word has it - via our NBC Sunday Night Football mole - that it's gotten progressively heated on the set between miniature Jedi Knight, Bob Costas and the former Colts head coach who now primarily excels at staring directly through your soul.

If we know Costas, and we think we do, don't be the least bit surprised to see the deceptively competitive squirrel finally complete his Skywalker getup by equipping himself with a light saber and, at some point, attempt to slice Tony Dungy's head off.

Troy's Austin Silvoy is one headband short of Cobra-Kai

If you stare long enough at this brunette version of the famously cunning John Lawrence, you can almost see the iconic headband fasten itself to his head.  Silvoy doesn't know it yet, but he will soon wipe that smile off his face and promptly begin lifting lunch tables in Just One of the Guys Too, and eventually joust with Thornton Melon's other cantankerous son that can't seem to make the diving team.

And yes, his attendance at a Justin Bieber concert is not only expected, it's required. Sensei said so.

[vai Troy Trojans]

Donald Trump's hair nearly pulls an Andy Dufresne

The dead Golden Retriever glued to Donald Trump's head nearly pulled off the improbable last night and escaped its longtime owner after decades of captivity. 

Sadly though, the ambitious jailbreak proved to be nothing but a brief tryst with freedom as a rare, industrial strength glue courtesy of Lucius Fox managed to keep the sudden upward thrust at bay.

Those in the know claim the attempted escape came shortly after a heated argument between the two, but we're told cooler heads prevailed by the middle of the third quarter, where a smiling Trump was seen feeding his toupee heaping handfuls of Snausages.

[Photo via MockSession]

Dan Hurley coaching Wagner hoops, aging quite fast

Although Wikipedia refuses to tell us Danny Hurley's age, he's definitely somewhere in his mid-30s rapidly going on "spent a stressful decade in prison" years. 

Once he makes the leap from Wagner to an elite Division I program, we fully expect him to look like the great Abe Vigoda within two quarters of basketball.

Reche Caldwell's equally enthused brother arrested in Massachusetts

Caldwell's brother, who is somehow named Art Taylor, seems to be of the overly enthused variety whereas Caldwell looks like he's constantly receiving an uninvited shocker.

This Man Swallowed An Entire Bag Of Cocaine [Jezebel]

Blake Griffin sexually assaulted during latest dunk

Since the heartless suspect was described as invisible, there are no leads thus far and it could very well turn out that Blake Griffin just enjoys making the increasingly popular "brutal bellyflop/dead boxer" face.

Or are we completely full of shit and he's simply being blown backwards by one of those indoor parachute simulators?

[via Harry How/Getty Images]

Yao Ming somehow not yet part of James Bond cast

Has anyone ever looked more prepared to take on Metal Mouth?  He's definitely packing a silencer and if he needs to, Yao will remove the top layer of his hair and utilize it as a boomerang of vengence.