Our SportsHernia psychic predicts the future and gave us an amazingly accurate timeline of the upcoming NBA All-Star Weekend in Las Vegas.
10:38 p.m. - A disgusted Dominique Wilkins challenges up and coming assbag Tyrus "Get paid and go home" Thomas to a dunk-off and proceeds to bring the house down by windmill dunking Nate Robinson.
11:01 p.m. – Dikembe Mutumbo shatters the back of an unsuspecting fan sitting in the first row with a thunderous slap, after a hilarious missed dunk by Dwight Howard sends the legendary center into a tizzy.
7:02 p.m. - Gilbert "agent zero" Arenas decides his blindfold is not enough of a handicap for the All-Star game and shows up wearing a fake peg leg, two metal hooks for hands, and a parrot on his shoulder.
7:43 p.m. - During warm-ups, the players reveal their blinking-light sequence uniforms, complimented with numerous feathers. Amazingly, an improvement from previous years uniforms.
8:36 p.m. – An over zealous ass-kissing, chest-bumping, and hugging session between players before the opening tip leads to an impromptu orgy.
8:45 p.m. – Referee Dick Bavetta gets in the All-Star game spirit and throws the opening tip off the West backboard.
8:47 p.m. - Seated courtside, Oakley and MJ celebrate their winnings as the East does indeed score first.
8:50 p.m. - Special guest referee Jake O'Donnell ejects Clyde Drexler from the stands.
8:52 p.m. - Misreading the playfulness of the first quarter, first-year All Star Mehmet Okur yells to Kobe: "I'm open for three, n***a!"
8:59 p.m. – Despite David Stern’s ban, Tim Hardaway somehow nabs a courtside seat, nestled between Siegfried and Roy.
9:03 p.m. - David Stern officially destroys the term "Vegas, baby!" by awkwardly repeating it six times in a 30-second span during a 1st quarter interview with a jazzed Jim Grey.
9:21 p.m. – Longtime prankster Shaq checks into the game using Nets coach Larry Frank as his shorts.
9:29 p.m. – First completed alley-oop after 47 missed attempts.
9:32 p.m. – Game is delayed 10 minutes after a wild, ambitious behind the back pass from Kobe to himself ends up trapped in Wayne Newton's toxic waste of a hairdo.
9:43 p.m. - In attendance to watch the game, Detlef Schrempf inexplicably launches and connects on a 3-pointer from the 10th row.
10:30p.m. - The entire crowd leaves immediately after the score surpasses the 243 over/under mark 2 minutes into the 4th quarter.
10:32 p.m. - Carlos Boozer hides Tony Parker in his chest hair, completing the first-ever Hairball of Liberty play.
11:12 p.m. - Michael Jordan bets his legacy that LeBron James will miss the last shot.