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As we head into Final Four weekend, here's a frightening look at some of the stars, coaches, and their look-alikes from this year's tournament.
Joakim Noah and some hoops chick with a medal
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The Thing, Greg Oden, and Treebeard
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Lee Humphrey and Alfred E. Neuman
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Crazy Marquette coach Tom Crean and Dwight Schrute
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Dorchester, MA - When interviewed for his thoughts on NY Yankee Executive Steve Swindal's recent problems, Naval veteran Nibsy 'Iron Head' O'Malley (and proud Red Sox fan) of Dorchester, Massachusetts has a message for the shamed NY Yankee Exec: keep your head up.
O’Malley was back at his old watering hole, The Blarney Stone after a self imposed absence since St. Patrick's Day (he blames a 'sour' stomach from corned beef and cabbage but bartender Finbar Kelly says the truth may have been a group of ‘twenty- somethings’ from Wellesley who ruined his day by taunting him to sing ‘When Irish Eyes are Smiling’). To get the message out, O'Malley called upon a 12 year old barback and stuffed a cocktail napkin with the straightforward message into his front pocket with specific instructions, "Bust yah' fahckin' arse to the post office and get this in the US mail." When asked by a young hipster patron, "Why don't you just e-mail it, O'Malley?" O'Malley replied curtly not looking up from his drink, "Watch yah' mouth smaht ass, everyone knows that E-mail is for fruits an' queers."
“Listen, it kills me to present an 'ahlive branch to anyone involved with the Yankees," said the husky force from Dorchester. "But this guy Swindal shouldn’t let a little DUI get in his way. It never stawped me or any of thah' Kennedy’s – they nevah' hurt nobody.”
When informed that Swindal had recently been served divorce papers, Nibsy knocked back the rest of his Jamison and water and said, “Ol’ Iron Head here.. I'm on my 3rd battle-axe. Who freagin' cares? Nawt me.”
More fun with Nibsy 'Iron Head' O'Malley
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Ewing Sr. seen here shortly before his infamous sweat nearly flooded the entire arena, causing a 45-minute delay during the 1984 Championship game against Houston.
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(CHICAGO, IL) -- With less than a week until opening day the Cubs got a shocking, unfamiliar piece of news: Kerry Wood will be placed on the DL. With this report, on top of Mark Prior already being sent to the morgue, er minors, Hernia reporters scrambled to dig up some other shocking headlines making waves as teams prepare for the season. This is what they came up with:
- Curt Schilling adores the sound of his own voice.
- Joe Morgan still thinks Billy Beane wrote Moneyball.
- The Minnesota Twins didn't get contracted.
- Pedro Martinez left the midget and coconut tree behind to start rehab on latest injury.
- Pete Rose bets on the sun rising.
- Ozzie Guillen hates fags
- And Air is still free!
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The controversial MLB Preview issue of the Sports Hernia is UP on the MAIN PAGE. Inside you will find:
- Full ridiculous previews of both the AL and NL
- From the Hernia's Timeline series: The MLB 2007 Future Timeline
- The latest debacle in Bristol, CT: Lee Corso Challenges Digger Phelps to Pencil/ Hi-lighter Duel
- And the latest legend of the game to pound down the doors of the Hernia Hall of Fame: The Induction of Keith Hernandez's mustache
Enjoy...
Sr. Editor & Chief Co-Editor of the Sr. Griffey Jr.,
Arthur SippenWoof
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In regard to a wonderful article today by Jemele Hill on Kobe and MJ (which was first touched on by YAYsports!) we felt the need to highlight a few points that Jemele tossed out to readers, as well as add our own.
Like this part (referring to Kobe):
"Hasn't had a bigger economic impact. Hasn't won more MVPs. Hasn't won more titles."
-- This part is spot on. Couldn't agree more. But we can only assume here that this esteemed writer from ESPN.com simply forgot a few important nuggets. Like these:
And this part:
"His killer instinct is just as pronounced. And just like Jordan, the more he's pissed off, the more unstoppable he is."
