It's what we've all been waiting for. Finally, an update from ESPN's 2,201-hour Super Bowl pregame show that began in early November. The following are notes from several reliable Hernia sources who have regrettably been a part of the unusually lengthy broadcast:
- Not much was accomplished on day 56 (then again "not much" has been a familiar theme down here) after a deadly combination of Chris Berman's overwhelming sweat and Tom Jackson's powerful, rapid-fire spit spray formed like Voltron, creating a raging flood that carried two unidentified interns and Berman's entire make-up team to an area of South Beach where rescuers continue to search for them.
- Chris Berman, completely spent from doling out nicknames to every single employee at Dolphin Stadium as well as every person within a 5-mile radius of the field, has become somewhat delirious on the set, turning his "blue cheese foot bucket" into a helmet, and tackling random members on the set with varying degrees of success.
- Steve Young's white high horse took an unexpected gallop up North this past Thursday following a report that Barbaro, a close friend and workout partner, was taking a turn for the worse. Young was forced to settle for a poorly built mechanical horse that has buckled twice, prematurely tossing the former Super Bowl MVP from the set, thus inciting a wild laughfest among members of the production crew.
- In quite possibly the worst condition of any on-set personality, Stuart Scott appears to have completely malfunctioned. His normally incoherent shtick has turned into straight up gibberish as he can be seen wandering on and around the set, muttering to no one in particular, an assortment of retardo-babble such as, "Boo-ya-Bro-Holla at ya boi-Ding! Who loves ya-Hater in tha house-Playa-Boo-ya-Ding! The laawd said to rise up-'Da U! My pillow ain't cool-Boo-ya-Ding!" With the on-set buzz indicating the end is near, Stu could soon suffer the same fate as Mike Golic, who was released and shipped home early after morphing into Fozzy Bear.
- Michael Irvin appears to be the only one who's gone unscathed throughout the broadcast, performing admirably and logging an impressive amount of on-set hours. Constantly charged up and visibly bouncy, the only time Irvin has actually left the set has been for sudden breaks to his customized private bathroom, complete with stripper pole, armed security, his hilariously dedicated barber, countless members of his entourage, as well as video conferencing capabilities for friends serving time in the Miami clink.
- Mysteriously absent from the set for the past 2 1/2 weeks have been John Clayton and Sean Salisbury who were last seen in a "glow-stick joust" on the dance floor at one of Miami's hottest clubs.
More to come...