To the world's chagrin, Fox's jack of all trades robot Cleatus is still dancing his ass off and playing a rip-roaring guitar. He is an unfathomable prick and has remained as such for years. This electrically charged assclown was given his appropriately shitty name by some vengeful god of a fan during a viewer contest back in 2007, and it's been made quite apparent Cleatus has no plans of going away.
Because of that, neither will the cold, brooding hatred from F.U. Corner scribe and frozen head collector, Big Bad Weiss. That's why we're re-running this column from the early days. Consider this a fuck-you-again, Cleatus:
What the fuck are you? What the hell do you have to do with football? I am sick of seeing your retarded ass every weekend, so Fuck Off and die in the local scrap heap.
Every god damn commercial I have to watch this retarded robot jump around the screen like Corky. It is infuriating. It has nothing to do with football. It looks like a juiced up Johnny #5 on crystal meth.
Who the fuck came up with this? Who is supposed to be enjoying this? Did some focus group determine that 65% of FOX NFL viewers are robots?
Stupid Fox Executive: “Okay guys, we need a new and fresh idea to take us to commercials for the games this year. What do you got?”
The only Intelligent Fox employee: “How about we don’t patronize the viewers and just have a FOX NFL logo in the corner while we show shots of the city?”
Fucking Moron Fox employee #879: “Let’s have an animated Robot!”
Stupid Fox Executive: “Brilliant, it’s a go, have it on my desk in two weeks.”
The Only Intelligent Fox Employee: “What does a robot have to do with pro football?”
Stupid Fox Executive: “Good question. Fucking Moron FOX employee # 879, can you answer that?”
Fucking Moron Fox employee #879: “Well, we can have the robot do calisthenics … like running in place, and he will have a football in his hand.”
Stupid Fox executive: “Sold! Get it done, you have been promoted to Fucking UBER Moron employee level 3.”
The only Intelligent Fox employee: “Someone kill me. I wonder if the Outdoor Life Network is hiring.”
If there is an NFL player out there that warms up for a game like that goddamn robot does, someone let me know. He does the dumbest moves. It is like watching Jack LeLanne. This is 2006, until robots are competing in NFL games, get them the fuck out.
I wonder if Fucking Moron Fox employee #879 is the same jacknut that came up with Scooter, the animated baseball? If so, he is on my ‘things to do’ list. I love when Scooter tells me about a fastball: “A fastball is a pitch that goes really fast.” Thanks Scooter, you fuckwad, but that is for another day.
So, in summation, Fox NFL Robot, fuck off and die a slow, slow death on BattleBots.