The Sports Hernia Blog

Report: Clemens looked at championship photo from '99 this morning

Also rumored to have taken place this morning at Camp Clemens and guaranteed to be shown on the YES Network:

- successful morning dump with detailed commentary by Michael Kay
- enjoyable 3-minute shower piss (audio only)
- mixed his Cheerio's with Fruity Pebbles he stole from son Kody
- double checked to see how many more strikeouts he has than Randy Johnson
- leg pressed two Hummer H2 toy trucks
- began plans for dugout dance following Trenton AA League victory, should it ever happen
- in customary morning tradition, went to atm machine to withdraw $10 just to see his checking balance of $50 million

To find out just a little bit more on Clemens, you can go here at your own risk:

Greg Oden's father shows concern after Portland wins Draft lottery

Varitek just making sure everyone knows he is Captain

NBA players: What are they doing now?

Do you ever wonder what NBA players do once they're bounced from the playoffs?  Most of these guys don't exactly strike us as the house chore type nor do they strike us as the 'stay at home, drink Capri Sun on my deck and think about next season' type either.  Well after bribing multiple vulnerable insiders with glaring weaknesses, we were able to get the juice on some of the bigger names in the NBA who were recently bounced from the playoffs to varying degrees of disappointment and self-pity. Below are a few of the most interesting sightings since the 1st round eliminations.

- Yao doing yoga with Tom Brady and Gisele

- Iverson holding highly exclusive dance party inside XXXXXXXXXL t-shirt

- McGrady playing an inspired Game 7 against Utah on Playstation

- Scott Skiles and Larry Frank watching Mystic Pizza in Sam Mitchell's basement

- Reggie Evans getting hit in the balls with morning newspaper

- Steve Nash licking his fingers, tucking hair behind ears

- Chris Kaman working out in Mordor Bally's

- 'Melo filming highly anticipated Barbershop Too

- Kobe contemplating passing

- Radmanovic giving hair direction to Jonathan Antin

- Dirk sitting silently watching clock tick

- Avery Johnson annunciating everything

- Dwayne Wade and Barkley actually arguing over who's in their 5

- Shaq laughing in line at the bank

- Brendan Haywood and Etan Thomas having text message battle

- Qyntel Woods apparently renting a house owned by Michael Vick

- Stephen Jackson still looking for that person who beefed

- Steve Nash licking fingers, tucking hair behind ears

- D'Antoni talking to 'friends' in Italy about David Stern

- Jason Kidd and Michael Strahan dining with Lionel Hutz

- Nocioni dominating various suburban Fight Clubs

- Van Gundy putting self through personal hell by sitting next to Mike Breen

- Gilbert Arenas challenging every trainer in his rehab stint

- Baron Davis talking with NASA to help him remove beard

- Luke Walton pretending to listen to his dad on annual Walton Family Teepee Week

- Various players in World Duck Hunt finals (too many to list)

- Mark Cuban discussing his "pale Sam the Eagle" look with apprentice Austin Croshere

It's time to play spot the drunk guy at Shea

See if you can find the drunk guy at Shea in this developing picture sequence.

Hint: he looks kind of pissed and his chant was an alt. version of "Lets Go Mets".

   

Van Gundy not taking the firing too well

The little spark plug was only able to muster up the strength to pedal his Civic to San Antonio and do the Spurs-Suns game on ESPN.

Aside from the awkward way Breen excitedly introduced him as the fired head coach of the Houston Rockets, the image here of Jon Barry channeling a bizarre version of Great Tiger from Mike Tyson's Punchout, along with Mike Breen's impersonation of Dennis the Menace's cartoon father, almost makes us forget what this post is even about.

Van Gundy (center cue ball) seen here wearing baggy goggles

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Interleague 'grudge match' weekend preview

With Interleague play starting this weekend, the Sports Hernia takes an in-depth look at some of the insanely intense and interesting rivalries that have heated up over the past few years...

Royals vs. Rockies
Aside from Gil Meche and Jeff Francis, does anyone know anyone on these pitching staffs? Does anyone know anyone in the starting line-ups? Does anyone know which team's bus is the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile? Does anyone care? No need to worry, the Rockies and Royals face off on the moon tonight, first team to 100 wins.

Phillies vs. Blue Jays
The Phils and Jays lock horns in the friendly city of brotherly love to relive those fond memories of the 1993 World Series. The fan engaging festivities kick off tonight with Mitch Williams being buried alive in the pitchers mound, followed by  a steel cage battle royal between Vince Papale, Jim Fregosi, Jim Lynam and notorious Philly heel, Harold Katz. This undoubtedly has to be the series of the weekend, the 14 hour drive between cities can't cool this contest, on second thought, don't these towns have hockey teams that can play each other instead?

