With NBC announcing that it would lose money on the Vancouver 2010 Winter Olympics, The Sports Hernia decided to retool several events to ensure that the American public would tune in.
“Two And A Half Men” Bobsled
This is somehow the No. 1 comedy on TV. So let’s send the entire cast down a bobsled track full of giant razor blades.
“The Situation” Ski Jump
Send that Jersey Shore douchebag flying down a ski ramp and watch him Eddie-the-Eagle off it to create a greaseball yard sale all over Cypress Mountain.
Really Short Track Speed Skating
Eight speedskaters race around a Toyota Tercel. Also new is the Really Short Track Speed Skating Team competition, where a baton is handed off after each lap around the Tercel.
Tila Tequila “cross-country skis” with chicks and then gets DNA bullets fired at her by a bunch of dudes.
Instead of curling on an ice rink, this event is played on a rink of curdled milk. Duh.
Double-Ds Figure Skating
You get it.
Actual skeletons race down bobsled tracks. Early favorites: Dom DeLuise and Skeletor.
Bode Miller Sloshed Slalom
Fuck it - everyone gets hammered and tries to beat a clearly drunker Bode Miller.