The W.W.L.R.E.W.S (World Wide Leader in Ruining the Enjoyment of Watching Sports), ESPN, has bought the rights to broadcast English Premier League games in the UK from Setanta. The bold move is a clear indication that ESPN is making a huge push to stop people from enjoying soccer in England.
So what can UK fans expect from ESPN's Soccer coverage?
One 7' x 10' fake soccer field for a 12-man panel to act like stupid dickheads on.
Classic "Gooooooal!!!" call to be replaced with Stuart Scott "Boo-Yah!"
- Talking. Lots of fucking talking.
Pre-game coverage to begin at 5am, featuring repeatedly concussed and drooling ex-players yelling over each other.
Analogies to American football players.
Profiles on European players that somehow make them appear even gayer.
Explanations. Lots of fucking painful and unnecessary explanations.
Lots of announcers saying “THAT guy is a soccer player.”
A very confused Lou Holtz.
- Cameras finally focused more on players wives and celebrities instead of the game.
Some asshole from the poker broadcasts.
The advent of ‘Soccertology’.
Holograms of players in the studio doing some stupid bullshit.
Roughly 3 seconds per game of announcers not talking.
Some hooker posing as a sideline reporter.
Unbelievably witty comments like "Hey, this just in... Ronaldo is pretty good!"
Non-stop Julie Foudy.