The Sports Hernia Blog

Morrison says screen test for Rocky V was 'false-positive'

 

Tommy Morrison announced Wednesday that, just like his HIV tests in 1996, the screen test for his role as Tommy "The Machine" Gunn in "Rocky V" was a "false-positive." 

The shocking news comes a day after it was announced that the former heavyweight champ would fight again for the first time in 11 years, after several HIV tests came up negative. 

Even more shocking was the news that Morrison is actually a former heavyweight champ.

No word yet on the test results from the trunks he wore at Wedensday's weigh-in (pictured above).

New York Mets to wear a different uniform for every game in 2007

(NEW YORK, NY) -- The New York Mets have vowed to become the first team ever to wear a different uniform for every game in the 2007 season, amassing what will be an astounding total of 162 different uniforms for the year. Amazingly, the Mets will only need to add 9 more uniforms to accomplish the feat.

"We gonna go for it" said a hopefully drunk Mets GM Omar Minaya, while sporting a mind-boggling poofy black Mets jacket with a gigantic royal blue New York skyline, neon orange baseballs, and 'NY's shooting over the shoulders. "We were so close last year, but this is the year we're gonna get it done."

The Mets, always seeking new ways to alienate their loyal fanbase, had just introduced yet another spring training uniform (a slight variation from the "traffic cone/Shasta" orange uniforms from last year) when Minaya and COO Jeff Wilpon got a call from trusted partner Horrible Design Inc. The team brainstormed for a few hours before coming up with the idea of taking a sport steeped in tradition and taking a dump on it by wearing 162 different uniforms.

In addition to their already disgusting black uniforms, the Mets will add teal and purple feathers to their home uniforms and add racing stripes, with what appear to be lightening bolts to their away uniforms. The front office is also appealing to MLB offices for approval on their personalized uniforms, which will have a giant portrait of the players face on the back.

The Mets will also kick it up a notch in the helmet department, going from the airbrushed color-fading Tour de France helmets to a new "Siren helmet" that will literally have a siren on top, which will automatically go off whenever a player crosses home plate.

Unfortunately, several fans approached in the Mets Clubhouse store with the news were unable to comment due to the throw-up in their mouths.

Celtic Pride?

Sad/Pathetic/Embarassing Department:
"but if you’re keeping score at home, the Celtics now have two dunk contest winners in the last 19 years - and zero championships."
Steve Bullpet
Boston Globe

We all knew Vegas would be different

Somewhere in the United States, Tim Hardaway is absolutely furious:  

"The Craig" before & after

Craig Sager, seen here in blinking black "Riddler" suit, thoroughly enjoying painful segment.

Craig Sager, still in blinking black "Riddler" suit, just seconds after Kenny Smith notified him his jacket caused a 25-minute power outage at the Rookies-Sophomores game.

All-Star Weekend Predictions

Our SportsHernia psychic predicts the future and gave us an amazingly accurate timeline of the upcoming NBA All-Star Weekend in Las Vegas.

Saturday

10:38 p.m. - A disgusted Dominique Wilkins challenges up and coming assbag Tyrus "Get paid and go home" Thomas to a dunk-off and proceeds to bring the house down by windmill dunking Nate Robinson.

11:01 p.m. – Dikembe Mutumbo shatters the back of an unsuspecting fan sitting in the first row with a thunderous slap, after a hilarious missed dunk by Dwight Howard sends the legendary center into a tizzy.

Sunday

7:02 p.m. - Gilbert "agent zero" Arenas decides his blindfold is not enough of a handicap for the All-Star game and shows up wearing a fake peg leg, two metal hooks for hands, and a parrot on his shoulder.

7:43 p.m. - During warm-ups, the players reveal their blinking-light sequence uniforms, complimented with numerous feathers. Amazingly, an improvement from previous years uniforms.

8:36 p.m. – An over zealous ass-kissing, chest-bumping, and hugging session between players before the opening tip leads to an impromptu orgy.

8:45 p.m. – Referee Dick Bavetta gets in the All-Star game spirit and throws the opening tip off the West backboard.

8:47 p.m. - Seated courtside, Oakley and MJ celebrate their winnings as the East does indeed score first.

8:50 p.m. - Special guest referee Jake O'Donnell ejects Clyde Drexler from the stands.

8:52 p.m. - Misreading the playfulness of the first quarter, first-year All Star Mehmet Okur yells to Kobe: "I'm open for three, n***a!"

