The SportsHernia mole was recently sent out on a quick tour of every single sports stadium in the country to find some of the more interesting food items sold at sporting events. Here's a look at the dishes that left a lasting impression:
New Jersey Nets (Continental Airlines Arena) - Authentic Swampdragon: This tasty treat is actually unidentified swamp meat commonly found in the Meadowlands. Arena staffers collect the meat in the morning and marinate it for hours in local bum sweat, finally topping it off with real bits of asphalt from the New Jersey Turnpike.
Kansas City Royals (Kauffman Stadium ) - Peyote French Fries and Red Bull-Acid Cocktails are the featured items in this ballpark. Nothing like the illusion of a packed, rabid stadium (along with the occasional hallucination of a naked Indian man waving you over a sand dune) to make a Royals game more exciting.
New York Giants/Jets (Giants Stadium) - The "Jumbo" Hot Dog: Named after longtime NY Giant and Jets offensive lineman, Jumbo Elliot, these scrumptious 46-oz. dogs are first peed on by the big fella himself before being sprinkled with actual Jumbo Elliot backhair.
San Francisco Giants (Some Phone Company Stadium) - Cream and Clear Garlic Fries: Similar to San Fran's traditional garlic fries, except these are doused in Barry Bonds favorite, the Clear and the Cream. Unfortunately "the Cream" is not a steroid.
Atlanta Hawks (Buckhead High Gymnasium) - Rice Krispy Treats and Double Chocolate Brownies: Buckhead High seniors are trying to raise money for their senior prom with these delicious home-made treats in the new home of the Atlanta Hawks.
Arizona Cardinals (University of Phoenix Online Stadium) - Do It Yourself Eggs: Instead of describing exactly how you want your eggs cooked, Cardinals fans are just given 3 eggs to cook however they want on their chest and stomach in the glorious 130-degree Arizona heat.
Columbus Blue Jackets (Fuck if I Know Arena) - Cyanide Burgers: The perfect treat for anyone who just realized they paid $60 to sit through a Blue Jackets game. Extremely popular when the Phoenix Coyotes or Florida Panthers are in town.
Tampa Bay Devil Rays (Tropicana Field or some shit) - Stool Softening Cotton Candy & Metamucil on a Stick: Wildly popular in all Florida stadiums. From the same marketing gurus who brought Crystal-Meth Chicken Fingers to the Las Vegas Outlaws of the XFL.