The Sports Hernia Blog

Lord Littlebrook furious with David Eckstein

Following the disturbing news out of Cardinals camp yesterday that Kurt Angle was taking BP hacks (and distributing HGH) with Albert Pujols and company, a violent, feisty storm in the form of wrestling great Lord Littlebrook (left) made it's way North and onto the Hernia's conference room speakerphone.

Angry about missing out on the BP opportunity he felt was rightfully his, and generally feeling dissed by the wrestling obsessed David Eckstein who made the arrangements, Littlebrook wasted no time in chastising the miniature shortstop, eerily similar to the frightening in-ring rants we were so used to seeing during his mystifying wrestling career.

"What did that little shit say about Angle? 'We have one of the greats of all-time with us today, it's definitely a thrill?'" the 4'4" Littlebrook asked as his blood began to boil. "A thrill?? I'll give Eckstein a thrill alright, in the form of a Littlebrook Giant Swing that'll send him flying into the 2nd row. When that little troll finds his way out of the medium popcorn he lands in, then we can ask him what it's like to be in the presence of greatness. Littlebrook... out!"

Warner Wolf escapes from New York TV studio...

(NEW YORK, NY) -- A nationwide manhunt for crazed feral broadcaster Warner Wolf has commenced after the spunky sports anchor broke free from his chains in his midtown Manhattan studio. Sources say Wolf was last seen prowling Central Park, jumping from rock to rock, scratching his mid-section furiously. 

Wolf, who slowly lost his mind as the industry went digital, stripping him of his signature "Let's go to the videotape!" catch phrase, is considered extremely dangerous and should not be approached without pepper spray or a tazer.

 

A New Issue of The Sports Hernia is up on the mainpage...

A new issue of the Sports Hernia is UP on the MAIN PAGE.  Inside you will find:

- Hubie Brown going into painstaking, excruciating detail during an instant replay...CLICK HERE

- Legendary perm pioneer Jack Sikma is inducted into the Sports Hernia Hall of Fame...CLICK HERE

- Big Bad Weiss delivers a heartfelt FU to Dick Vitale...CLICK HERE

- An emotional Mark Messier is enshrined into the Bone Zone Hall of Fame...CLICK HERE

- Manu Ginobili inks a deal with Swiffer...CLICK HERE

Enjoy...

Sr. Editor Vice-President Chief Executive Ass-clown,

Gerrard Sir Hornypants

Manny Ramirez in secret negotiations to star in Battlefield Earth sequel

Plotline:

In the year 3000, Manny is no match for the Psychlos, a manipulative race of aliens on a quest for global domination. Led by the seductive and powerful Terl, the Psychlos have taken all natural resources for themselves and left manny-kind behind to rot.

Embattled Pavano brings in Chris Chandler as personal trainer

The Yankees $40 million dollar, sloppy-titted trainwreck of a starting pitcher, Carl Pavano continued his heroic comeback from multiple injuries today as he was successfully able to fasten both cleats to his feet for the first time since taking a "line drive" off his left foot. This would normally be huge news in itself for the grumpy prick from Connecticut but the excitement at Legends Field didn't end there. Sporting a confident grin for the first time since he began urinating on his own again, Pavano introduced his new personal trainer and former bag-of-bones QB, Chris Chandler to an entertained gathering of media members. The new workout regime and pitching philosophy, etched on two ribs sticking out of Chandler's torso, included the following:

• sit in a pool
• sit on a couch
• sit in a bar
• run in place in the shower for 15 minutes
• sharpen focus by going for long bike rides while substituting water with Nyquil
• rollerblade in crowded, high traffic areas while heavily intoxicated
• test reflexes against the pitching machine by catching balls in your mouth
• wear 6" cleats on turf to make sure you tear something
• instead of traditional punching bag, spar with a concrete wall to pick up your intensity
• if a line drive is coming straight at you, stare awkwardly at it until it hits you, then crumple to the ground like a dead horse
• when diving for ball, turn all of your limbs into awkward positions before abruptly landing
• while falling off the mound, be sure to plant one foot and twist hard
• on off days, separate your pitching shoulder for fun
• put a brick on the accelerator of your Porsche, sit back, and take a nap

Van Gundy's "Middle Earth" beard fails to inspire Rockets win

Bold departure from Renaissance toupee leaves critics baffled...

