The Hernia genie took a look into it's crystal ball this past week, albeit after several Vodka-combovers, and came away with an amazing timeline of subplots and storylines we can expect throughout the 2007 baseball season. Just hours away from the first pitch, it's the Hernia's MLB 2007 Future Timeline:
April 5: 2006 Home Run Derby ends
April 12: Barry Bonds arms become first body part to reach McCovey Cove after flying off in mid-swing
May 15: Kansas City Royals officially eliminated from postseason play
May 20: Sammy Sosa sprints to right field carrying a BALCO flag
May 30: Ken Griffey Jr., amid leaping warning track catch, becomes first player to lose his head over the wall
May 31: Tampa Bay Devil Rays introduce "Dressdown Gameday" featuring players in their off-season weekend attire
June 2: Something bizarre and/or horrible will happen to a player from Venezuela
June 21: Justin Morneau wears a new uniform that says on the back, "Remember me, I was the MVP last year"
June 23: David Ortiz's signature "spit & clap" partially blinds ump with barbaric loogie spray
June 29: Albert Pujols points to the sky after he laces up his cleats
July 1: New Cubs CF Alfonso Soriano gets tangled in the Ivy; Proceeds to smoke his way out
July 10: Royals introduce the Reggie Sanders 'mow the lawn while playing centerfield' promotion
July 12: A-Rod's bat files sexual assault charges against him
July 18: Bobby Jenks becomes first pitcher to literally throw a meatball which Frank Thomas happily catches in his mouth. The crowd erupts
July 26: Eric Chavez stripped of captaincy after arriving at A’s clubhouse without any facial hair
September 5: Pedro Martinez finally meets Karim Garcia at Queens Salsa club
September 8: Pat Burrell becomes first Phillie to successfully catch ball and multiple batteries at same time
October 9th: FOX producers replace Joe Buck's voice with an array of annoying police sirens, World Series ratings increase 65%
For more on the 2007 baseball season, click here and here.
