The Sports Hernia Blog

Hernia 2009 NBA Prediction: This is definitely the year Adam Morrison smiles

That, or brings a rifle to the Staples Center.  Or moves out of his double wide trailer.  Either/or, really.

Not pictured is a tattoo of Bill Clinton above Deshawn Stevenson's wang

Kurt Warner chooses odd time to pay tribute to Tecmo Bowl

What Warner really should've done there was plant his foot so he could throw it to the reliable, and blinking, Jerry Rice for a 163-yard TD pass.  That always used to work.

Officially, that was a 28-yard loss, coming very close to the record which was set back in 1988 when Lawrence Taylor threw Bernie Kosar into stands in what was officially recorded as a 36-yard loss.

Coordination continues to shine awkwardly in Major League ballparks

There's lots of goodness in this assortment of terrified fans, but we're partial to the guy at top left who appears ready to perform some sort of "tired karate" on any ball, or beer, that dares come his way.

Breaking: Lenny Dykstra caught living and breathing by Japanese paparazzi

Yet another terrific scoop by the tireless, purposeful New York Post.  Add the word "masturbating" and we have ourselves an actual news story.

In other news, The Sports Hernia staff was just "caught" watching Little Mac jog to his jogging music.

VIDEO: Dykstra caught in pawn shop by Japanese crew [NY Post]

Kirk Herbstreit extends weenie... endorsement

It was a no-brainer for Armour-Eckrich to extend the endorsement contract of Kirk Herbstreit, who could turn any local Shady Acres retirement home into a "Cocoon"-envious orgy at the wink of an eye.

Meanwhile, rumors continue to swirl over whether Herbie was the basis for the "True Blood" Maryann-Baccus character, who would cause the entire town to jump into a carnal fuckfest.

Armour-Eckrich Extends College Football Analyst Kirk Herbstreit's Spokesperson Agreement [PR Newswire]

Report: Mark Mangino ate Mark Mangino

And the guy giving him that quizzical look is most certainly next.

Brad Lidge enters Ray Finkle status following emergence of volunteer play-by-play guy

The subtle title of the video, "BRAD LIDGE, YOU'RE KILLING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" coupled with the calm, graceful ending, doesn't have us the least bit concerned for the well-being of Brad Lidge. 

Also, the "announcer's" somewhat stifled outbursts and lack of expletives lead us to believe he is either working in the back of Discovery Zone or parked in a van outside of Lidge's residence.

Some actual quotes from the video:

"Oh yeah, you're happy now, Hee hee ha ha..."

"Might as well give a meatball here.  Oh god!"

"This is just... it's shocking... it's unbelievable.  He better be on suicide watch..."

"Yeah, talk to him, talk to him Paulie.  Ugh.  Hey Brad, really bad job that last better. Yeah, you're probably right. Alright, meet you at the bar later."

"0-2, what are you going to throw a meatball for this guy to crush?!"

The Sports Hernia Show - Episode Cuatro

After spending a week at David Wright and Paul Lo Duca's co-sponsored eyebrow waxing camp, The Sports Hernia Show returns, as episode four is now up, conveniently in the form of the snazzy play button below.

Among the topics discussed amidst the Hernia congo line were Rex Ryan's teeth, the immediately painful coverage of the Mark "San-chise" era, Eric Mangini's special connection with his players, and how a dude could possibly own 400k worth of jewelry.

Don't forget you can also subscribe to the show through iTunes (for free) and listen to it while you're formatting your resume into WingDings.  Your choice.

Future owner of Nets reveals disturbing dating profile

This is Mikhail Prokhorov. 

Mikhail is about to buy the New Jersey Nets.  He would like for you to get to know him better. 

However, first, he'd like you to remove your pants. 

***

Name: Mikhail "Pork-a-hole in your" Prokhorov

Nickname: Martini Porn

Occupation: Future Owner/Groper/Fondler/Nipple tweaker, New Jersey Nets

Height: 6'4" of pale, transfixing hell

Weight: 275lbs. (associated sex gear included)

Hair: Poison-dipped porcupine tips

Ethnicity: Evil Jude Law

Religious Views: Whatever she's drinking

Relationship Status: Currently boning Western Hemisphere, but looking to grow

Interested in: Scandals

But really can't wait to: Take your pants off

Favorite movie: American Psycho II

Favorite cologne: Forbidden Pants, by Fabio

Secret Screename: MikhailSexCapade4

Wish My Name Was: Alexandro De Coogamelloncamp

If I could be anywhere right now: Inside a voyeur chat room

Last great thing I read: The summary intro to a nude Parcheesi video

Most humbling moment: Tight-roll pants era of late 80s

Celebrity I resemble most: Paul Bearer's svelte brother

If I could be anywhere right now instead of inside of a voyeur chat room: In an epic sword fight with Visanthe Shiancoe