The Sports Hernia Blog

Kindred spirits Vandeweghe and Prokhorov heroically unite in Secaucus

A lifetime of knowledge and cleavage-diving wizardry understood without a mere word exchanged.  Just a simple nod.  Like two seasoned porn stars passing each other on the street.  Not even the Dos Equis guy can comprehend such overwhelming depth.

While we're here, some notable Kiki and Mikhail similarities:

* Both 6'8
* Both were small forwards
* Both practicing nudists
* Both played masked orgy-goers in Eyes Wide Shut
* Both can still dunk (Prokhorov - human heads, boob-textured basketballs; Kiki - panty ball, bra bundles)

[Ed. note: Yes, we're aware Kiki won't be back.  Clearly too much man for any team.  Possibly even too dangerous to have them in the same city.]

San Jose Sharks player introductions not the least bit embarrassing

The only glimpse of success coming from these pregame introductions?  The Sharks have just sold a season ticket package to Clifford and Uncle Martin.  It's no Dinosaur World, but it feels just as magical.

Willie Harris picks inopportune time to perform Daniel-san's crane kick

We're as giddy as the next guy for the guaranteed-to-be-imaginative remake of The Karate Kid, but jesus christ Willie, that sweet innocent bird didn't ask for nor deserve such lewdness.

NBA Lottery: Just what will Mikhail Prokhorov do tonight?

Tonight is Mikhail Prokhorov's first NBA draft lottery as owner of the New Jersey Nets.  We're expecting greatness, vodka, and probably an orgy or two.  Here's a look ahead at what will more than likely go down:

* Reiterates his statement that he's the only NBA owner who can dunk, all while staring directly at Jordan.

* Enters the building to James Brown's "Living in America," but dressed as Ivan Drago.

* Is fed grapes during the entire broadcast by a gaggle of Russian supermodels.

* Pretends he's drunk so that everyone will leave once he realizes that he's face-to-face with Rasaghul, who is not dead and is actually his former trainer.

* Somehow drafts Andrei Kirilenko.

* When the Nets' number pops up, he walks to the machine, grabs the ping pong ball, crushes it in his hand and says "I don't need your ping pong ball."

* Throws on Spies Like Us hat and does shot of 250-year-old potato vodka as soon as undead NBA executive Joel Litvin enters the room.

* Gets very emotional when his pet Siberian tiger is prohibited from entering the building:  "I'm sorry, Ruble, but you must wait in the Aston Martin," he whispers in the tiger's ear.  "Don't worry, I will be with you shortly."

* Announces boxing legend Soda Popinski as one of many celebrities to have already purchased a suite for the Nets upcoming season at The Rock in Newark.

* Celebrates Nets getting No. 1 pick by performing dizzying jet ski trick off some stripper's cleavage.

Cohesive Reds squad atop NL Cental for first time since 2006

Expect this trend to last about as long as a Tim Kurkjian-Rikishi ass smothering submission match.

Spy Hunter street-slicks Sammy Sosa's head

If you have the sudden urge to purchase or perhaps do away with some licorice, you're certainly not alone.

(Sidenote: The Hernia has confirmed there is no truth to the rumor that  Sosa had just come from an audition for the role of Black Eddie Munster in the upcoming Sinbad vehicle "Black Munsters")

Joba Chamberlain continues to disgrace the game of baseball with wild celebration antics

The portly Yankee reliever has aptly nicknamed this latest disgusting celebration, "Surfin' on Styles Van."

Mets trainer chooses odd time, position to give physical

The impromptu raptor claw being applied to Ike Davis' nether region still pales in comparison to the time Mets manager Dallas Green mercilessly took a spiked bat to umpire Joe West's bulbous FUPA.

[via TBL & a faithful Hernia reader]

Shaq apparently drinking from the fountain of death

Give zombie Shaq a few poofs of hair on the side and we have an even more disturbing version of Jim Carrey in Lemony Snicket's.

[via twitpic via the great @marcel_mutoni]

The New York Post simply can't let go of Tiger's woody

Probably should've gone with, "is that a mike in your hand or is your multi-vag dippin' boner just happy to see us?"  However, we do appreciate their efforts in keeping Tiger dick jokes alive and well. 

[via]