The Sports Hernia Blog

NFL combine: The lost stories

Everyone knows what a shitshow the NFL combine has become, particularly since cameras recently caught Mel Kiper measuring John Clayton's wingspan and Sean Salisbury's dongspan.

But the combine actually reached the point of ridiculous far before this year, for instance, did you know that they measure players in the broad jump?  The broad jump?  I'm pretty sure I did this in the 4th grade as part of physical fitness and although the guy in front of me jumped two inches further, it didn't change the fact that I owned his ass in four square. 

So who gives a shit, right?  When does any player have to do a broad jump in a game besides a Gramatica?

Well after finding out that wide receiver Mario Manningham killed his stock after doing the hop scotch in lieu of the broad jump, and that Notre Dame TE John Carlson likely dropped three rounds because he owns a miniature Schnauzer, seen as a pussy pet, we had to take a look back at some of the most memorable NFL combine highlights and stories.

1984 – Following the completion of his senior season, Doug Flutie somehow shrinks 4 inches and is shipped to Canada.

1984 – Steve Young's stock plummets after combine barber gives him a grade 9 concussion while tilting his head.

1986 – Bubby Brister lands himself a spot in the draft with his unique size and agility after Jim Everett launches him 70 yards down field.

1986 – Interest in Mike Sherrard continues to sky rocket after only breaking his leg three times during the four day combine.

1986 – Charles Haley's stock goes through the roof after dominating every physical test and then booting the Madden Cruiser through the uprights.

1986 – Tim Harris' stock drops dramatically after killing three scouts with his signature "smoking guns."

1987 – Jumbo Elliot takes three clown hammers to the gut, thus moving up six rounds on the Giants board.

1988 – Craig "Ironhead" Hayward's crafty agents pump Buffalo wing fumes into the Hoosier Dome, leading to his best 40 time of the year and a comfy spot on the Saints roster.

1989 - Tony Mandrich leg presses Mel Kiper Jr. 47 times after seeing him slide to No. 7 on his mock draft

1990 - Ty Detmer milks the football before each impressive toss downfield.  Affect on draft position still unknown.

Ohhhhh, that old bit

Excerpt from Worcester Telegram:

Then, in a line that even surprised the players, Bush sent a zinger toward absent left fielder Manny Ramírez.

“I guess his grandmother died again,” Bush said to prolonged laughter. “Just kidding.”

Good lord, what we would pay to see these two speak to one another in person.  Only question really is, who would say "strategery" first?  And which one would bring the cat nip?

Sox Honored at White House (Worcester Telegram)

Reasons Pavano will likely miss entire 2008 season

We all know this story will be coming soon, so let's just get it out of the way.

• Bruised spirit
• Hit in the head by stray Nerf ball
• Case of photosensitivity
• Reconstructive street clothes surgery
• Got a new couch
• Recovering from lasik
• Shoelaces stuck in toilet again
• Bruised bruises
• Holding out for coveted Wonka tour
• PogoBall incident
• Accidentally put two PocketPak Breath Strips in his mouth at once
• Started video game Pavano on Opening Day and left in the first with injury
• Beach house with Matt Clement is just too much fun
• Zimmer almost tackled him
• Stood up too fast and got that weird head rush
• Can't seem to find that good hair day we all strive for
• Fed himself to a giant plant
• Steve Howe snorted him
• Brain freeze via delicious snow cone
• Busy playing army with John Larroquette
• Accidentally got tied up in chains and thrown in Crystal Lake
• Ruptured Dorsal nasal artery after learning the deadly "Torre nose pick"
• Shattered pelvis after spending night with Alyssa Milano
• Because his hat was pulled down too low, smacked his head on low-hanging tree branch

Marbury officially joins the "Beano Cook club of predictions"

Stephon Marbury Should Be A Professional Prognosticator (Deadspin)

Beano Cook confuses Ron Powlus with God (Wikipedia)

Yao injures leg, inexplicably given massive shot of Novocaine

Fighter Hayabusa arrives in Fort Myers looking plump

An interesting look at Fighter Hayabusa at left thriving in his prime back in 1986, clearly sporting the confidence of a man destined for greatness.  To your right is sadly a look at Hayabusa today, arriving in Fort Myers at the Red Sox facilities carrying just a bit more weight both literally and figuratively.

Let's hope Terry Francona can push the right buttons when using Hayabusa, if he can figure out the right combination, he should be able to find his escape out and pull off an improbable Back Brain Kick to the back of the batter's head.

Sports caricature t-shirt review (Part 4)

Since the sports world has hit a collective lull as most sane people anxiously await March Madness, and since we haven't done one of these since August, we felt it was an appropriate time to pick up where we left off with the caricature t-shirts.  And since we don't really want to hear about Clemens' wife's fake cans unless you plan on showing them to us...