8:59 p.m. – Despite David Stern’s ban, Tim Hardaway somehow nabs a courtside seat, nestled between Siegfried and Roy.

9:03 p.m. - David Stern officially destroys the term "Vegas, baby!" by awkwardly repeating it six times in a 30-second span during a 1st quarter interview with a jazzed Jim Grey.

9:21 p.m. – Longtime prankster Shaq checks into the game using Nets coach Larry Frank as his shorts.

9:29 p.m. – First completed alley-oop after 47 missed attempts.

9:32 p.m. – Game is delayed 10 minutes after a wild, ambitious behind the back pass from Kobe to himself ends up trapped in Wayne Newton's toxic waste of a hairdo.

9:43 p.m. - In attendance to watch the game, Detlef Schrempf inexplicably launches and connects on a 3-pointer from the 10th row.

10:30p.m. - The entire crowd leaves immediately after the score surpasses the 243 over/under mark 2 minutes into the 4th quarter.

10:32 p.m. - Carlos Boozer hides Tony Parker in his chest hair, completing the first-ever Hairball of Liberty play.

11:12 p.m. - Michael Jordan bets his legacy that LeBron James will miss the last shot.

12:03 a.m. - After gambling for 36 hours straight, Barkley, Rick Mahorn, and Bill Laimbeer eat the Golden Nugget.

Hardawaygate: More players sound off on NBA gayness

Hernia correspondent Sid Montague (right) sifts through the garbage for the most telling gayness quotes floating around the professional, comfy confines of the NBA:

LeBron: "With teammates you have to be trustworthy, and if you're gay and you're not admitting that you are, then you are not trustworthy." That said, I would like to inform the Cavs that I am 36 years old.

Tim 'give it to him the' Hardaway, sporting a rail thin  mustache and wearing a silk Miami Heat tank top at the time, said: "I hate gay people." Even though I have a slight lisp and my name sounds like that of a gay pornstar.

Freaky Jeff Foster: "I have no problem with gays.  They like me because I'm a transvestite."

A.C. Green: "Gays don't have sex with women, right?  They're cool in my book."

Shaft-lick Randolph: "As long as you don't bring your gayness on me, I'm fine." Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to get back to my fraternity at Duke and help the brothers set up this naked, light your sack on fire mudslide for the pledges to do.

Scot Pollard: "What's wrong with being gay? I painted my junk purple, black, and brick red this morning."

Christian Laettner and good buddy Brian Davis (in unison):  What does "coming out" mean?

Arenas vows to score 55 on Murphy because of 2002 dinner faux pas

Gilbert Arenas continued his calls for vengeance this week, saying he'd drop 55 on the Indiana Pacers next month because former teammate Troy Murphy didn't pass him the salt at a team dinner during their playing days at Golden State.

The cocky Agent Zero, clearly still distressed over the dining faux pas, discussed the 4-year-old incident on Tuesday night.

"It was 2002 and we were eating at TGI Friday's in San Antonio," Arenas said, just a few days after his promise to the Trailblazers didn't come through.

"I asked Troy to pass the pepper, which he did, but he failed to pass the salt as well.  Total disrespect.  I'm going off on him.  The whole organization.  Fuck it, the entire state of Indiana too."

Arenas then chartered a plane for Texas, where he joined a men's league for one game to exact revenge on Chris Mills, who he claimed did not include him in a Madden tournament in the team hotel during a road trip in 2001.

After torching Mills’ team for 67 points, Arenas was reportedly seen scouring the streets of Houston with a basketball and a referee yelling, “Sura! Where are you?!”

Latrell Sprewell somehow named to All-Star team

Due to a rash of injuries, Latrell Sprewell was somehow named to represent the West in this weekend’s NBA All-Star game.

This year’s game, which will brilliantly be held in Las Vegas, will lack such stars as Steve Nash, Allen Iverson, and most likely Jason Kidd, because of injuries.

After naming Ray Allen and Mehmet Okur to the West’s squad as replacements, Commissioner David Stern threw caution to the wind and called for Sprewell too.

“I thought ‘Hey, I kind of miss that guy. Why not? Gimme some Spree,’” the uber-smug Stern said.

Sprewell, who was on the set of “Predator III,” immediately flew to Vegas upon hearing the good news, poised to dunk on someone’s head or choke someone out.

NHL to stage games in London next season

Still no word on whether they plan to hold any hockey matches in the United States...

NHL in London