With CBS, NBC, NFL Net, A&E, TBS, SpikeTV and Starz all getting the green light to broadcast the highly anticipated Giants-Patriots slurpfest, we decided to spoil the fun a take a look ahead into the announcing orgy set to take place this Saturday night.
8:12pm - NFL Net's Jamie Dukes gets excited about something.
8:15pm - Moments before kickoff, Esiason breaks into New York's WWOR 9 local broadcast screaming "watch on CBS!" while occasionally trashing Sam Wyche and pointing to his johnson.
8:19pm - A chilly Joe Thiesmann is spotted in the last row of the upper tier doing an obscure gig for the PBS Sports channel.
8:20pm - CBS cameras pan to Don Shula enjoying first quarter action in one of the luxury boxes while the rest of the '72 Dolphins sit comfortably in his gut.
8:35pm - Jimmy the Greek and Howard Cosell are seen heatedly debating their anatomy on a broadcast for HellTV.
8:41pm - Outdoor Life Network broadcasts Junior Seau entering the field riding a surf board atop a wave of hair gel.
8:59pm - Phil Simms temporarily short circuits the NBC booth with his industrial strength blow dryer. A deft Jim Nantz quickly relates this to the time Billy Packer's gas caused a double forfeit.
9:03pm - NFL Network airs commercial touting the academic credentials of "Rand U."
9:18pm - Joe Buck and Troy Aikman, disguised in Dumb and Dumber tuxes, take out Bryant Gumbel with their canes while Cris Collinsworth simply rotates his microphone a quarter turn so the Fox emblem now faces the camera.
9:31pm - NBC cameras catch Jersey native Tony Siragusa eating his way to the fifth row.
9:32pm - CBS cameras catch Jersey native Tony Siragusa eating his way to the first row.
9:34pm - Game postponed due to Jersey native Tony Siragusa eating Giants.
9:47pm - Lifetime Network airs a montage of NFL wives being beaten and runs it as its latest Lifetime Original movie.
10:00pm - A surprisingly emotional Bill Belichick dumps Gatorade cooler on his players.
10:01pm - Bob Costas flies into each broadcast booth on his Quidditch broomstick. Shortly after, his attempt at humor once again comes off as slightly angry and highly uncomfortable.
10:06pm - Roger Goodell, seated at the 50-yard line next to Dave Checketts and Powder, gives a wave to the mustache-laden crowd.
10:11pm - Martha Stewart appears at the 30-yard line for HGTV and bakes the shit out of an Angel Food Cake.
10:17pm - A quick switch to New England's WTVH 5 local broadcast offers up three different "Yankees Suck" chants in a span of eleven minutes.
10:26pm - After a camera pans to a close-up of Tom Brady's eyes, members of the '72 Miami Dolphins begin to disintegrate one-by-one in their skybox.
10:31pm - BRAVO announces new reality series Project NFL Brainwashing.
11:38pm - During his post game press conference, Tom Brady does his reliable "Joe Six Pack" routine while wearing three supermodels as a jacket.
12:00am - NFL secret pact with the universe is complete. It now rules everything.