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Doug Collins has upped the ante once again on fellow NBA fashion chameleons Hubie Brown and Mike Fratello. Boldly ditching his popular Max Headroom look for a new, understated and creepy James Woods look (complimented by the always shady tinted glasses).
Touche, Doug.... touche....
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It's PRIME-TIME on NBC!! It's Mens Synchro Diving!!
It's The Chinese team!! Unleashing the dangerous "Reverse Double Farting Flying Squirrel" to a stunned crowd!!
It's spectacular diving drama!! With horrible disasters and breathtaking perfect 10's!!
IT'S....uhhhhh.....um....wait, what the hell is this??
Seriously, what the hell is going on here? I'm still watching the Olympics right? Is someone sitting on the remote? What's getting judged here?
OK, fuck this... I'm watching "Walker: Texas Ranger" re-runs...
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The Spectrum in Philadelphia, former home to the Flyers and Sixers, will sadly be demolished early next year following the conclusion of the 2008-09 seasons for the Philadelphia Phantoms and Kixx, whoever the fuck they are. The arena, while sorely outdated compared to it's present day counterparts, was rich with history, both good and bad, as well as a frequent home to the WWF during it's heyday with a young Savage and Hogan.
Some members of the Hernia staff were fortunate to see many different games and events at the Spectrum when it was still relevant, and felt obliged to honor it in a by-the-numbers storytelling fashion:
0 - Numbers of times anyone ever clapped for Bob Thornton
1 - Number of players who didn't get shit thrown at them during their career as a Sixer (Erving, Julius)
2 - Number of people that ever alerted security that someone was throwing shit on the court/rink
3" - Height of the layer of Velveeta left on the Spectrum's seats after every Flyers game
4- Number of people that gave a shit when The Warlord, accompanied by Slick, defeated Tito Santana at SummerSlam in 1990
5 - Number of fans crushed to death by Rich Mahorn's ass while diving for loose balls
6 - Number of times Manute Bol hit his head on the Jumbotron
9 - Number of times Manute Bol tried to dunk the Jumbotron
12 - Number of dead hookers found in the Jumbotron
13" - Average inches of urine on bathroom floor during any given event at the Spectrum
15 - Number of total people who attended a Flyers game sober
22 - Average number of pretzel bits lodged in Kurt Nimphius' perm by the 3rd quarter
25 - Number of Sixer fans that actually believed Dave Hoppen truly had a knee injury
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(BEIJING, CHINA) -- Longtime NBA sideline reporter, Craig Sager, was thrown out of the Olympic Village, and China altogether, early Sunday morning after security guard dogs picked up traces of weapons-grade plutonium emanating from his controversial "Electric Suit of Destiny" (seen here during 2007 NBA All-Star game).
This isn't the first time Sager's flashy, and literally electric, attire has caused problems. A look back of at some of his more dubious moments:
- 1995: The normally clutch Nick Anderson misses 4 straight free-throws at the end of Game 1 of the Finals, leading to a Magic collapse. It would later be revealed that Anderson was temporarily blinded by Sager's strobe-light jacket.
- 1998: Sager accidentally gives a high voltage shock to a sweaty Knicks City Dancer as she prances off the floor. She would awaken from her coma 6 months later.
- 2004: Sager ruins surprise party for Charles Barkley as Sir Charles spots Sager's 'neon christmas-light' suit blinking in the window from the bottom of his driveway.
- 2007: Sager causes massive Las Vegas black-out as he plugs in his suit for the Rookies-Sophomores game.
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See, what's cool about that headline along with the 500 other ones saying the same exact thing is -- it freakin' rhymes! Now how the hell was everyone able to come up with this niftiness on such short notice? Wizardry, we say.
More importantly, does this mean anyone lucky enough to attend a Jets home game this year will be privy to, "J-E-T-S, Brett! Brett! Brett!" chants? We certainly hope so.
The one positive thing to draw from all of this is we can finally rest easy now that this Favre ordeal is over with. And since he's in the small, irrelevant metropolis of New York, we likely won't hear much more, that is of course unless you're counting ESPN's Rachel Nichols, who is currently lodged between Favre's ball bag and right leg, anxiously waiting to ask him if he has dined with Derek Jeter yet.
What we're truly shocked about is none of the New York rags did a play on the word "Favre." Well, we're here to help:
Super Bowl Not Too Favre Away
How Favre They've Come
No Telling How Favre Jets Can Go
Jets Now Favre Above Expectations
Jets Find QB Favre and Away
Favre From Home, Brett is a Jet
Not Favre From Broadway Anymore
Over the Bridge and Favre Away
In a Galaxy Favre Favre Away...
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Just look at his face, he knows damn well he's about to go hoggin'. In fact, there's nothing else he could be doing here but goin' hoggin'.
So devilish, so wry, so mercilessly unsympathetic.
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... kill me
... end me
... slay me
... boink me
... wash me
... pork me
... jizz on me
... shit on me
... poke me on facebook
... poke me in my dung dispenser
... give me legitimate painkillers, these are crap
... give me a legitimate reason to take painkillers
... take a machete to my beard
... take a rototiller to my nuts
... have a cheesehead sit on my face
... admit I look like an Ewok
... do that thing to my cheeks to make me look like the Joker
... trick me into sleeping in a bathtub filled with cement mix
... do a cannonball on all of Bristol's satellite dishes
... suffocate me with Tugboat's gut
... get me a lapdance from Wendy Nix wearing only Packer pasties
... tell Aaron Rodgers that he looks like a QB from the 80s, not the 00s
... throw an interception to my paperboy
... rip this annoying fucking look off my face
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Although the umpire appears to be resisting O-Dog, it's only a matter of time before he gives in and holds onto him like Mutombo once clutched the world. After all, what soulless prick could possibly be impervious to being swept up by Frank Drebin's eloquent words?
"It's a topsy-turvy world, and maybe the problems of two people don't amount to a hill of beans. But this is our hill. And these are our beans."
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