The Yankees $40 million dollar, sloppy-titted trainwreck of a starting pitcher, Carl Pavano continued his heroic comeback from multiple injuries today as he was successfully able to fasten both cleats to his feet for the first time since taking a "line drive" off his left foot. This would normally be huge news in itself for the grumpy prick from Connecticut but the excitement at Legends Field didn't end there. Sporting a confident grin for the first time since he began urinating on his own again, Pavano introduced his new personal trainer and former bag-of-bones QB, Chris Chandler to an entertained gathering of media members. The new workout regime and pitching philosophy, etched on two ribs sticking out of Chandler's torso, included the following:
- sit in a pool
- sit on a couch
- sit in a bar
- run in place in the shower for 15 minutes
- sharpen focus by going for long bike rides while substituting water with Nyquil
- rollerblade in crowded, high traffic areas while heavily intoxicated
- test reflexes against the pitching machine by catching balls in your mouth
- wear 6" cleats on turf to make sure you tear something
- instead of traditional punching bag, spar with a concrete wall to pick up your intensity
- if a line drive is coming straight at you, stare awkwardly at it until it hits you, then crumple to the ground like a dead horse
- when diving for ball, turn all of your limbs into awkward positions before abruptly landing
- while falling off the mound, be sure to plant one foot and twist hard
- on off days, separate your pitching shoulder for fun
- put a brick on the accelerator of your Porsche, sit back, and take a nap