RadMan admits he was upset no one carried him off the slope

The Vladimir Radmanovic legend continued to grow yesterday as he revealed his shoulder injury actually occurred while snowboarding. Following his painful disclosure, the always interesting hairy Wolfman confessed what hurt most in all of this was the nondescript, formulaic manner in which he was carted off the slopes.

"They picked me up on a snowmobile and didn't even know my name. They just kept calling me 'dude' and asking me why I was crying. I'm used to certain treatment, and getting strapped to the back of a snow-cart wasn't exactly what I had in mind.  Did I expect Jerome James and Fortson to magically appear? No, but I did expect to be carried. The RadMan likes to be carried."

Sosa arrives to camp amid rampant gayroid rumors

Sammy takes a quick spin to his 1st manicure

NBA deals that fell threw at the last hour

Despite another over-hyped, crappy trade deadline that came and went, Hernia correspondent Sid Montague takes a peek into blockbusters that could have been, if not for various last minute hang-ups.

-Sources say the Blazers, obscenely jealous of the attention the Pacers have been getting and tired of Raef LaFrentz's 'not getting arrested' shtick, were openly dangling the flimsy Solar-Power Forward in hopes of getting boxes of ammo and a few used body bags in return. The Blazers were also said to be fending off the Cincinnati Bengals and Sing Sing for the Titans' foot-chewing, strawberry gobbling, PacMan Jones.

-The Knicks City Dancers were said to be focused on acquiring the services of the amazing Vladimir Radmanovic, but were unsuccessful in reaching the spunky Serbian. In fact, at press time, reps were still waiting to leave a message on his cell phone voicemail which continued to play a neverending techno song.

-Jeff Van Gundy and George Karl were mulling a possible swap of porn collections, with Van Gundy's insistence on not including his cherished "Weapons of Ass Destruction 3" DVD as the likely deal breaker.

-Pacers transvestite forward Jeff Foster burned up the phone lines all day in a failed attempt to capture Vince Carter's vagina.

-The Atlanta Hawks boldy tried to trade their entire roster for the Seven Dwarfs just to see if anyone would notice, but were rebuffed at the last minute.

-The increasingly disgruntled Paul "Beetle" Pierce pleaded with management for a trade to Jersey City after learning his local Store 24 stopped carrying scratch-off tickets and B&M baked beans.

-For the 3rd straight year, Mike Miller's desperate search for somebody, anybody's eyebrows was unsuccessful. Coincidentally, Miller's baffled agent spent the entire afternoon fending off phone calls from confused WNBA agents looking to strike a deal for his freaky client.

Minor deals that went down:

-ESPN shipped Chad Ford to DraftExpress.com for Randy the intern and a used box-set of Mr. Belvedere VHS tapes dubbed in Spanish.

-In the most unfortunate of circumstances and in the midst of classic trade day confusion, Peter Vecsey traded himself to the Sacramento Bee.

Breaking News: Jeter gave back BFF bracelet 'years ago'

Yankee camp was rocked again this morning when Alex Rodriguez revealed that Jeter had in fact given back A-Rod's BFF bracelet "years ago".

"Look fellas, I am only going to address this once, Derek and I are not best friends anymore, he gave back his BFF bracelet to me a long time ago," revealed the purple-lipped slugger to a group of 40-year old men who claimed to be reporters. "I haven't been invited to a sleep over at the Jeter house in years and yes, I am jealous that Posada is getting all of his attention."

As A-Rod continued to say that their relationship is still good, but not what is once was, it was clear he misses those days with his BFF and wants them back badly. "I mean, I miss those days when we played Blades of Steel, ping pong, and army all day, but that is the past.  I am still friends with him, sometimes we have lunch together in the cafeteria, I cheer for him when he is at the plate, and the other day he picked me first in a pick-up basketball game.  It is not what it once was, but things happen, you meet new people, change teams a few times to chase some money, and get married. I am fine with it.  That is all I am going to say on this."

When Joe Torre was asked about the two superstars relationship, he simply replied, "A-Rod has to get over it,  even Jeter and I have drifted apart since we stopped going to swingers clubs together."