When word came out earlier this month that Cowboys owner Jerry Jones and Yankees owner George Steinbrenner were going into business together in a private venture, the possibilities were endless. The bombastic heads of two of the most prominent professional sports franchises in the world were joining egos to dominate yet another industry.
Were they starting a consulting service on how to publicly neuter successful coaches for personal entertainment?
Maybe they were going to charge rich gamesmen thousands of dollars to hunt street bums that they rounded up for sport. Honestly a modern-day Running Man scenario sounded like something you’d expect when you find out the Boss and Jerry were incahoots.
And then they announced that the big intimidating business featuring two of the most powerful men in sports as its founders was going to be… a concession management company. Steinbrenner and Jones are basically going to start a catering business.
More specifically, they’ve formed Legends Hospitality, whose primary responsibility initially is going to be providing concessions for the new versions of Yankee Stadium and Texas Stadium that are set to be unveiled in 2009.
Sure, it makes plenty of sense financially for them to control one of the primary sources of income within their own buildings, but we expected so much more. We were hoping for some sinister corporation like the one Jack Bauer’s dad owned in 24 that sold nukes to the Russians.
Since it doesn’t look like George and Jerry will be trafficking illegal nuclear weapons together anytime soon, the least we can do is suggest some menu items to help keep their reps alive and kicking in the food industry all while leveraging their existing assets.
Look for these items in the Legends Hospitality menu coming to a stadium near you…
Carl Pavano Burgers
Hunks of pitcher Carl Pavano between toasted ciabatta bread. We’re talking actual pieces of Carl Pavano’s dismembered body. The Boss paid $40 million for this slug to win 9 games in three years. You better believe he’s getting something out of that investment.
Soft Pretzel with Botulinum-infused cheese sauce
A Jerry Jones double threat. Enjoy a traditional salted pretzel with some delectable cheese and when you’re done, suck up the leftover sauce in a syringe and inject in various spots on your face. Watch that poisonous Botulinum toxin smooth out those wrinkles. Tastes good and reverses the aging process. Well worth $35 a plate.
Derek Jeter’s Crap on a Stick
If you think it’s a bit ridiculous to package and sell Derek Jeter’s feces, that probably means you’re not a Yanks fan. Everything Jeter does is perfect. He bones the hottest chicks, gets the clutch hits, wins championships and doesn’t appear in creepy Guitar Hero commercials - basically the polar opposite of A-Rod in every aspect. We’re betting Jeter’s crap tastes like teriyaki chicken.
Mike Irvin’s Special Funnel Cakes
Who doesn’t love a good funnel cake? Take some batter, drizzle it into a fryer until it’s nice and crispy, dust it with some powdered sugar and voila, you’ve got a stadium staple. But if these guys were satisfied with the standard stadium fare, they wouldn’t be in business together. So instead of the traditional recipe, they went with chef Michael Irvin’s version. Let’s just say that the “powdered sugar” might be a little more potent on the Legends funnel cakes than you’re used to.
Crowd at the stadium will be rowdy as hell though.
Why the hell would you sell scissors at a concession stand? Simple. Big George doesn’t accept facial hair or unruly mop tops that why. Say you walk up to buy a soda and happen to be sporting a mullet, well guess what? You’re going to be buying a pair of scissors, heading to the bathroom and chopping that hideous thing off or you’re leaving. Damn hippy.
Calzones from Paisanos
Constanza was right. These things are freaking tremendous.
Admittedly, hot dogs are not a terribly original menu item at a sporting event. But when Jerry Jones is in charge, it’s not about the dog itself, rather the way it’s prepared. You see, Jerry has always felt a kinship with former big mouth cornerback Deion Sanders who won a Super Bowl as a member of the Cowboys in 1995. What better way to honor his former employee than by selling a stadium mainstay prepared in the world famous Deion Sanders Hot Dog Express…
Hell for $50 they’ll even sell you the machine.
If the Cowboys are willing to give up a 1st rounder, 3rd rounder and 6th rounder for Roy Williams, chances are that, if you buy a Deion Sanders Hot Dog and beer, they would be willing to throw in a 7th rounder for free. Call it a Legends Hospitality “value meal”.
Their new business venture might not be anything befitting their reputations, but something tells me Jerry Jones and George Steinbrenner will be able to put their mark on the sports concession industry. If nothing else, naming your company “Legends” Hospitality in honor of yourself shows that the egos aren’t going anywhere.
And hey, let’s look on the bright side. If they ever need someone to man the concession stand, I’m pretty sure Barry Switzer is free.
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