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John Clayton and Beaker
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Stephen A. Smith and Droopy Dog
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Mark Cuban/Frankenstein/Austin Croshere
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James Dolan and Ewok
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Mike Golic and Fozzy Bear
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Jeff Van Gundy and Dark Helmet
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Gregg Popovich and Unknown Anteater
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Dontrelle Willis and The Cheshire Cat
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Jerry Colangelo and Skeksis
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Chris Berman and Jabba the Hut
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Tony Siragusa and Pizza the Hut
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..we'll miss your playoff ingenuity and especially your obscenely large eyeglasses.
Editor's note: What's unfortunate here is we were unable to find a picture of Marty's short-lived "windshield wiper" glasses that were unceremoniously banned from the sidelines after washer fluid blinded a ref in one eye.
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Following their 26th fight of the year in practice on Friday, Etan Thomas and Brendan Haywood continued to blaze their historic path to the top of the NBA's "crappiest center battles of all-time" list. While specializing mostly in sucking on the court, these two scholars of the game have developed an amusing "Glass Joe vs. himself" type of rivalry off the court that we can assure you will continue the rest of the season.
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With the NBA All-Star Weekend struggling to capture the luster it once had (when the NBA’s star players actually gave a crap), David Stern has announced several new competitions to spice things up and more reflect today’s NBA game (the scintillating shooting competition with WNBA players will obviously stay):
6pm – 8pm: NBA Wives vs. Mistresses Game*
The stage is set for a heated battle between NBA players' wives and their mistresses. Game is to be played in high-heels, with guest referee Jackie Christie calling the action.
Early Favorites: The fat chicks players married in college
* Note: Only mistresses in Las Vegas area are eligible to play.
8pm - TBD: Dribbling Endurance Competition
Two players stand face to face at the top of the key and dribble relentlessly. The winner is determined when one man gives up or crowd is bored to death.
Early favorites: Steve Francis, Baron Davis, LeBron James, Lil’ Bow Wow
8pm – 8:30pm: Audience Ice Cup Toss
Ron Artest lays down in the middle of the court. First audience member to hit him in the face with a cup of ice can have Artest punch the guy next to him.
Early Favorite: Nerdy white businessman in row 15
8:30pm – 9pm: Stephen Jackson vs the Crowd
Stephen Jackson is released into the crowd via parachute from the roof. If the audience can keep him from reaching center court for 10 minutes, everyone wins a chalupa.
Early Favorite: Stephen Jackson
9pm - 10pm: The Audience Charge
Two players try to draw as many charges as they can in a 2-minute span from unsuspecting audience members walking around the arena. Referees and cameras will be placed everywhere to capture the action. Bonus points for drawing a charge on someone carrying mass amounts of food or someone in a bathroom.
Early Favorites: Manu Ginobili, Shane Battier, Jeff Van Gundy
10pm – 11pm: 3-Point “Shootout”*
Similar to the traditional 3-Point contest from years past, this updated version will also have one player on each bench with a .45 and an unlimited supply of ammo as they try to shoot the balls out of mid-air. The player to shoot down the most balls wins an armored Hummer complete with dead driver and luxury blood-stained seats.*
Early Favorites: Sebastian Telfair, Dale Davis, Stephen Jackson, Lawrence Frank, any member of AI's posse.
* Note: Event to be supervised by Police Officer Olden Polynice.
11pm - 11:01pm: Where's Craig Sager?
The only carry-over from last year. Two lucky audience members are picked to stand at mid-court, first one to spot Craig Sager in the crowd wins a game-worn Sager neon green sequence suit. (Contestants will try to best 2006 winner Rob Gaines record 0.5 seconds.)
11:02pm – 12am: Legends vs. Current Stars Chicken Fights
Heated chicken fights with past and present superstars. Teams include:
-Manute Bol with Muggsey Bogues on shoulders
-Gheorghe Murehsan with Michael Adams on shoulders
-Shaq with Earl Boykins on shoulders
-Yao with Nate Robinson on shoulders
Early Favorite: John Stockton with Mark Eaton on shoulders
12am – 2am (Sunday): Life on the Road Competition
Held via satellite from the Bunny Ranch, five NBA players compete to see how many illegitimate children they can father in a three day period.
Early Favorites: Jason Kidd, Jason Williams, Tyrus Thomas, and Zach Randolph. Shawn Kemp to officiate.
