Congrats to the Bucs who crapped themselves at home against the Raiders, in turn costing themselves a playoff spot. The entire Bucs defense should be forced to parade around town in Ronde Barber's signature denim overalls. Well done.
Congrats to the Bears defense who opted to put their balls in their wives purses for a day and throw up a dud against the freakin' Texans. Even though the Vikings won, you still could have earned the Wild Card spot because of Sunday's utter NFC Fuckfest, but you let Schaub take a dump on you instead. Have fun watching the playoffs from home, dickheads.
Congrats to the Cowboys for lobbying as hard as they can for the services of Bill Cowher by thoroughly enjoying a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison beating from the Eagles, 44-6. Fierce effort, 'Boys. No seriously, good job. This was actually a great strategic move with long term interests in mind.
Congrats to the Jets who allowed Rad Pennington to end their season in the most embarrassing scenario imaginable. And so ends the Mangina era. And the Favre era. This franchise could really use a name change. The New York Flaccid Penises or the New York Empty Ball Sacks has a nice ring to it.
Congrats to the Bills for that Chinese firedrill at the end of the first half. A true celebration of discipline and organization. And that 4th and 1, three-wide set that didn't even fake the run? Awesome, Edwards only missed his target by five feet. Heroic play-calling. Just an inspiring effort all around. In the future, please forfeit, you're wasting our fucking time.
Congrats to the Lions who finished the season 0-16. No seriously, we love you. That was fucking awesome.
Congrats to the Cleveland Browns for 126 yards yesterday.
Congrats to the Cardinals for not winning their division with a record of 8-8 and instead finding the inner strength to go 9-7. It really is a privilege to watch, fellas. The NFC West could be replaced by chewed up G.I. Joe figures and no one would give a shit. Enjoy watching the playoffs from home after you get shit on next weekend.
Congrats to the Chargers for winning the Ed Hochuli Bowl. You really put on a show against that loaded, defensively masterful Broncos team. A division title at 8-8? What a tribute to the game. Hochuli reportedly celebrated this victory by slapping on a throwback leather helmet and tackling grocers at his local supermarket.
And finally, a special congrats to the Chiefs and Bengals for actually showing up to the stadium for that pointless shitwreck. 16-6 final? Sound epic.