With the NBA All-Star Weekend struggling to capture the luster it once had (when the NBA’s star players actually gave a crap), David Stern has announced several new competitions to spice things up and more reflect today’s NBA game (the scintillating shooting competition with WNBA players will obviously stay):
6pm – 8pm: NBA Wives vs. Mistresses Game*
The stage is set for a heated battle between NBA players' wives and their mistresses. Game is to be played in high-heels, with guest referee Jackie Christie calling the action.
Early Favorites: The fat chicks players married in college
* Note: Only mistresses in Las Vegas area are eligible to play.
8pm - TBD: Dribbling Endurance Competition
Two players stand face to face at the top of the key and dribble relentlessly. The winner is determined when one man gives up or crowd is bored to death.
Early favorites: Steve Francis, Baron Davis, LeBron James, Lil’ Bow Wow
Early Favorite: Nerdy white businessman in row 15
8:30pm – 9pm: Stephen Jackson vs the Crowd
Stephen Jackson is released into the crowd via parachute from the roof. If the audience can keep him from reaching center court for 10 minutes, everyone wins a chalupa.
Early Favorite: Stephen Jackson
9pm - 10pm: The Audience Charge
Two players try to draw as many charges as they can in a 2-minute span from unsuspecting audience members walking around the arena. Referees and cameras will be placed everywhere to capture the action. Bonus points for drawing a charge on someone carrying mass amounts of food or someone in a bathroom.
Early Favorites: Manu Ginobili, Shane Battier, Jeff Van Gundy
10pm – 11pm: 3-Point “Shootout”*
Similar to the traditional 3-Point contest from years past, this updated version will also have one player on each bench with a .45 and an unlimited supply of ammo as they try to shoot the balls out of mid-air. The player to shoot down the most balls wins an armored Hummer complete with dead driver and luxury blood-stained seats.*
Early Favorites: Sebastian Telfair, Dale Davis, Stephen Jackson, Lawrence Frank, any member of AI's posse.
* Note: Event to be supervised by Police Officer Olden Polynice.
11pm - 11:01pm: Where's Craig Sager?
The only carry-over from last year. Two lucky audience members are picked to stand at mid-court, first one to spot Craig Sager in the crowd wins a game-worn Sager neon green sequence suit. (Contestants will try to best 2006 winner Rob Gaines record 0.5 seconds.)
11:02pm – 12am: Legends vs. Current Stars Chicken Fights
Heated chicken fights with past and present superstars. Teams include:
-Manute Bol with Muggsey Bogues on shoulders
-Gheorghe Murehsan with Michael Adams on shoulders
-Shaq with Earl Boykins on shoulders
-Yao with Nate Robinson on shoulders
Early Favorite: John Stockton with Mark Eaton on shoulders
12am – 2am (Sunday): Life on the Road Competition
Held via satellite from the Bunny Ranch, five NBA players compete to see how many illegitimate children they can father in a three day period.
Early Favorites: Jason Kidd, Jason Williams, Tyrus Thomas, and Zach Randolph. Shawn Kemp to officiate.
Huge Underdog: Dick Bavetta