(CHICAGO, IL) -- With less than a week until opening day the Cubs got a shocking, unfamiliar piece of news: Kerry Wood will be placed on the DL. With this report, on top of Mark Prior already being sent to the morgue, er minors, Hernia reporters scrambled to dig up some other shocking headlines making waves as teams prepare for the season. This is what they came up with:
- Curt Schilling adores the sound of his own voice.
- Joe Morgan still thinks Billy Beane wrote Moneyball.
- The Minnesota Twins didn't get contracted.
- Pedro Martinez left the midget and coconut tree behind to start rehab on latest injury.
- Pete Rose bets on the sun rising.
- Ozzie Guillen hates fags
- And Air is still free!