Pirates vs. Diamondbacks
Another interleague grudge match that has the potential to.... oh, wait, this isn't even interleague play, this is just two shitty, irrelevant NL teams that were forced to play each other because they ran out of AL teams. Great. Look for the Pirates to steal some national attention by playing naked every other inning.

Marlins vs. Devil Rays
First person that sends us a snapshot showing that this game was actually televised gets a $5 gift certificate to SuperCuts.

Orioles vs. Nationals
No better way to start your bitter crosstown rivalry than with a Steve Trachsel - Jason Simontacchi pitching duel for the ages. Expect a rare truce for the weekend between Omar Little and Marlo Stanfield as they will both be rocking the orange and black gear.

Astros vs. Rangers
Gotta sympathize with Astros fans here as they will not get a chance to see pitching sensation Vincente Padilla and his remarkably awful disposition. 

SportsCenter anchors go 30 seconds without making horrible joke; Execs panic, bring in Jim Breuer

(BRISTOL, CT) -- Viewers across the nation were stunned yesterday after both SportsCenter anchors doing the 11p.m. show went an entire 30 seconds without making a horrible joke or doing a shitty impression, the longest such drought since a 1988 broadcast that was hosted by wild man Bob Ley and Robin Roberts.  ESPN big wigs watching at home and behind the cameras quickly shat their Dockers when they realized what had just happened and immediately called an emergency meeting as producers quickly cut to a rapid-fire loop of non-stop Stuart Scott "Boo-yas!!".

Fearing they would lose the crucial "9 to 17 year old/ A.D.D./ SlimJim/ scrotum waxing/moron" market segment if more hi-lights accompanied by relevant statistics were actually shown, execs were left scrambling for something to stop the bleeding.  After initially discussing an idea involving a simultaneous split-screen that would show a man getting kicked in the nuts  repetitively throughout the entire show, they finally agreed on just bringing in a new, edgier anchor.  While names like Carrot Top, Dane Cook, Carlos Mencia and 'that sound effects dude from Police Academy' were bandied about, in the end they settled on former SNL journeyman-spazz Jim Breuer. Clearly excited for his first show, Breuer made himself at home, dressing in his legendary "GoatBoy" costume and sporadically trying to suck on Linda Cohen's nipples between NBA playoff hi-lights. 

Sources would not confirm if ESPN had indeed contacted Jim Carrey about a possible guest spot where he would host the entire show doing his talking anus routine.

Mysterious DeSalvo comes up short against White Sox

The Yankees latest faceless wonder, Matt DeSalvo went an inspired 3 1/3 innings today in Chicago. Despite the crappy outing and having no face, DeSalvo has still been one of their best starters over the past week.

Even more interesting, according to FoxSports.com, he makes a yearly salary of '$NaN'.

Another desperate passenger bails on Doug Collins

(SALT LAKE CITY, UT) -- A giddy Doug Collins, known by many frequent flyers as Ted Striker, claimed yet another victim early this morning on his red-eye flight from Salt Lake City following Utah's series clinching victory over the Warriors. The rambling, air-time hogging ass kisser was so pepped up after the game that he was stopped by airport medical staff, who thought he was having a seizure. Once the confusion was cleared up, Collins happily boarded the plane where things got ugly.

Midway through the flight, Ronda Gullen, who was sitting next to Collins, was found dead after presumably trying to stuff herself into the overhead compartment to get away from Collins' inane babbling.

"He kept saying 'little' and 'special'. Everything was little and special," said flight attendant Monroe Darlington.  "He was infatuated with the liquor bottles too.  He kept saying 'can I have one of those little vodka bottles?  Those little bottles are so special because they give you just the right amount of alcohol.' Over and over and over, I mean, just shut up for five minutes, it's not too much to ask.  And every time I walked by he was talking about how little and special Dee Brown and Derek Fisher are. I swear, if I was sitting next to him, I'd be hanging from the ceiling too.  That poor woman."

After the deceased Gullen was removed, Collins continued his antics, going through multiple bags of peanuts without once taking a breath from speaking. The final straw came when he repeatedly kept asking for a set of  "little Delta wings" for his "little son Chrissy", forcing attendants to move him to the luggage stowaway for the remainder of the flight.

A Delta spokeswoman said even before Gullen met her untimely death, a "surprisingly high" number of vomit bags were used for a flight that experienced no turbulence.