Since our preseason Fantasy Football Tips were so sound, concise, and helpful, and since it's basically time for that playoff push before millions of geek-hearts are virtually shattered, I think everyone is due for a few fantasy pointers. Here are 13 tips for Week 13.
1. If your debating on whether to start David Carr or Vinny Testaverde, kill yourself.
2. If you're not doing the above, but are in a similar predicament with Kellen Clemens and J.P. Losman, go in for a sex change.
3. For a more predictable result of who will get the majority of carries for the Denver Broncos, try kidnapping Mike Shanahan's children.
4. If you had just picked up Ricky Williams it was probably right after you dropped Priest Holmes, so you're clearly desperate and out of ideas, just go to the bar and get it over with.
5. Focus on one league this week instead of the nine you joined, three of which are with people you don't even know, you outrageous loser.
6. If you've been making terrible roster decisions all season, change it up a bit, try cleaning the pipes before you set your lineup instead of during.
7. Keep starting Reggie Bush, I'm sure it will happen eventually.
8. If you're still impressed with yourself after that Alex Smith or Matt Leinart "steal," it may be time to start wearing a helmet, permanently.
9. Stop doing the Eli shoulder shrug after each time you start him, just bench him this week for good you pussy.
10. If you're wondering why no one is responding to your valid trade offers, try changing your team logo from that camera phone pic of your wang to something slightly more safe for work, like a Bob Ley nip-slip.
11. Trade for Robbie Gould, NOW. Seeing his ridiculous picture on a regular basis will help your mojo.
12. While it's pretty cool that Chad Pennington lives in your basement and you guys make forts and play video games all night and stuff, it's probably time to take him out of your starting line-up.
13. Get your head out of your ass.