(PHOENIX, AZ) -- Chaos erupted in America West Arena yesterday as Shaquille O'Neal crashed into the Phoenix crowd, instantly killing 12 and injuring 37 unlucky fans. Sources say two young boys are still missing, with one believed to be trapped in Shaq's ass and the other said to be lodged somewhere inside his jersey.
A spokesman from a Phoenix area hospital offered a brief statement saying the 7'2, 490 lb Shaq had been brought into the ER to dislodge the youngsters.
Suns officials are reportedly planning on giving Sumo wrestler fat suits to all fans in the first ten rows for remaining home games.
Former NBA star Kevin Johnson, who announced earlier this week his intention to run for mayor of Sacramento, made it painfully clear at a political function on Thursday that his campaign will be centered around repeated
reminders of his pro basketball highlights.
What started as a friendly press conference in California’s capital turned into something far different once KJ took the podium and began trading barbs with incumbent Heather Fargo.
"Olajuwon, Ewing, Robinson, I've dunked on the heads of all of them,” Johnson rang from the stand. “And you too, three-term incumbent Heather Fargo, will be no different... like right now!"
Johnson then immediately ripped off his suit, revealing a vintage 80s Suns uniform to a confused crowd of reporters and political aides. He ran toward Fargo, jumped in the air and caught a beautifully timed alley hoop from one of his key point men, high above a makeshift rim that was somehow snuck into the assembly room.
After delivering a devastating facial on top of his opponent’s head, KJ gave Fargo a virtual teabag and yelled: “I also intend to revitalize our city’s parks district!”
Kaman, who is 100% orc and grew up playing pickup games on the rough and tumble blackened foothills of Mordor, claims he can play for Germany since his cousin is "living in Duessleforf, or some shit."
Sources say Kaman became expendable to team Mordor after legendary orc and former Supersonic, Detlef
Schrempf, announced he was coming out of retirement. Mordor insiders maintain Kaman has been on thin ice with Sauron ever since he cut off his glorious rat-infested mane during the summer without permission from the Overlord.
Team Mordor looks particularly interesting this year, especially since Sauron has given Robert Plant the starting shooting guard spot as an homage for the terrible Lord of the Rings lyrics he's included in Led Zeppelin songs.
See, he said 'hungry pack of crazed wolves' to indicate New Mexico's relentless effort but you see, they're not really wolves at all, they're actually known as the Lobos making such a description inaccurate and silly, just like his joke!
... is freezing his ass off ... likes to rip 'em ripe in the paint ... is in some gay step class ... is caught in his own personal game of freeze tag ... thinks he's cuddled up inside a Christmas stocking ... is giddy over the evil plan he just hatched ... has trapped himself in an invisible ice chamber ... is in the midst of a disturbing giggle rage ... can't decide if he wants to do a can-opener or cannonball ... is successfully channeling Martin Short's 'Clifford' ... has conveniently spotted a compact mirror and struck his favorite pose ... is having a interesting reaction to taking a knee up his ass ... is clearly screaming, "Ew, a mouse! A mouse!"
Headlining the recent string of hilariously misleading and inflated new NFL contracts is the Steelers and Ben Roethlisberger, who just agreed to an 8-year, $102 million deal, with just $35 million of that in actual, guaranteed money. While that's still a lot of cash, it's roughly just a third of the publicly announced dollar amount, thus making it sound much crazier than it actually is and causing morons to pound their chest and throw feces at one another.
Nevertheless, the attractive trend continues and is even catching on in other sports and industries:
U.S. Prison System sign Bengals to 6-year deal; 2 shivs guaranteed.
Bush gets $7 million deal for post-presidency speeches; crowds consisting of 18 teeth total guaranteed.
Michael Vick signs Scrappy-doo to 5-year contract; 10 million Scooby snacks guaranteed.
Tom signs Jerry to 5-year deal; over 109 in false friendship offerings guaranteed.
WWF brings back Jose Luis Rivera and signs him to 14-year deal; 5 chalupas in guaranteed money.
ACME sign Wild E. Coyote to 8-year, $16 million deal; 9 anvils dropped on the head guaranteed.
Stewart, Reynold & Associates sign middle manager Pat Kowalski to $5 million contract; $12,000 in guaranteed money.
Stimpy inks Ren to $112 million in Kitty Litter with 14 rubber nipples guaranteed.
Itchy lures Scratchy in with $94 million deal, 89 different miserable deaths guaranteed.
Larry signs Balki to 6-year, $66 million deal; 3 embarrassing reality show appearances guaranteed.
Mormons sign Shawn Bradley to 9-year, $999 million deal; 9,000 pathetic shoving matches guaranteed.
Nothing changes an average game like Betting Online. When you have a stake in the outcome of a contest, a typical match can become a memorable event. One might say that it's even more fun than a sports hernia...
and you could come away with some extra cash! The only better feeling than winning is having extra pocket money.