(BOSTON, MA) -- Reports out of Boston claim that Danny Ainge is on the verge of firing himself after his trusted team "brain doctor", used for evaluating players, finally did a test on Ainge himself, revealing he has the same brain type as Captain Louis Albano.
The notorious brain doctor, Jonathan P. Niednagel (seen here creeping you out), is famous for helping savvy talent evaluators like GM Kevin McHale and is highly respected in the world of sports, drawing profound, unique reviews from various sports figures.
After checking out the testimonial page on his website we thought it would be helpful to add on to their comments, and in some cases even revise them completely:
Danny Ainge: "Jon's principles for selecting, developing and motivating players are the best. Perhaps I should try using them."
June Jones: "It wouldn't be right to take full credit for being a fucking idiot without thanking the brain doctor. Why else would I draft Ryan Leaf?"
John Gabriel: "To stay competitive in the NBA it's important that you can make the right decisions about players. That's why we let Shaq go to L.A. and win 3 titles."
Sammy Sosa: "Jon great. He say hit call, so I hit ball."
Kevin McHale: "Without the brain doctor I wouldn't have made all those draft day steals like Paul Grant, Rasha Nesterovic, William Avery, Ndudi Ebi and Rashad McCants. All in the first round!!!"
Sean Casey: "One time he made my brain put a dress on and he started dancing with it. Weird guy, but the next night I hit two home runs."
Randy Myers: "The brain doctor helped me remain a very average player with little to no impact on the teams I played with."
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Testimonials almost certain to be added to the creepy Niednagel's page:
Isiah Thomas: "At first, Jonathan had a difficult time getting a
measure on my brain type. He was later able to do so after we discovered
that my head was actually up my ass."
Jason Giambi: "Jonathan taught me that steroids don't actually do anything, so it's ok to take them."
David Blaine: "Jonathan helped me land that bizarre gig to promote the NBA Finals."
Manny Ramirez: "I like Jonathan's car."
Mutombo: "Jonathan let me eat cookie."
Chris Kaman: "I fucking hate Jonathan."
Ahmad Rashad: "The brain doctor taught me how to get to the core of a human and ask hard hitting questions, like 'Do you guys like stuff?'... Dats 'ma maaaain man!"
(HOLLYWOOD, CA) -- Kobe Bryant continued to raise eyebrows today after demanding another trade to the team from the epic movie Space Jam (preferably the Monstars). The incredibly secure super-star simultaneously dropped the bombshell via underground mix-tape, blog, podcast, airplane smoke writer, radio interview, web chat and megaphone (on Hollywood Boulevard) around 3:30pm today.
