The Sports Hernia Blog

Merciless soccer sniper still at large

The unforgiving marksman continued his assault on soccer players this weekend, this time at a World Cup qualifying match, taking out the understandably emotional Marvin Gonzalez of El Salvador.

So far, the only suspects are these guys...

And this guy...

German player apparently steps on Ronaldo with diamond-plated poison-tipped cleats

Legendary foreign draft prospects of the NBA

With the always humorous NBA draft less than a week away, the Sports Hernia took an emotional look back at past legends of Europe that have hit the league, yet have somehow already been forgotten.  So go ahead and finish growing out that Sarunas Marciulionis mustache you've been talking about, throw in some awful Halloween teeth and enjoy the ride.

Brad Newley
(54th pick, Orlando Magic -- 2007)

Country:  Australia
Vital Stats:  Two webbed feet
Interesting Fact:  Hates the Utah Jazz.  Those things you see behind him are puppeteer strings used by his coach that assist him in getting proper positioning underneath.
Listed NBA Comparison:  Scouting report says 'N/A' -- Wow. So final, as if there will never be a comparison to Newley.  A simple "We'll get back to you" would've sufficed.
Recommended NBA comparison:  Lloyd Christmas.  Funnily enough, Newley is actually from Austria:
"Austria!  Well, then.  G'day mate!  Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!"
Notes:  Already independently wealthy as a result of the lucrative  modeling contract he signed with 'got2b' hair gel, so scouts know this Aussie is playing for the love of getting dunked on.  The graceful stud had always wondered why everyone he was speaking to had their eyes rolled into the back of their heads until he later realized they were just looking at his forehead.

*****

Ha-Sueng Jin
(47th pick, Portland Trailblazers -- 2004)

Country: South Korea
Vital Stats:  12'7, 855 lbs
Interesting Fact: Jin was discovered by Chad Ford on the South Korean eHarmony (see profile pic above).  Has boned your girlfriend.
Listed NBA comparison:  Mark Eaton.
Recommended NBA comparison:   Arco Arena Jumbotron.
Notes: Only player to wear a leather coat during all pre-draft workouts.  The only English he knows is "Baaby Ruuth!"

*****

Chiekh Samb
(51st pick, Detroit Pistons -- 2006)

Country:  Senegal
Vital Stats:  7'1, 126 lbs
Interesting Fact:  After reading up on his lengthy list of weaknesses we did a rough translation as to what the scouts meant.  They might want to revise it to this, just so things are a bit more clear:  'Doesn't quite understand the game, is unsure he's playing basketball, does not know where he is and is not happy to be there.  Also dislikes photographers.'
Listed NBA Comparison:  N/A
Recommended NBA Comparison:  A much less physical Manute Bol.
Notes:  Lacks shoulders, as arms are duct-taped to torso, making shot blocking ability even more impressive.  Would like to be left alone.

*****
 

Joel Freeland
(30th pick, Portland Trailblazers -- 2006)

Country: England
Vital Stats:  3 visible chest hairs.
Intersting Fact:   Wears humorous "I'm With Joel" t-shirt when rolling with Joel Pryzbilla.
Listed NBA comparison:  Keon Clark.  Upon finding this out, Freeland couldn't believe how much his NBA career was about to suck.  Also, sounds like a Keebler Elf when speaking.
Notes:  Freeland still can't believe he was taken 30th overall; he also can't believe he took honorable mention at the 8th grade Science Fair last week. His bad-boy image stems from several suspensions for reading Harry Potter during pre-game film study.

*****

Cenk Akyol
(59th pick, Atlanta Hawks -- 2005)

Country:  Turkey
Vital Stat:  Is actually a 9-year-old with a thyroid condition
Intersting Fact:  Really loves to meet people.  Has no idea he was chosen by the Hawks in 2005.
Listed NBA comparison:  Surprise, 'N/A'
Recommended NBA comparison:  A younger, more fun Jeff Foster, but with a mean streak like Ricky Davis.
Notes:  Would like to contact the Hawks about an eventual flight to Atlanta. Is a total shoe whore. Plays keyboards for electro-clash group Turkeyfried.