Spud Webb

Ok, first of all, what is Spud the king of here, the Lollipop Kids?  After looking at Spud for no more than two seconds, any fool can tell this one never had a chance.  The look on his face must have been the same look on the artist's face when they were given this assignment. "Spud what?  Who?  Do you really... ah, fuck it, I'll do it, just give me his basketball card and I'll draw some bullshit for ya."

According to the artist, the slam dunk 'crown' is apparently the equivalent of wearing a dunce cap and standing in the corner of a room while people throw shit at you, because Spud looks like he's so ashamed to don the crown that he's been eating paste for three days.  Seriously, Ralph Wiggum lived in a more convincing, focused haze then we're getting here.  Did someone shoot him in the ass with Valium?  It's like he's dreaming of retiring in a gingerbread house or just dreaming of John Koncak money.

We consider ourselves pretty knowledgeable when it comes to sports, but for the life of us we can't recall when Spud's legs were hairier than Dante Calabria's.  Is he wolfing up?  Is this what happens when you play for the Hawks, your body just rebels against you and swallows you up in hair?

Speaking of which, that hair is dangerously headed for his face, we give him two weeks before he pops up on the Maurey Povich Show as the third and long lost Wolf Brother (they are trapeze artists, after all).

Amazingly, this technically can't be considered a caricature shirt since everything in this picture is drawn exactly to size, with the ball being twice the size of Spud's torso as the dead giveaway.

Fun fact:  Those red things on his dunce crown are actually Farley's Fruit Snacks.

Dr. J

Dr. J's "Last House Call," wow, couldn't have said it better ourselves.  If we had to guess here without seeing that catchy phrase, we'd bet the lot that it's the absolute end here for Doc.  Did someone just wake him up?  That's usually how people look when they're watching a Sixers game.  Why is he a puppet?  Are those strings supposed to signify him departing Philly? 

The look on his face describes everything you need to know about the 76ers organization under the bloated leadership of Harold Katz.  It's almost as if Doc has no idea where he is anymore and doesn't really care where he's going, as long as he's leaving.

The fact that he's about to lay a signature Dr. J finger roll of the Sixers logo into nothing kind of ties the whole thing together, we're surprised it's not raining too.  There's only so many 6'11" white centers one guy can play with and for Doc, it's evident the 1986 trio of Tim McCormick, Mark McNamara and Jeff Ruland finally put the fork in the old man.

We assume the exaggerated grayness here is from excessive washing but a nice touch nonetheless. If memory serves us right, we're pretty sure Doc had a full head of black hair on opening night until they announced the starting line-up, when gray patches suddenly appeared all over his head. Pretty sure it happened to many in attendance as well.

While the artist did a nice job bringing touches of realism to the picture, he did forget to add the Bill Cosby-esque sweater that the Doc wore underneath his jersey and the pipe he smoked during games in his farewell season.

Fun Fact:  The ball in Dr. J's hand is actually a sedative that he took to sleep through his last three seasons in Philly.

Cabrera out to prove Marlins wrong, squash "immature" label

Mets writer holds crappiest contest ever

Newark Star-Ledger writer Jeremy Cothran is holding a trivia contest for Mets fans with the lucky winner being awarded this god awful hat that only some old guy wears on the golf course when he's somehow forgotten his seven other awkwardly fitting golf hats.

Jeremy, when you yourself wrote, "I don't really have a use for it," you kind of answered your own question, or at least we thought you did.  Sadly, judging from your comments section, some people actually do have a use for this hat or just have a desperate need to be right about something.

Anyway, here are some other contest ideas likely left on the cutting room floor by Cothran:

• Answer three trivia questions and hold your own shitty contest
• Answer three trivia questions and let someone shit on your head
• Answer three trivia questions and sit under a mango tree
• Answer three trivia questions and plunk yourself with a MadBall
• Answer three trivia questions and skip around your computer in a circle for three hours
• Answer three trivia questions and sing "Meet the Mets" until someone punches you in the mouth
• Answer three trivia questions, wear your new hat and instantly never get laid

****

A Hernia pound to the chest and dramatic point to the sky goes to devoted reader M.B. for sending this in.

It's currently Friday! This is what sports figures are currently doing...

Big Ben currently wondering if, much like when Cleveland's Cuyahoga River caught fire, the toxic crap in his hair will finally ignite...

Bulls coach Jim Boylan currently adding Drew Gooden amendment to already long winded hair policy...

Carl Pavano currently wasting perfectly good oxygen somewhere...

Hank Steinbrenner currently addressing reporters through haze of smoke...

Currently hoping for someone in spring training to charge the pitching machine...

Manny Ramirez currently texting Ruben Sierra new Salsa ringtone...

Gary Sheffield currently 'dishin straight' on someone...

Yankees camp currently dead after Girardi sponsored bare knuckle boxing cardio...

Mark Prior currently using pitching arm as Wïï controller...