The Sports Hernia Blog

Former Barbaro jockey eager to mount dead horse’s brother

Edgar Prado, the jockey who rode Barbaro, is set to ride his former horse’s brother Nicanor when it races for the first time this weekend or next, trainer Michael Matz said.  Prado, a pint-sized fiend for the fast life, seems particularly jazzed to mount anything related to Barbaro, who he once referred to as “the best trip of my life.”

“Hey listen, I've had a lot of amazing rides in this life, from my 1974 Mini Cooper to my neighbor's greyhound to Grace Jones,” Prado said.  “But once I hopped on Barbaro, everything else paled in comparison.  Since he went down two years ago, life has crawled to a trot; flowers don’t smell the same.  Even cocaine and diuretics bore me now.  I just pray Nicanor can reignite the fire between these tiny thighs.”

“By the way,” Prado whispered, “do you have any military connections?  I’ve always wanted to mount a SCUD missile or torpedo.  What about a boat?  I’d love to hop on a seahorse.”

Hernia NBA prospect Chiekh Samb finally arrives

Well, after seeing that, our initial scouting report is looking pretty damn good.  From June 19th:

"Doesn't quite understand the game, is unsure he's playing basketball, does not know where he is and is not happy to be there.  Also dislikes photographers.  A much less physical Manute Bol.  Lacks shoulders, as arms are duct-taped to torso, making shot blocking ability even more impressive.  Would like to be left alone."

It's now clear the photographer hate has everything to do with being posterized.  The only thing we really missed there was "... believed to have starred in Ghostbusters II."

In light on this tremendous video, we'd like to announce that we've waived our traditional 46-year waiting period and will induct Chiekh Samb into the Hernia Hall of Fame immediately.  He will adorn a customary ceremonial Sikma wig during the induction, which will conveniently take place during the Super Bowl.

***

Current members of the Hernia Hall of Fame (in ass-pulling order):

Keith Hernandez's Mustache

Jack Wayne Sikma

Manute Bol

Jeff Reed rolls into Media Day with old gang

Pittsburgh Steelers kicker Jeff Reed and his colorful entourage plowed into Raymond James Stadium earlier today, shaking things up during an otherwise nondescript Super bowl media day.  According to multiple sources at the scene, Reed's gang was predictably rowdy, with some members of his crew harassing and teasing members of the press, and at times even messing up their note-taking by hopping on the back of their pencils.

The entertaining stay was short-lived though, as Reed and company were last seen sailing the Buccaneers famed pirate ship to Mons Venus, a popular Tampa area strip club.

ESPN's Chris Berman, who had dropped everything in hopes of boarding the mammoth vessel, was sadly left behind after a piss-poor attempt at Reed's patented "vanilla swirl, wind tunnel" frizz.

Hey, Serby: The Giants lost two weeks ago

"Go 'Q' Guy."  Tremendous play, Steve-O!

Go 'Q' up a self-portrait, you're in dire need of a haircut, 'ya filthy hippie.  

Rumors of possible baseball story in New York slowly gaining traction

The buzz around town is that the story may involve a prominent member of the New York Yankees as well as a former member of the organization with a comparable high profile.

Stay tuned...

NFL survey yields interesting results

The good people at Electronic Arts recently assigned the University of Oregon’s Warsaw Sports Marketing Center to survey NFL fans who play the Madden video game versus average NFL fans. (read: fat slobs vs. fatter slobs):

The survey revealed that those who played "Madden" were 60 percent more knowledgeable about the game than those who just classified themselves as non-gaming fans of the league.

The survey found that those who played Madden were 79 percent better in their general knowledge of the game, 54 percent better when being quizzed about game situations and 28 percent better on the rules of the game.

... And 100% of them are still waiting to see their first set of non-digital tits. 

Good luck, gamers!

Madden Players Are Smarter Football Fans (With Leather)

Breaking: Tony Romo now dating Dolly Parton

Anyone using Jessica Blimpson™ yet?  If not, that shit is ours.

And Tony, the real Dolly might be the better option at this point.

Oh, almost forgot, if you happened to attend the "99.9 Kiss Country 24th Annual Chili Cook Off," please kill yourself.

Jessica Simpson, what in the hell?! (The Superficial)

Make sure you read up on the Super Bowl this week

Although we already reached our fill of Super Bowl articles early this morning, by no means are we implying it wasn't a thrilling, deeply rewarding experience.  Thing is, we were just afraid of getting too excited about the game, so we cut the cord quick. 

But the two snippets below from the New York Post were enough to set off a memorable five-high feast in the line earlier at Dunkin Donuts.  And no, we didn't write the following two lines to mock cheesy, overly dramatic sportswriters.  They did it for us.

Steve Serby on Troy Polamalu:

"He's a ball- hawking vulture with rare speed and range.  A heat- seeking missile with flowing black hair."
That second part was lifted from a Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka documentary.

Paul Schwartz on Kurt Warner:

"He leads them with his right arm and his unwavering faith."
Spine-tingling.  Cue the John Adams theme song.

Yup, that about does it for us. 

Expect to be hit over the head steel-chair-style by the following storylines for the rest of the week.

NY Giants fan channels Chunk, except he instead interrogates himself

The only question is, where was Mrs. Fratelli to shake the crap out of this guy?  Or at the very least, Sloth to hit him over the head with a giant ham hock?

Pistons right on the cusp of finding that elusive chemistry

Did someone just inform these three that David Stern has erased their entire NBA legacies and they will now be known as Victor Page, Scott Burrell and Pete Chilcutt? 

In a possible related story, Detroit is 3-7 in their last 10.