With the always humorous NBA draft less than a week away, the Sports Hernia took an emotional look back at past legends of Europe that have hit the league, yet have somehow already been forgotten. So go ahead and finish growing out that Sarunas Marciulionis mustache you've been talking about, throw in some awful Halloween teeth and enjoy the ride.
(54th pick, Orlando Magic -- 2007)
Vital Stats: Two webbed feet
Interesting Fact: Hates the Utah Jazz. Those things you see behind him are puppeteer strings used by his coach that assist him in getting proper positioning underneath.
Listed NBA Comparison: Scouting report says 'N/A' -- Wow. So final, as if there will never be a comparison to Newley. A simple "We'll get back to you" would've sufficed.
Recommended NBA comparison: Lloyd Christmas. Funnily enough, Newley is actually from Austria:
"Austria! Well, then. G'day mate! Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!"
Notes: Already independently wealthy as a result of the lucrative modeling contract he signed with 'got2b' hair gel, so scouts know this Aussie is playing for the love of getting dunked on. The graceful stud had always wondered why everyone he was speaking to had their eyes rolled into the back of their heads until he later realized they were just looking at his forehead.
(47th pick, Portland Trailblazers -- 2004)
Country: South Korea
Vital Stats: 12'7, 855 lbs
Interesting Fact: Jin was discovered by Chad Ford on the South Korean eHarmony (see profile pic above). Has boned your girlfriend.
Listed NBA comparison: Mark Eaton.
Recommended NBA comparison: Arco Arena Jumbotron.
Notes: Only player to wear a leather coat during all pre-draft workouts. The only English he knows is "Baaby Ruuth!"
(51st pick, Detroit Pistons -- 2006)
Vital Stats: 7'1, 126 lbs
Interesting Fact: After reading up on his lengthy list of weaknesses we did a rough translation as to what the scouts meant. They might want to revise it to this, just so things are a bit more clear: 'Doesn't quite understand the game, is unsure he's playing basketball, does not know where he is and is not happy to be there. Also dislikes photographers.'
Listed NBA Comparison: N/A
Recommended NBA Comparison: A much less physical Manute Bol.
Notes: Lacks shoulders, as arms are duct-taped to torso, making shot blocking ability even more impressive. Would like to be left alone.
(30th pick, Portland Trailblazers -- 2006)
Vital Stats: 3 visible chest hairs.
Intersting Fact: Wears humorous "I'm With Joel" t-shirt when rolling with Joel Pryzbilla.
Listed NBA comparison: Keon Clark. Upon finding this out, Freeland couldn't believe how much his NBA career was about to suck. Also, sounds like a Keebler Elf when speaking.
Notes: Freeland still can't believe he was taken 30th overall; he also can't believe he took honorable mention at the 8th grade Science Fair last week. His bad-boy image stems from several suspensions for reading Harry Potter during pre-game film study.
(59th pick, Atlanta Hawks -- 2005)
Vital Stat: Is actually a 9-year-old with a thyroid condition
Intersting Fact: Really loves to meet people. Has no idea he was chosen by the Hawks in 2005.
Listed NBA comparison: Surprise, 'N/A'
Recommended NBA comparison: A younger, more fun Jeff Foster, but with a mean streak like Ricky Davis.
Notes: Would like to contact the Hawks about an eventual flight to Atlanta. Is a total shoe whore. Plays keyboards for electro-clash group Turkeyfried.
(50th pick, Dallas Mavericks -- 2007)
Vital Stats: 13 murders last season.
Interesting Fact: Loves Milwaukee. Hates rejection. Was conceived by Ivan Drago and a pitbull.
Listed NBA Comparison: Fred Roberts/Brad Lohaus.
Recommended NBA comparison: Jeff Van Gundy on Alonzo Mourning's leg.
Notes: Hated puberty. Has a restraining order on Chad Ford. Still not sure how he feels about being exposed to a new gene pool.
(39th Pick, Miami Heat -- 2007)
Vital Stats: Amazing 76" wingspan on ears.
Intersting Fact: Rides a giant Sheep Dog to practice. Loves Benny Hill. Has dunked on Milosovic's head in a pick up game.
Listed NBA comparison: "Wang Zhi Zhi" -- Guess that's better than Frankenstein.
Notes: Wing span is said to be as wide as a human mass grave. Is dying to grow a Divac beard, but since he hasn't reached puberty, he will run with that shitty chin hair.
(40th, Toronto Raptors -- 2004)
Vital Stats: 37 visits to Dr. Zizmor.
Interesting Fact: Will one day encompass Dick Bavetta's bald head with his armpit. Also, one of only 3 players in europe still allowed to wear a cape during games.
Listed NBA comparison: N/A
Recommended NBA comparison: Tim Duncan/Brad Daugherty's hairline.
Notes: Killed the photographer who took this picture after he had the audacity to charge for retouching but never actually did it. Averages 10 points more per game when "The Monster Mash" is played during introductions.
(38th pick, Philedelphia 76ers -- 2007)
Vital Stats: Pays $100 for a haircut.
Intersting Fact: The most interesting fact about Fesenko is what a god damn mystery he is.
Listed NBA comparison: N/A
Recommended NBA Comparison: Kelly Tripucks v2.0
Notes: Tends to face the wrong way. Not known to get good position underneath. Often times flies out of the paint in a ballerina-like fashion. When drafted, Fesenko dramatically walked on stage backwards and spun around to reveal his deadly "Magnum II" look to an awestruck David Stern and NYC crowd.