*****

A-Rod applauds as Yanks break ground on new team day spa

It was two snaps up in a circle for A-Rod yesterday following the exciting festivities in which Yankees brass announced construction on a state-of-the-art, players only day spa and nail salon, set to be conveniently located adjacent to the team's locker room at the new Yankee Stadium.

A-Rod, the honorary ribbon cutter who came to the event directly from a manicure, was visibly giddy for the festivities despite a brief moment of uneasiness when he refused to wear a Yankee construction helmet out of fear he might mess up his strategically placed, freshly dyed auburn locks of hair.

New Yankee Stadium to boast a Hard Rock Cafe  (AP)

Rusty's girlfriend from European Vacation spotted at Euro Cup

Given that it's been 23 years since the movie was filmed, color us impressed.  Rusty on the other hand, must look like shit.

NY Post gives Mets the old kid-gloves treatment

A photoshopped frown on your team mascot and clown noses all around to the team's top management -- standard procedure around these parts.

If you squint just enough, you might be able to see that the Celtics beat the Lakers to win the NBA title last night.

And a story that surprisingly didn't make the back page was Hank Steinbrenner's lengthy truffle shuffle at home plate during the 7th inning stretch of last night's game.

 

Kobe cements place in history as greatest Jordan fraud of all time

Kobe's elimination game performance in Game 6 of the Finals was inspiring enough to remind us of another equally astounding elimination game performance in 1989 when Sixers center Mike Gminski courageously battled the Knicks front line, but mostly himself, coming up short in the end and losing the series 3-0.

Further proof for those Celtics fans who still insist that Doc Rivers is in fact a CGI creation.

Russo: 'Kobe Bryant is not a patch on Michael Jordan's fanny'

Here's to hoping the word fanny can make a huuuuuge comeback.

Mad Dog Minute: Tidbits  (NBC Sports)

The Yankees Wang has been shelved

We've never heard of a shelved Wang, but it sounds god awful.  Best of luck to the Yanks as they begin to play without their Wang.

It's certainly hard to imagine any more classic quotes coming from Hank without having his coveted Wang around.

Other possibilities for the headline:

MRI reveals Wang's sprain; no Yanks until September

All goes wrong for Wang just before scoring

Yanks Wangless at inopportune time

Yankees rise short-lived thanks to Wang

Wang fitted with brace

Cashman: We're nothing without our Wang

Other ways the Mets could have fired Willie

In case you didn't know yet, the Mets wacked Willie Randolph at 3am last night following the team's victory over the Los Angeles Angels.  Seeing that they took such a classless route in letting him and the majority of his staff go, we thought we'd throw in a few ways the organization could have gone about this move a bit classier.

1. Hit Willie over the head with a steel chair while he makes a pitching change; then spray paint “F-I-R-E-D” on his back.
2. Dress up a team of fake Mets to fly with him on a decoy plane to Afghanistan while the real Mets fly to Los Angeles to play the Angels.
3. Release video of Willie playing army with Dark Helmet.
4. Drive him to the woods so Silvio can chase him down and shoot him in the back.
5. Slowly tweeze his mustache one hair at a time until he offers his resignation.
6. Make him wear a Rusty Staub wig and bench coach Jerry Manuel's glasses until the humiliation is just too much to handle.
7. Put him in the trunk of a car and take him to the Pine Barrens, then accidentally let him escape, never to be heard from again.
8. Mic him up to the PA system for all home games and force him to explain each pitching change and lineup move until someone at Shea jumps from the stands and takes him out themselves.
9. Fax him a pink slip while on vacation.
10. Force him to run from the Indiana Jones boulder until it eventually squashes him like a pancake.
11. Put him on the dais of a Roast and then at the end have Carrot Top act out his firing with a flare gun and a large plastic whale.
12. Throw a cooler of water on his back as if they're celebrating something great; then tell him he's fired.
13. Tell him that he's either fired or has to watch Temple of Doom and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull in a row.
14. Have Dog the Bounty Hunter and his crew take Willie from the dugout mid-game.
15. Make him and Rick Peterson hit each other with giant Itchy & Scratchy hammers until they're both out of commission.
16. IM him a crying emoticon and type "TTYL".
17. Have the Undertaker run him over with his suped up hearse.