The Sports Hernia Blog

Hilton Armstrong becomes latest victim of SportsCenter laser beam

[enlarge at your own risk]

After a closer look, it appears ESPN has combined the very basics of the Contra Laser with the covenient, all-too-familiar characteristics of the Spread gun.

Wholeheartedly approve.

'Bama's PA announcer wins special Hernia prize

Should the evil genius behind the meaningful Cam Newton music reveal his or herself, they'll be presented with a replica Olympic gold medal, likely plastic, with authentic Kelly Tripucka chest hair affixed to it, all compliments of the Hernia staff.

PA announcer fired for song choices [ESPN]

Report: This man exists

Gotta be honest here, we're a bit taken aback by this fan's seemingly unbreakable spirit considering the score reads 27-6, so we'll go easy on the happy-go-lucky fella and not mention the fact that he's definitely related to Warren from There's Something About Mary.

The safe guess is that he initially put the helmet on as a kid and has not been able to take it off since.

NBA players mistake ball for groupie blackmail evidence

Five different players going for the same ball has never been witnessed in an official NBA game unless said ball was inexplicably confused for a stack of deathly damaging Road Beef affidavits. 

The look of sheer terror and aggression exhibted here makes us extremely thankful that NBA nets aren't made of panties.

[Pic via ESPN NBA]

RIP comedic genius, Leslie Nielsen (February 11, 1926 – November 28, 2010)

We simply could not put it any better than La Últimas Noticias.  Perhaps what is most unbelievable is that Leslie trumps both Chilean Miner updates and Soccer. 

Before the day is out, please be sure to figure out where the hell it is that you are because we're all counting on you, so good luck.

And this post was tagged as "baseball" because of Nielsen's storied career behind the plate as a tireless, gifted umpire.

RIP Leslie Nielsen.

[pic via Huffington Post]

Russell Westbrook drops nuts in Shane Battier's mouth

Only thing missing from this clip is Marv Albert and his endlessly divine "facial" call.

Bird Selig would like to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving

If you're wondering where all the mash potatoes went, look no further than Bird Selig's chipmunk cheeks.

Jeter-Yankee negotiations rumored to be going smoothly

Up next for Brian Cashman?  The Yankee GM has tenative plans to shit on Derek Jeter's house, much like Ronald Miller shamefully did to his dear friend Kenneth.

[via New York Daily News]

Bizarro Bushwackers now coaching Nebraska Cornhuskers

What's even more fascinating is that Bo and Carl Pelini have managed to outdo the original Bushwackers in both mental stupidity and physical stupidity.  There's absolutely no doubt that these two philosophers conduct a ceremonial smash-brother-head-with-keg each and every Thanksgiving.

Source: Blake Griffin actually Blanka from Street Fighter II

After marveling at the remarkable leaping ability displayed by Blake Griffin over the past week or so, we decided to do a little investigating and ended up speaking with our long time source in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, where Griffin was born.  Within a five minute conversation our spy confirmed that the original birth certificate for the Clippers impressive forward does in fact read as simply "Blanka."

So there you have it, Blake Griffin is not human and Blake Griffin is not Blake Griffin; he's Blanka.  If you don't believe us, check out the ungodly leaps at the :12 and :14 second marks.

Still no confirmation on the whereabouts of Andres Nocioni, who was last seen squaring off against the Clippers relentless beast.