CBS football commentator Phil Simms was rushed to the E.R. late last night after waking up with grotesquely swollen lips. Sources say Simms' lips were noticeably swollen following his ass-kissing tour de force in the AFC Championship Game, and was already complaining about soreness during the commercial breaks to the production crew.
"I'd be lying to you if I said we weren't concerned the minute this match-up was official" said CBS Sports bigwig Jerry Krapstein. "Usually, we try to limit Phil to games with only one prominent QB ass to suck, but this was the perfect ass-kissing storm, if you will. I mean, Manning AND Brady? We're lucky his face didn't look like J-Lo's ass by halftime."
When Simms wasn't citing the 75 different conversations he had with various coaches, coordinators, players wives, maintenance workers and hot dog vendors before the game, his lips were firmly entrenched on both quarterbacks all too ample and willing buttocks.
"Aahhhoohh, did you see that, Jim?! Ohhh, TOM BRADY. Look at the footwork" gushed a visibly sweating Simms during a 2nd quarter Patriots drive, "This guy is just sooo smart. Look at the patience, Jim...the big powerful arm....a perfect strike... Wow. Please bang my wife Tom, she's all yours".
Minutes later, with no rest in sight, Simms was back at it. "Ohhhh wow, whooooaa. PEYTON MANNING. That throw is almost impossible, Jim. People just don't realize how hard that pass is. The quick delivery, the strong arm, the pin-point accuracy. Are we sure Manning isn't Jesus? Has anyone looked into this? Wow..."
Simms remains in stable condition at a New Jersey hospital. He has already received visits from fellow broadcasters Joe Thiesman and Sean Salisbury, who have gone through the same operation in the past.