So, the great Eldrick Tont "Tiger" Woods has come back from knee surgery and with April approaching, we are being treated to promos for the golfing war hero's upcoming appearance at the Masters. Yay. Yippie.
It's as though this is the biggest news since the Super Bowl, only one problem, he doesn’t play a sport, he has simply honed a particular skill that has netted him hundreds of millions of dollars. Good for Tiger. Kudos. We wish his courageous fucking knee well.
But for all you fucknuts who think golf is a sport, you are fucking idiots, plain and simple. I play golf (sure I use femur bones as clubs and frozen heads for golf balls), but still, I play. It's a fun hobby that gets you outside for a few hours, but a sport? I don’t think so. Let’s look at the facts.
Craig Stadler and John Daly are not only professional golfers, they both have won multiple tournaments and grand slam tournaments. Now, without calling them fat fucks, we can all safely say the word "athlete" doesn’t come to mind when their names are mentioned.
John Daly once said he was so drunk when he won the U.S. Open, he barely remembers it. Are you kidding me? Have you ever heard a professional football player say, “Man, I was so hammered on Sunday, I barely remember rushing for 175 yards”? Any activity where you can pound 10 beers during a round is not a sport. (I'm looking at all you bowlers as well…)
Then there are those fucks that say, "Well, they have to walk the course and that can be exhausting in the heat." Really, the average golfer walks five miles during 18 holes? Wow, five fucking miles in four and a half hours, what an accomplishment!
If you have a tough time walking a little more than a mile an hour, then you should wheel yourself to the post office, purchase the “I am a fucking sad human being” commemorative stamp, stick it on your forehead and just mail it in, fatty, because you are a pathetic sack of shit.
Then there will be some of you over-privileged shitbags who will argue that Tiger and some of the young guys hit the gym and are in top physical shape. Sure, that may be true, but that doesn’t mean golf is a sport. You can put lipstick on a piece of shit, but it's still a piece of shit.
So, all you ding dongs out there who consider themselves “weekend warriors” because you play the sport of golf every weekend, get fucked. You're enjoying an activity that let’s you have some beers with your friends for a few hours, so put that in your golf cart and smoke it.
Oh right, you use a motorized vehicle because you can’t even walk the course you sad sacks of puke. You are PATHETIC, so fuck off with your “golf is a sport” shit.