-- Precisely! This gem, which like the rest of the article is backed up with zero facts, would explain the killer instinct Kobe displayed so well last year when his Lakers had their backs against the wall. Oh, wait.
And this part:
"He was just as poor a teammate and a ball hog and that he ran off coach Doug Collins like Kobe ran off Phil Jackson the first time."
-- Bad teammate - you said it. Jordan rarely turned a corpse into a contributor. Oh, and Doug Collins. He's the guy who later emerged as a fantastic coach. The architect behind those dominant Pistons & Wizards dynasties. We can easily see how Doug Collins being run out of town would be compared to Phil Jackson being run out of town.
And lastly, our favorite part:
"The NBA is tougher now."
-- Ok, f*ck it. Our readers get the point. Jemele, you've almost left us speechless with this beauty. Almost. While Kobe was unsuccessful, with Shaq in tow, in stopping the Chauncey Billups-led Pistons, that MJ hack was stuffing chumps like Stockton and Malone, Barkley, Ewing, Drexler, Payton, and countless others back into their collective coffins.
There is an entire roster of Hall of Famers who do not have championship rings because that no-talent boob Jordan got lucky a half-dozen years.
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The following is from Yahoo news (incredibly shocking comments in bold and additional Hernia notes at the end):
French basketball star Tony Parker released his debut hip-hop album on Monday, glorifying his lavish lifestyle in French.
Parker, 24, is a household name in France as one of the country's highest-earning sportsmen and its biggest basketball star, but the softly spoken San Antonio Spurs guard has kept his music skills firmly under wraps until now.
The album, "Tony Parker," features the captain of France's national team on vocals against a backdrop of hip-hop and dancefloor beats.
The first release off the album, Balance-toi (throw yourself around) includes the lyrics: "What, you want to dance? No, it's not worth it. Me, I'll stay on the sofa enjoying the vibe by raising my arms."
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Despite the flurry of understandable excitement surrounding the release of "Tony Parker," the true buzz on the street has been over the hidden tracks rumored to be on the album. They pretty much run the gamut and they include the following:
Mutombo's "It's Raining Cookies," Jeff Van Gundy's "Backseat of my Civic," Don Nelson's "Boozin' & Bitches," Greg Ostertag's "My Humps," Lawrence Frank's cover of "Ridin' Dirty," Mark Cuban's "Frankenstein Flow-bee," Carlos Boozer's "Straight Outta Anchorage," Olden Polynice's "F*ck the (actual) Police," A.C. Green's storied version of "Me So Horny," Terry Stotts' "Who Am I?", "That's Just my Baby Daddy" by every NBA groupie recorded live in Oakland Coliseum, an uncensored version of "Deez Nuts" by Scott Skiles, and "Ain't nuthin but a Z thang" by Zydrunas Ilgauskas and Zendon Hamilton.
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Tricky Math: 6 touchdowns + 6 interceptions x 0 NFL wins = 6 years, $48 million
Houston, TX - After signing a six-year, $48 million deal with the Houston Texans, QB Matt Schaub took out a record-setting life insurance policy. The Texans presented the third year winless backup with $7 million in guaranteed money, along with titanium body armor, but Schaub still wisely penned his own deal with State Farm.
Immediately after Schaub signed his name on the Texans’ contract, a black eye suddenly appeared on his face and he began to complain about internal pain. Meanwhile, David Carr, the former Texans QB who was released from the team Friday, was seen doing cartwheels and yelling “wheee!” in a local park.
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"What are they looking at?" said the apparently blind Kasten. " I don't get that at all."
- It's a bit complicated Stanley, but we'll try and explain. We're looking at your crappy team's roster, dipshit. You have Dmitri Young and Travis Lee "battling" for a spot in the starting line-up, your staff "ace" John Patterson pitched 40 innings last year, some guy named Matt Chico just won a spot in the rotation, and your starting centerfielder's name is Nook Logan. These are all considered problems.
<-----Nook Logan
h_________
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