The Sports Hernia Blog

Ozzie Guillen's Twitter page off to jovial start

We hope this lasts the whole season, but the safe guess is he'll be crapping on the likes of Dr. Drew, his pool guy, the cashier at Bed, Bath & Beyond, and most of his pitching staff by mid-April.

Ozzie Guillen [Twitter]

MC Ticklemyrack outruns Alabama's Terrence Cody at NFL combine

Inside sources on location at the NFL combine in Indianapolis have informed us that, just moments ago, little known nosetackle MC Ticklemyrack torched Terrence "Flapjacks" Cody by a full three seconds in the 40-yard-dash.

Seen above in the video is Ticklemyrack explaining how he spent last month working solely on his shuttle run times with diet guru and fitness phenom, Izzy Mendalbaum.  At least, we're pretty sure that's what he's saying.

Announcing 1st Ever Hernia Contest Giveaway, Sponsored by Dick Towel

Since many of you are getting through the day with the aid of a Jets drinking helmet, much like we are, we'll make this rather straightforward: 

Fill in the blank below and the best response in the comments by end of day today wins a FREE Dick Towel, compliments of the guys over at DickTowel.com.

Hernia Hero Mike Francesa drinks gallons of Diet Coke because __________.

Doesn't need to be a one word answer, so feel free to throw on your sacred Gary and Wyatt thinking caps.

UPDATE: Enduro, who regularly brings the pain in his own right, has won with this thoughtful gem:

"... because fucking the pain away just wouldn't be good for ratings."

Enduro, just shoot us an email with your info and we'll get you your new beach towel.

Gene Wojciechowski's zingy opener humbles comedic souls

And just how good is LeBron James?  He's so good he only spells with it one 'o', ya know, because he's GOD!

Now that's some good stuff!

Blueprint for an NBA dynasty [ESPN]

A Love Letter, Starring Jason Whitlock & Deadspin

It was just another ordinary day here at Hernia headquarters, Shawn Bradley and Muggsy Bogues had commenced shoving match number three and Soda Popinski had just crane kicked the fax machine, when Jason Whitlock called.

What did he want?  Big Sexy said he just wants what's fair is fair.  So in the name of incidents like the Sean Salisbury email meltdown and the Jay Mariotti hunt, he asked us to post this email he received from A.J. Daulerio at Deadspin.

Whitlock believes the content of the email proves Daulerio is no different than the people he criticizes.

Someday, may we all find a way to get along like B. Brian Blair and Jumpin Jim Brunzell:

Update: Derek Jeter is a class act

I think we can all certainly agree that worldly Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter should be commended for "taking the high road" and agreeing with Brian Cashman that they will not discuss his contract situation until season's end.

Simply put, abiding by an organizational policy that's been in place since 1998 is not only courageous, it's downright storybook.

True sports fans worldwide should be playing magical tunes on the skin flute this afternoon in the name of Derek Jeter; if they haven't already.

Jeter continues to take the high road [Yahoo Sports]
Jeter says Bronx is where he wants to be [NY Post]

Canada rolls over Russia for the sole purpose of pleasing this man

This Canadian hockey lifer will not smile or even think about changing his facial expression until he's chewing a gold fucking medal.  And no, that siren will not blare with great fury until true victory is had for the host nation.

One-Sided Hockey Win for Canada Over Russia [NY Times]

Randy Winn arrives to Tampa driving imaginary bullpen car

The Sleepy Dwarf expression on Randy Winn's face more than likely sums up what his contribution will be for the 2010 season. 

[Photo via]

Brian Westbrook, as played by a guy who sounds nothing like Brian Westbrook

If Selma Bouvier were to call in as Brian Westbrook, the assumption is that her impression would be just as convincing to the ears of Scott Van Pelt.

Today, prank caller Captain Janks is a hero.

[Video via TBL]

Baron Davis' ballbag suddenly all the rage in the NBA

Horny Toronto Raptor Reggie Evans would likely forfeit the remainder of this season's contract to trade spots with Raymond Felton's hands.