It's that time of year again where the gentle staffers here at TheSportsHernia take a thoughtful look at all the bowl game offerings college football will bring us during the holiday season. So while you're planning how to fit your entire ass into mom's famous 17-layer dip, at least figure out what you'll be watching while you do it.
And yeah, the bowl games have already begun, but tell us this, have we really missed anything?
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl (or the S.D.C.C.U.P.B. for short)
No. 9 Boise State vs. No. 11 TCU
Dec. 23, 8:00 pm
San Diego, CA
I think the bank is going to foreclose on this bowl. Get it, because the economy is in the tank! Wait, is this too early for credit jokes, or was it just a bad joke? How about this, Boise State is going to crush the soon to be pedophiles from Texas Christian University and feed them poisonous Poinsettia’s afterwards.
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl
Notre Dame vs. Hawaii
Dec. 24, 8:00 pm
Another year, another chance for the fucking bullshit Irish to make money going to a bowl game that they don’t deserve. To make things worse, they get to fly to Hawaii for it. What the shit? God I just hope they don’t interview Charlie Weis in some Hawaiian shirt and shorts, I will have to gouge my eyes out with an ice pick. Hawaii, please kill Notre Dame, that is all I ask for Christmas. Remember, “aloha” doesn’t just mean “hello,” it also means “GOODBYE”.
Motor City Bowl
Central Michigan vs. Florida Atlantic
Dec. 26, 7:30 pm
Is it just me, or is this another opportunity to make fun of a bowl name? This might be renamed the unemployed hobo city bowl before December 26. I heard the Florida Atlantic was so excited to play in this game and leave the state of Florida that they petitioned to let the game be played in the streets of Baghdad.
Meineke Car Care Bowl
North Carolina vs. West Virginia
Dec. 27, 1:00 pm
Car Care Bowl? Well I guess this might do well since no one’s buying new cars.
Champs Sports Bowl
Florida State vs. Wisconsin
Dec. 27, 4:30 pm
This game could be watchable if it takes place in an actual Champs Sports store and the staff is used as the endzone pilons. But it’s not, and therefore it will suck.
California vs. Miami (FL)
Dec. 27, 8:00 pm
San Francisco, CA
Remember when Miami had a team that could play football? Those days are gone, now they get sent to a game to play a bunch of geeks from Cal Berkley, oh how they have fallen.
Louisiana Tech vs. Northern Illinois
Dec. 28, 8:00 pm
I have a funny feeling I am not the only person that is going to skip this piece of turd. Who is sponsoring this? Is the actual word ‘independence’? I’m confused. Is this the kind of crap teams you get in your game when you don’t get a shitty mall muffler store to sponsor you?
Rutgers vs. North Carolina State
Dec. 29, 3:00 pm
The pizza Web site bowl, love the name, really do. However, someone should tell Papa John’s that “Better Football Teams, Better Bowl Games” should be their mantra from now on. I will be skipping this game to partake in a pizza-eating contest with my neighbor’s Wolf Pack and a Scarlet Knight, oh the IRONY!
Valero Alamo Bowl
No. 21 Missouri vs. No. 23 Northwestern
Dec. 29, 8:00 pm
San Antonio, TX
Nothing compliments watching a football game quite like a cool, frosty beverage. For this game, try a vodka-cyanide.
Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl
Nevada vs. Maryland
Dec. 30, 4:30 pm
This is the truck stop bowl, no shitting, Roady’s is a chain of truck stops, what is next the Garden State Toll Way Bowl? And, if there is one thing truck stops are know for, is their humanitarian efforts. All I have to say is, truck stop bathrooms are anything but humanitarian. Tune your CB Radio to channel 89.whogivesashit.
Rice vs. Western Michigan
Dec. 30, 8:00, pm
The Maize and Blue head down to Houston for a… Oh wait, WESTERN Michigan is playing this game, my bad, where are the Wolverines on this list? Oh right, they sucked this year, now Rice has to play Western Michigan, what a barnburner!
Pacific Life Holiday Bowl
No. 13 Oklahoma State vs. No. 17 Oregon
Dec. 30, 8:00 pm
San Diego, CA
Something about Oklahoma State just does not scream Pacific Life to me.
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl
Air Force vs. Houston
Dec. 31, Noon
Fort Worth, TX
Does Air Force play here every year? Throw a bone to the Coast Guard, wouldya!
No. 20 Pittsburgh vs. Oregon State
Dec. 31, 2:00 pm
El Paso, TX
I feel like the bowl committee just gave up on naming this bowl. The Sun Bowl, that is genius, why not call it the earth bowl, the moon bowl, or even the Air Bowl? Since the bowl is played in El Paso, they could have just cut to the chase and called it “The Shit Hole Bowl,” and it rhymes!
Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl
No. 24 Boston College vs. Vanderbilt
Dec. 31, 3:30 pm
Easily the manliest sounding bowl of the year. Let’s hope the winner doesn’t break out in a Rockette’s style kick line... jeeezuz.
Minnesota vs. Kansas
Dec. 31, 5:30 pm
Here is some insight, skip this crap shoot out and head out for New Year’s Eve early, first round is on the human blob of a coach, Mark Mangino. Here’s some more insight – do not watch this game in HD.
No. 14 Georgia Tech vs. LSU
Dec. 31, 7:30 pm
Mmmmmmm a big bowl of Chick-Fil-A, sounds delicious. Nothing gets me more excited than a big bowl of fried chicken before a night of guzzling a gallon of liquor. Wait a second, this is a football game? False fucking advertising! Georgia Tech is ranked higher than LSU? Where am I? Wasn’t LSU no. 3 at some point this year?
Iowa vs. South Carolina
Jan. 1, 11:00 am
I think South Carolina has played in this bowl every year they make a bowl, what the hell is that? It would be awesome if they played Australian Rules Football instead of American Football, right, so throw another shrimp on the Barbie! I am setting the over/under on Spurrier taking his visor off his head during the game at 110, who wants in?
Capital One Bowl
No. 15 Georgia vs. No. 18 Michigan State
Jan. 1, 1:00 pm
Will this game be played by mascots? Capitol One only seems to care about mascots. And it’s in Orlando! I want to see South Carolina’s Cocky spear Mickey Mouse, now that is entertainment.
Clemson vs. Nebraska
Jan. 1, 1:00 pm
I thought the Gator Bowl was a big deal, or was that like 10 years ago? Maybe they got mixed up and were looking at the standing from 10 years ago and thought this would be an interesting match up, well, it is not. This game has as much sex appeal as Kathy Bates.
The Rose Bowl Game Presented by Citi
No. 5 USC vs. No. 8 Penn State
Jan. 1, 4:30 pm
How the hell can Citi still be doing stuff like this? Can’t Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson block this? Oh wait – he played football. Damn. Well, I’ll watch this one.
FedEx Orange Bowl
No. 12 Cincinnati vs. No. 19 Virginia Tech
Jan. 1, 8:00 pm
Cincinnati is in the Orange Bowl. That’s all we need to say.
No. 7 Texas Tech vs. No. 25 Mississippi
Jan. 2, 2:00 pm
This game just sounds racist.
AutoZone Liberty Bowl
East Carolina vs. Kentucky
Jan. 2, 5:00 pm
Why the hell is this game being played? This is the warm up to the Sugar bowl? I will probably work late that day, as should the rest of you.
All-State Sugar Bowl
No. 4 Alabama vs. No. 6 Utah
Jan. 2, 8:00 pm
New Orleans, LA
This is the game we are all looking forward to. Who doesn’t want to see if Utah’s undefeated season was a joke or not? When Alabama takes a steamy dump all over Utah and those Mormon (yes, our second Mormon joke) geeks run back to Utah to their eight wives with tears in their eyes, we can all put to rest the debate if Mid-Conference schools deserve a BCS bid.
Connecticut vs. Buffalo
Jan. 3, Noon
There are so many things wrong with this game, first are Connecticut and Buffalo division 1 teams? If so, why the hell are they playing in January, shouldn’t they be an under card for some high school state championship game? I guess the bowl committee decided to ship to shit ass teams to America’s Top Hat to settle their differences, at least they can pick up some generic pills there.
Tostitos Fiesta Bowl
No. 3 Texas vs. No. 10 Ohio State
Jan. 5, 8:30 pm
This game might actually be good to watch, Ohio State is healthy and some people thought Texas should have had a shot at the national title. Wait a second, let’s not get carried away here, Ohio State is a bunch of fucking chokers, they haven’t done shit in a bowl game since they got 15 pass interference calls in their favor against Miami a few years back. I would watch this game, but I have conveniently scheduled a vasectomy that day.
No. 22 Ball State vs. Tulsa
Jan. 6, 8:00 pm
Ball State and Tulsa just signed a contract with the UAW. But don’t worry, GMAC is going to use $15 billion dollars of bailout money to restructure the game, only to prolong an inevitable filing for chapter 11. American taxpayers are loving this bowl. (Yeah we can get political, and if you don’t like it, fuck off).
FedEx BCS National Championship Game
No. 1 Oklahoma vs. No. 2 Florida
Jan. 8, 8:00 pm
The amount of cleavage in this crowd alone make this game worth watching even if Tim Tebow were to spend all four quarters performing circumcisions on Filipino children at midfield. Personally, we're rooting for the utterly insane Billy Sims to make a game saving tackle for the Sooners, only to be stonewalled by these.