The Sports Hernia Blog

Bonzi Wells joins Hornets, TSH's All-Transvestite Team...

Sources close to Bonzi say the shooting guard is eager to play alongside fellow transvestites Jeff Foster and Mike Miller, the nasty 1-2 punch on the Hernia's All-Transvestite Team.

Luke Harangody continues to deny Cabbage Patch past...

Ric Flair's Hall of Fame induction ceremony: A future timeline

This past Monday the WWE announced that 16-time, that's right 16-time world champion Ric Flair will be inducted into the company's storied fake wrestling Hall of Fame.  The self-proclaimed dirtiest player in the game is reportedly already wearing giant aviator glasses and drinking champagne while at least 15 slags are said to be already riding "space mountain."

Here's a look ahead at what will likely take place during the spine-tingling induction ceremony:

8:01pm - Confusion breaks out during opening ceremonies after, miraculously, 15 different Ultimate Warriors have RSVP'd.

8:02pm - Virgil interrupts the festivities to hand out bribery fliers in support of Ted DiBiase's candidacy for the WWE Hall of Fame.

8:04pm - Flair's dramatic introduction, written in iambic pentameter, is read by Leaping Lenny Poffo, aka The Poet.

8:07pm - Mr. Fuji shamelessly promotes new line of Fuji Salt in speech to Ric.

8:09pm - Slick salutes Flair from inside Grand Theft Auto game while flipping Fuji the bird.

8:10pm - Razor Ramon crushes Flair from behind with a steel chair just seconds after he takes the podium, leading everyone in the audience to get up off their steel chairs and crush the person next to them.  Everyone laughs.

8:11pm - The retired Hawk and Animal of The Road Warriors shock all in attendance by coming in street clothes and using their real names, Blair and Stan.

Shaq challenges Apollo Creed on All-Time Nickname list; Chooses 'Big Cactus' over 'Rotting Carcass'

Shaquille O'Neal, new center and IR entry for the Phoenix Suns, continued his quest to take over the All-Time Nickname title from Apollo Creed with the addition of at least one new moniker:  The Big Cactus.

The name adds to Shaq's already plentiful portfolio of "The Diesel," "The Big Aristotle," "The Big Daddy," "Wilt Chamberneezy," "The Real Deal," "Shaq-Fu," as well as the "The Big Spender."

According to Hernia sources, Shaq narrowly decided on The Big Cactus over The Rotting Carcass.

Creed still leads the race with such dazzling nicknames as The Master of Disaster, The King of Sting, The Dancing Destroyer and (our favorite) The Count of Monte Fisto.

Curt has gimp shoulder and apparently paint-chipping gas

ESPN commenter explains what happens at hockey games on "Horny Goat Weed" night

We'll never forget our memorable experience at Madison Square Garden in 1995 during a sold out "Horny Goat Weed" night when the entire 305 and 306 sections spelled out 'R-A-N-G-E-R-S' and then broke out into a wild, synchronized bone session.

***

Past commenting gems:

1/23/08 - Marbury Tin-man zing
1/11/08 - Kobe charged zing
12/8/07 - Cowboys 'Cowgirls' zing
11/12/07 - Vince Carter zing
8/23/07 - Orioles football zing

28 Easy ways to fix baseball

Um yeah, baseball could use a little work right now and as always, the Hernia is here to help.  Listed below are 28 insightful ways to help the tainted sport before it's too late. 

Consider this giving baseball a sick boob job.

1. In lieu of a tougher steroid policy, allow hitters to use giant red wiffle ball bats.
2. Inject the crowd with heroin.
3. Mic up each fan to the stadium P.A. so they can really yell at the players, umps and managers.
4. Replace 'Take me out to the ballgame' with anything by MegaDeth or Slayer.
5. Let "Body Suit Guy" roam free.
6. Allow wild animals to roam the field during live play.
7. Each time a team begins a winning streak, peel a section off of Bud Selig's face.
8. Insist player's wives attend games in the nude.
9. Bring. Back. Dibble.
10. Stop grabbing each other's Johnsons like you're holding on for dear life, ya sick bastards.
11. Install a trap door at home plate in every stadium.
12. Force all teams to outfit monkeys in full uniform to be first base coach.
13. Screw the current umps, brings in Drebin's crew.
14. Let Gary Sheffield attack pitchers that throw at him.
15. Hijack the train at Minute Maid Park and burn that thing down in Yuma.
16. Force the Pirates to bring out their relief pitchers in a wheelbarrow.
17. Let Joe Torre manage games virtually from his home in Maui.
18. Allow announcers to openly curse during broadcasts.
19. Don't let anyone in MLB shave for the entire season.
20. Force Tampa to play all home games inside a Hooters with Nerf balls.
21. Release the Cleveland flies into Joe Buck's hotel room on every road trip.
22. Provide a cabinet of tools on the pitcher's mound so they can really fuck with things.
23. Force every player caught using steroids to use a chopstick as a bat for 3 months.
24. Every time someone mentions the courage of David Eckstein they should be submitted to a can of dirty Joba Chamberlain farts.
25. Make Bartolo Colon and David Wells pitch shirtless.
26. Put a toilet in left field at Fenway Park.
27. Find out what happened to the Expos.
28. Make the Rockies pitching staff throw underhand.

Beano Cook thinks Peter Gammons is horny

Yes, good old Beano is still alive, but appears to be sinking.

The Incomparable Beano Cook (Sports Media Journal)

Henry Waxman continues to deny anteater allegations

ESPN deftly steers away from highlights and pulls into Ass Parade Drive

We'd love to stick around and see how they used the Sepia effect, but this is all a bit much.

All we know, Roger, is that the guy behind you is painfully scorned with the fury of a mildly popular substitute teacher.