(SALT LAKE CITY, UT) -- A giddy Doug Collins, known by many frequent flyers as Ted Striker, claimed yet another victim early this morning on his red-eye flight from Salt Lake City following Utah's series clinching victory over the Warriors. The rambling, air-time hogging ass kisser was so pepped up after the game that he was stopped by airport medical staff, who thought he was having a seizure. Once the confusion was cleared up, Collins happily boarded the plane where things got ugly.
Midway through the flight, Ronda Gullen, who was sitting next to Collins, was found dead after presumably trying to stuff herself into the overhead compartment to get away from Collins' inane babbling.
"He kept saying 'little' and 'special'. Everything was little and special," said flight attendant Monroe Darlington. "He was infatuated with the liquor bottles too. He kept saying 'can I have one of those little vodka bottles? Those little bottles are so special because they give you just the right amount of alcohol.' Over and over and over, I mean, just shut up for five minutes, it's not too much to ask. And every time I walked by he was talking about how little and special Dee Brown and Derek Fisher are. I swear, if I was sitting next to him, I'd be hanging from the ceiling too. That poor woman."
After the deceased Gullen was removed, Collins continued his antics, going through multiple bags of peanuts without once taking a breath from speaking. The final straw came when he repeatedly kept asking for a set of "little Delta wings" for his "little son Chrissy", forcing attendants to move him to the luggage stowaway for the remainder of the flight.
A Delta spokeswoman said even before Gullen met her untimely death, a "surprisingly high" number of vomit bags were used for a flight that experienced no turbulence.