Dozens of 40-something male reporters gathered on Capital Hill today to defend Kelly Tilghman for her recent remarks during Friday's PGA golf telecast that the young players should "lynch Tiger Woods in a back alley."
"Let's not rush to judgment on this young, sweet, vivacious woman," said Mitch Albom, who was inexplicably wearing a Detroit Lions football helmet. "I refuse to believe anything malicious could come out of such pouty, supple lips."
"Weren't we all young once? Our tight, tout bodies brimming with ideas," said Albom, minutes before fainting, "and then one day we said something we didn't mean? I plead with you, give this fine piece of punani another chance, PLEASE!"
Mike Lupica, aided by a stool to reach the podium mic, echoed Albom's words.
"Kelly Tilghman, wow, just wow," he said as local squirrels began to converge behind the marsupial reporter. "We have Roger Clemens gallivanting around Texas and people want to talk about Kelly Tilghman? Let me tell you something about Kelly Tilghman. Actually, I don't know anything about Kelly Tilghman but what I do know, ladies and gentlemen, is that I would climb those legs like a skilled Koala. Let this mesmerizing seductress, er golf reporter move on with her life. Now there is a chance that I will later call her overrated and overvalued, like I do with other hotties like Jeter, but for now she is a goddess."
The Ghost of Jimmy the Greek was spotted several times throughout the press conference shrugging his shoulders and repeatedly saying, "lynch? lynch?"
UPDATE: Even Google trends has gotten in on the act, proclaiming Tilghman is so hot she's "on fire":