Huge Underdog: Dick Bavetta
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Italian soccer teams will play to empty stadiums
>Projected attendance still better than MLS
Report: Garrett Reid was on heroin at time of accident
>Report: Andy Reid was on wings at time of accident
Raiders add 2 more to coaching staff
>Hire Statler and Waldorf
UCLA selects architect to renovate Pauley
>Walton's 200ft. tee-pee design nixed
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with The Sports Hernia's new NBA sleuth, Sid Montague
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A-Rod has allergic reaction to new bronzer, explodes
A-Rod scoffs at reporter after being accused of using Jeter cologne on his balls
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The bizarre Paul Pierce saga continued today as the Celtics decided to send their star guard home due to a bothersome swollen elbow and an even more troubling shrinking head. After chants of "BeetlePierce! BeetlePierce!" broke out at a recent home game, coupled with Howard Stern fanatics harassing him for autographs and inquiring about other members of The Wack Pack, team officials finally decided enough was enough. While no medical conclusion has been drawn, it's certainly clear something is up with BeetlePierce and his rapidly shrinking head.
Also, according to an unidentified source within the Pacers organization, Anthony Johnson suffered the same unexplained "Beetlejuice" ailment last year forcing him to miss some time.
Going into tonight's game, the Celtics have gone on a heartfelt, emotionally inspired 2-20 streak since Pierce went out in December.
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Deep within the haze of Los Angeles and amidst the stars, a mystery lurks. A human riddle with no answer. A lost soul searching for a home. A tall guy....from Serbia. His name is Vladimir Radmanovic. The Lakers’ deep threat and hairy chameleon who is teetering on the edge of becoming the preeminent comedic force in the NBA, and simultaneously making a case for a future induction into the SportsHernia Hall of Fame. Let us look at the evolution of this hoops mystery man, as he emerged from the shadows of Europe and into Youtube.
The Male Figure Skater Phase
We start with what looks to be a picture from one of those ClassmateFinder ads. RadMan is a wide-eyed pup here, sporting that classic 1980's figure skater hair. But look beneath the surface and there is a hint of that kid you used to know in college that seemed normal enough, but then one night you come home and he's high on acid and peeing all over the girl's wing while singing a Doors song.
The Cobra Phase
"Hey, dirtbag...You're a lousy shot...I don't like lousy shots." I'm assuming they had to tear the aviator glasses off Rad's face to take this picture. A dramatic departure for Vladimir here. He is playing for keeps at this point with a beard that clearly states "I will crap down your throat to get to the NBA, get out of my way assface".
The Schoolboy Phase
RadMan makes it to the NBA and apparently gets neutered. He shaves the Cobra beard and starts getting his haircut from the guy who cut my hair in the mall from 4th to 7th grade.
The Dumb and Dumber Phase
Vladimir becomes the first NBA player to not get laid on a road trip since A.C. Green and Kurt Rambis shortly after acquiring the Dumb & Dumber look. Not his best moment.
The Wolfman Phase
The RadMan returns to the beard and proceeds to scare the crap out of NBA fans and players everywhere by literally looking like a werewolf.
????
Looking back, it was a desperate scream for help. But at the time, Radmanovic's white man braids rocked the sports and fashion worlds and put him on the comedic map for good. Sadly, the look was short-lived but it remains one of the most influential hairstyles ever, with an estimated 6 other people copying it across the world.
The Wham! Phase
Quite possibly the greatest photograph ever taken, the RadMan is shown here just moments after being told the locker room showers only had PertPlus to wash his hair with I presume. Clearly shaken, the courageous duo of Jerome James and Danny Fortson carry off the 6'10 Radmanovic and debate whether or not to eat him. (Sidenote: Have you ever seen those absurdly large NBA warmups in stores and wonder who actually wears them? Well, Danny Fotson does. That tag reads a mindboggling 4XL)
The Miami Drug Dealer Phase
Shortly after signing with the Lakers, Radmanovic's next metamorphasis was into Manny from Scarface.
The Dancing "Footloose" Caveman Phase (current)
Perhaps his masterpiece, Radmanovic has stunned us all with his breathtaking hairy caveman "Footloose" look.
Fortunately for us, the RadMan has outdone himself by adding dance moves to his new look.
BEHOLD....
Clearly a big improvement from his early dancing days...
Let us hope this is just the beginning...
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Tony Dungy truly breaking down the doors of unfortunate stereotypes after years of whispered scrutiny by the media and his sacred coaching fraternity. They said a bald man could never lead a team to a championship.
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