This is Mikhail Prokhorov.
Mikhail is about to buy the New Jersey Nets. He would like for you to get to know him better.
However, first, he'd like you to remove your pants.
Name: Mikhail "Pork-a-hole in your" Prokhorov
Nickname: Martini Porn
Occupation: Future Owner/Groper/Fondler/Nipple tweaker, New Jersey Nets
Height: 6'4" of pale, transfixing hell
Weight: 275lbs. (associated sex gear included)
Hair: Poison-dipped porcupine tips
Ethnicity: Evil Jude Law
Religious Views: Whatever she's drinking
Relationship Status: Currently boning Western Hemisphere, but looking to grow
Interested in: Scandals
But really can't wait to: Take your pants off
Favorite movie: American Psycho II
Favorite cologne: Forbidden Pants, by Fabio
Secret Screename: MikhailSexCapade4
Wish My Name Was: Alexandro De Coogamelloncamp
If I could be anywhere right now: Inside a voyeur chat room
Last great thing I read: The summary intro to a nude Parcheesi video
Most humbling moment: Tight-roll pants era of late 80s
Celebrity I resemble most: Paul Bearer's svelte brother