The Sports Hernia Blog

Ghost of Christmas Past fined $250,000 for flipping double-barrel bird

Bud Adams Gives the Finger at Game, Fined $250,000 [Gather.com]

Jets and Raider fans finally joust without knives, successfully dispel fanbase stereotypes

Jets-Raiders Chick Fight Because Of The Face Kick [Busted Coverage]

Catching Up With Jimmy Clausen

Last year we had the chance to sit down and chat with Notre Dame's Jimmy Clausen, but after a quick start to the 2009 season and some early Heisman hype, we were forced to take a number on our follow-up request. 

Fortunately for us, that hype has since died like a flailing, wounded Notre Dame extra point, and we were once again granted a few minutes with the affable future star.

Here's what transpired:

The Sports Hernia: According to our stats here, you've been sacked or knocked down an average of 37 times per game.  How much does that suck, and why didn't you turn pro at halftime against Pitt?

Jimmy Clausen: As you know, we always end our huddles with a chant of "Don't touch Jimmy."  And I'm always reminding the guys that Jimmy must not go down.  But when Sam Young isn't holding, Jimmy isn't standing.  Jimmy's not mad at Sam though, because Sam tries to help Jimmy even though Sam's not very good at helping Jimmy.

***

TSH: You didn't answer the question about turning pro.  Did Charlie Weis advise you to ignore that topic until the season's over?

JC: Oh, Jimmy's time is coming, but Jimmy really likes surprises, so he can't answer.  But that Jimmy's gonna make a fine, fine pro.

***

TSH: Speaking of Charlie, what are your thoughts on his play-calling and his embarrassing record against top 25 teams?  Additionally, would you mind wiping off his disgusting frozen booger crust?

JC: Coach Weis gives Jimmy the ball every Saturday.  Jimmy loves balls.  Dayne Crist can wipe off coach's boogers though.  Jimmy's afraid of boogers.

***

TSH: Right.  Now Jimmy, we know this was a few weeks ago, but what exactly happened at the end of the B.C. game?  Do you normally do the shove-and-run when someone's talking smack?  And more importantly, did you learn that move on the mean streets of Thousand Oaks, California?

JC: Listen, Jimmy doesn't back down from anybody.  Jimmy's tough.  But Jimmy's also a winner, and winners know when to walk away.  Jimmy walked, because Jimmy won.

***

TSH: Yes, a true "The More You Know" moment.  So have you considered going back to that irresistible Chucky-meets-Thor look? 

JC: Jimmy thought he looked more like Hulk Hogan.  And the Hulkster rules, just like Jimmy.

***

TSH: Quite naturally.  So now that you're 22 years old, do you find yourself struggling with Notre Dame's strict "lights out at 10pm" rule?

JC: Jimmy's sneaky.  Lights out doesn't affect Jimmy because Jimmy has two lava lamps.  But when the lights really do go out, it's Jimmy time.

***

TSH: Thank you for that wonderful image.  Ok, last question.  When you lose to UConn this Saturday, will you finally admit that Notre Dame football blows?

JC: That's impossible for Jimmy to say.  You know why?  Because Jimmy ain't dinkin' and Jimmy ain't dunkin'.  Jimmy's gettin' sweet on Tate, goin' deep to Floyd and jumpin' for Jimmy joy.

***

TSH: Of course.  Well best of luck in the Domino's Bread Bowl, Jimmy.

JC: Jimmy hates bread bowls, too many carbs.  Jimmy stays mean and lean on PB&J guy with the crusts cut off.

Past interviews with Jimmy:

Clausen: "Jimmy loves that extra incentive" -- 10/4/08

Clausen: "Jimmy likes the buzz of the big game" -- 9/13/08

Bill Belichick literally melts down in Indianapolis

Not since catching Charlie Weis with ice packs under each of his tits has Bill Belichick appeared so regretful and horrified.

Matt Millen's announcing wizardry overshadowed by bashful pinky

Hornets fire Scott, name Overweight Sargent Slaughter Businessman as replacement

Hornets fire coach Byron Scott, GM Bower assumes duties [USA Today]

Report: No one gives a shit

That'll be enough there, Seabass.  Time to go play paddycake with the One Man Gang's tits.

ESPN's latest poll finally solves heated Gold Glove debate

While "A lot" and "A little" are both intriguing, punchy answers, we think "Kind of, but sometimes yup not really, nah" would've captured the spirit of the progressively retarded Gold Glove award.

Are Gold Gloves Meaningless Awards? [ESPN]

Captivating GM meetings just moments away from breaking into AL vs. NL tickle fight

ESPNBoston's Chris Forsberg hoping to cheer up some time soon

According to our sources, this photograph was taken shortly after Forsberg received his diploma from Paul Bearer's School for Morbid Morticians.

Chris Forsberg [ESPNBoston]