The Sports Hernia Blog

Hernia plea to WFAN: End this f*****g torture

The intention of this commercial is of course well meaning and for charity, but when we hear this song while listening to Mike & the Mad Dog or other WFAN programming, it makes us want to turn our balls into a shooting range and just end it all.  It makes us want to tie our heels to a speeding Corvette while it zig-zags through a busy, not-up-to-code construction site.  It makes us want to do the Nestea Plunge into a pool of starving sharks with 50 pounds of choice steak attached to our ankles.

If we were ever fortunate enough to meet the assclown who sings in the background seemingly every 5 minutes like some annoying cartoon music teacher, we'd smash his shitty Casio keyboard over his shitty head. 

Please, for the sake of the fucking sanity of your god damn listeners, end this torture.

Report: MLB GM's think they're playing fantasy baseball

Seriously, what the hell is going on, every GM in baseball has suddenly grown a sack?  We're convinced they're just virtual sacks and they simply think they're playing fantasy baseball.

Griffey accepts trade to White Sox  (Ken Rosensquirrel)
Manny to the Packers, Marlins  (Yahoo! Big League Stew)
Yanks acquire catcher Pudge Rodriguez  (ESPN)
Darryl Strawberry traded to the Springfield Isotopes  (Google Images)

Update: All MLB GMs are playing Fantasy Baseball:

This really ties together the risky acquisition of lesbian catcher Ivan Rodriguez, considering Cashman has tits.

Pujols debuts new "sparring with God" shoutout

That or he's playfully pretending to slurp a horse's dick.

Yanks acquire lesbian catcher Pudge Rodriguez

Twilo is expected to reopen their doors this weekend after seven long years to throw a special "Welcome to New York" party for Pudge, the Yankees first lesbian catcher.

Similarly, Brother Jimmy's and Rodeo Bar will be throwing half price "Get Drunk and Puke on Chicks" themed happy hours all week in honor of Kyle Farnsworth's departure.

Play fill-in-the-blank with Aaron Rodgers

Aaron Rodgers reacted earlier today after learning from Chris "Ribbit" Mortensen that Brett Favre had faxed his reinstatement letter to the NFL while simultaneously passing some noxious Sheboygan Brat gas in his living room.  Exciting shit. 

Well we took a look at Rodgers' quotes and it's clear he opted for the high road and said all the right things, which we commend him for considering the unique circumstances.  But we had a funny hunch that he wasn't expressing it the way he truly wanted to.

See if you can fill in the blanks for Rodgers (answer key is upside down at bottom right -- and don't cheat)

"I'm not as ______ affected as you ______ guys think I ______ am or ______ should be," said Rodgers.  "They told me I'm the ______ starter, and until that ______ changes, that's going to be my ______ focus.  I keep ______ saying that."

"I have ______ confidence in myself and I have ______ confidence in how the ______ coaches on the ______ staff feel about me," he said.  "And he's not ______ here yet.  We're still ______ dealing in ______ hypotheticals for the moment, until he ______ gets here."

Other starting pitchers ESPN considered for Sunday night's game

During ESPN's broadcast of the Yankees-Sox game on Sunday Night, sensitive producers gave a shout-out to the seemingly forgotten Carl Pavano by naming him New York's starting pitcher for the evening.

How a graphic of his name was even available in anything but old ASCII graphics, we may never know.  At the very least it should've been dusty.

Before they came to this sentimental decision, other equally relevant names were thrown around the production truck:

• Whitey Ford
• Don Larson
• Chupacabra
• A Kraken
• The Loch Ness Monster
• Greg Oden
• Steve Howe
• Sloth
• Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh
• Jarrod Washburn
• Gandalf the Grey
• Keyser Söze
• Hideki Irabu

Mad Dog Minute now offering sign language for the legally stupid

We're learning lately that it's possible to get more out of Chris Russo's Mad Dog Minute on MSNBC simply by watching it without sound rather than listening to the accompanying words that go along with his animated gestures.

There are several different things that could be going on here, and to play it this way makes it much more of an adventure.  Here are some ideas:

- He's explaining his side of a traumatizing encounter with a police officer

- He's just trying to show us his version of "the move"

- He's seeing one of his own sex tapes for the first time

- This is the strip of pictures he got from the photo booth at Golf N' Stuff last weekend

- He's discussing in great detail one of his intensely boring tennis matches

- This is what he does every time he watches the scene where Elliot's bicycle leaves the ground with E.T.

- He's going through all the faces he makes when Francesa opts for the 35 cent wing special

- He's putting forth a very confusing effort in trying to spell out "Ass Man" with his hands

- He's showing all the possible ways he might react when approached about his Alf hair wisp

- This is the range of emotions he displayed to producers after catching wind of the "Sneakin' Nuggets" post

- He's foolishly trying to give sign language to a blind person

Even informative blurbs in the newspaper take shots at Pavano

"Out forever."  Such a beloved figure here in New York, that Carl Pavano.  The only thing they neglected to do was call him Carla or Glass Joe, and throw in a mention about how his remarkable cigar face makes him look like he's been trapped in Donnie Walsh's ashtray for weeks.

Danica Patrick...

... sure can pull off a mean Miss Piggy impression
... is wearing a live rattlesnake as a belt
... has no idea Forest Whitaker is looking straight down her dress
... is about to say, "Stella, STEL-LA!!!!!!!"
... is seconds away from watching her hair challenge Michelle Tafoya's space helmet to a ladder match
... rocks a stunning 'Kate Moss at 5am' impression
... is a doll
... is wearing Estelle Getty's dress
... is making Tim Gunn cry
... is waiting for Vincent Ludwig to activate her with his special keychain
... stole Steven Tyler's face
... thinks she's in the spaghetti scene from Lady and the Tramp

Orel Hershiser's improbable turn to a possessed madman

ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball was already off the charts tonight with their new 'bathroom stall' camera feature, but the stunning presence of a completely insane Orel Hershiser, proud new owner of the greatest Joker portrayal to date, simply stole the show. 

Did John Miller forget to wear pants?  Did Steve Phillips suddenly go back to his part-in-the-middle look when the camera panned away?  Did Elaine give him the Uncle Leo treatment and paint angry eyebrows on his face?  Whatever it is, this normally mild-mannered individual wants to kick the living shit out of everyone.

At this point Hershiser has the entire nation mentally crippled in a highly uncomfortable and paranoid state, yet John Miller thinks the guy is an absolute ray of light, like he's making god damn balloon animals and handing out cotton fuckin' candy. 

What happened to this dude?  If an alien tears out of his stomach and hops on Miller's head to act as an unflattering toupee, we won't exactly be surprised.