The Sports Hernia Blog

Mel Kiper, Todd McShay trade hair in draft day shocker

Suns fan secretly hoping for Nugget victory

Sir, you should know that fellow Nuggets fan Ralph Wiggum and millions of Kindergartner's across the nation salute you on this fine Spring day.  Not only for the bravery you showed by picking your nose in front of a bright ESPN camera merely two feet away from you, but for the commitment to the aggressive dig you put forth.

Viewing tips for the NFL Draft

– Every time Chris Mortenson reminds you of a toad, catch a fly with your tongue.

– If you get any of your mock draft picks wrong, wrestle yourself.

– Keep some handy wipes close by for when Tom Jackson spits on your television screen.

– Wearing a helmet, jersey, socks, wristbands, Zubaz and sitting in a blow-up Helmet chair doesn't help your team, so dress and sit like a normal person, dickhead.

– When John Clayton appears, play with your Beaker doll.

– Go to a bar in a pin-striped suit and sit at a round table.  Pick up your phone and then suddenly raise your arms in the air, say thank you and then do the Sapp booty dance.

– Your Sports Illustrated helmet phone is unplugged, so stop pretending you're talking to someone at the draft.

– Each time you grow a mustache, shave it off and give it to your friend.  See how many you can dish out by the end of the first day.

– Time travel to your team's pick in each round so you can actually do something with your pathetic day.

– If your a Jets fan, don't be shy, throw a little cyanide into your drinking helmet.

– When an ex-QB sticks up for another QB, ask your dog to suplex you into the television set.

– Knock on your neighbor's doors and tell them everyone is watching the draft at the Peach Pit.

– Every time Mel Kiper talks, eat some cat nip.

Joba Chamberlain remains a mystery to Fox Sports and only Fox Sports

(click to enlarge)

Despite Joba Chamberlain pitching just a hair over 24 innings for the Yankees last season, the portly fella became an instant sensation with the fans and media in New York, and it's continued into this season. 

Some people have been outraged and annoyed by this, arguing it might be a bit too early for such obscene attention paid to a guy many feel has a lot to prove -- we suspect Fox Sports is in this camp.

Joba Chamberlain player page (Fox Sports)

Source: Larry Brown leaving somewhere, going somewhere

Reports are surfacing out of Philadelphia that Larry Brown has resigned as executive vice president of basketball operations something vague and nonexistent in order to pursue a possible coaching gig in the college or pro level, likely whichever one offers the best opportunity to win most guaranteed money.

Upon hearing the news we had to back up for a moment to remember that Brown was actually still part of the Sixer organization.  The last we could we recall, he was brought in by the exceptionally inept Billy King as additional backup so as not get to get fleeced in the impending Iverson deal. 

Kind of forgot he stuck around beyond that, especially with Ed Stefanski taking over.  Who knows. 

Anyway, let's take a look at the embarrassing quotes from his agent and other characters regarding this latest change calculated search to score yet another big contract.

"He has the taste of coaching back in his mouth," said Brown's agent, Joe Glass.  "It would be refreshing to have a situation going that he could enjoy, rather than the last one, to say the least."
Actually he probably has the taste of a $500 steak and a $95 glass of wine in his mouth with all the loot he's pillaged from the Knicks and Sixers since 2005 -- one of which was the all important and relevant "office gig," not to mention his disgraceful flirting with the Cavs during the 2005 Finals.

Glass said Brown, who won an NBA title with Detroit and a college title with Kansas, would not rule out returning to either level.
Really, he wouldn't rule out returning to either level?  You gotta be shittin' us.  You sure we're talking about LB,  the one who convincingly shakes his head at press conferences and still calls his 35-year old veterans "kids" so as to sound genuine and fatherly, but then bolts to the next gig like he's sexually confused?  That shocks the tits out of us.   

"Larry was born to coach and this is something he and I talked about when I took the job here back in December, so it comes as no surprise to me," 76ers president Ed Stefanski said.
Nor should it Ed, if anyone thought this was a surprise they deserve to have their nuts babooned with a sledgehammer.

Brown rarely attended games or even practices in his second stint.
Why should the executive vice president of basketball operations attend games or practices?  Silly assholes.

Heckling video narrator not ready for the WWF announcing table just yet

Transcript of the narration:

"Joe Smith heckling the fans."
"Joe Smith heckling the fans over here."
"Joe Smith."
"Joe Smith heckling the fans here."
"Joe Smith in a heckling battle with uh, the fans here."

Got it.  Joe Smith.  Heckling.  Fans.

We were expecting this makeshift announcer to yell out at any moment "Boom goes the dynamite." 

And how did he forget who they were by the fourth time?  More importantly, we wanna party with this guy!

Joe Smith of the Mets heckles the Wrigley Bleachers (Home Run Derby)
Video: Joe Smith heckles fans (Mets Blog)

Dan Le Batard's chest hair and stubble dangerously close to forming Voltron

Flounder in Miami (Napkin Nights via Deadspin)

Giambi to nation: Am I creeping you out?

Grizzly bear admits he too lied about his age

Rocky the Grizzly bear came forward late this afternoon stating there were some inaccuracies coming out of the various reports regarding the tragic accident between him and his trainer. 

The engaging bear waved down members of the media (including the crew from ESPN's E:60) for a brief meeting outside the white truck he sleeps in, confessing that while it is true he's 7'6" tall and a little over 700 pounds, he initially lied about his age, and he's actually 7 years old and not 5 as reported.   

Rocky also added that he'd now like to be left alone, doesn't know what the fuck a movie is and that he's single.

Show biz grizzly kills trainer at Southern California animal facility (Los Angeles Times)

Cubs going for 10,000th win, trying to avoid 90,000th loss

From the "this story is supposed to be positive but all it does is remind us that over the last 99 seasons the Cubs have won a lot of games that weren't the World Series" department:

One win from 10,000, Cubs fly to Denver (MLB)