The Sports Hernia Blog

Dallas hosting top secret hockey All-Star week

Rumors of an NHL season continued to gain steam as last night was apparently the All-Star SuperSkills competition. Unfortunately, the event continued with the season-long trend of not being aired on television due to fan-interactive games that some thought might be damaging to a league image none of us knew even existed.   

Family-fun themes such as the "name at least three players on the ice and we'll pay you to stay" game, "admit that Columbus actually has a team and win a pair of Freezy Freakies" contest, and the "pretend you're having fun or get violently drilled wth pucks" game went off to mixed reaction among the Dallas crowd of 106.

Other interesting highlights:

The East won the YoungStars game, which was wisely changed from its original name, the YoungStars Only in Former Soviet Nations competition...

Fastest skater . . .  1) Dan Jansen 2) Brian Boitano 3) Apollo Ohno 4) Pat LaFontaine 

Fastest shot . . .  1) Ted Nugent 2) Chris Bosh 3) Mario (above, center ice) 4) Jack Donovan, bartender at Dallas watering hole Trinity Hall Irish Pub

Olympics to introduce Human Slingshot in 2008

                 

The Human Slingshot will make it's transition from an X-Games event to an Olympic sport in 2008.  No word yet on if the Flying Tomato will compete.

Australian Open action heats up as Serena, Roddick advance

The Hernia unveils Super Bowl subplots

With ridiculous puff pieces and endless analysis expected on Peyton exorcising his A-Rod/Marino demons, the Hernia sleuth unveiled a list of storylines, rumors, and possibilities the media will least likely swarm to like rats on speed, but are bubbling under the surface heading into Super Bowl Week, er Weeks:

• NFL/FBI/ATF allow Tank Johnson to travel to Miami but only in actual Tank; will Madden be riding shotgun?
• Bears extremely confident despite having nerd from Summer School at starting QB
• Paula Abdul rumored to be sitting in Brian Griese's specially reserved "drunk box"
• Kicker Robbie Gould in MTV's South Beach Undercover
• Joe and Dan Klecko's steel cage happy hour with Tackleberry
• Eli assigned to carry Peyton's ego in Miami; Archie assigned to carry Eli's Legos
• Dallas Clark - great post-season tight end or Dukes of Hazard extra?
• Bill Belichick - attending the game, partying in Vegas, or in Paris seeking expensive gray sweatshirts with fellow fashion whore Bill Parcells?
• Will Urlacher reunite with his father, Ram-man?
• Will Stuart Scott awkwardly fist-bump the hell out of Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith, or will he break out the ass-bump?
• Will Michael Irvin finally snort a hash-mark?
• Will CBS hopefully replace Jim Nantz with the great Jim Mora Sr. at the last minute?

Phil Simms rushed to hospital for emergency lip replacement surgery after marathon Brady/Manning ass-kissing session

CBS football commentator Phil Simms was rushed to the E.R. late last night after waking up with grotesquely swollen lips.  Sources say Simms' lips were noticeably swollen following his ass-kissing tour de force in the AFC Championship Game, and was already complaining about soreness during the commercial breaks to the production crew.

"I'd be lying to you if I said we weren't concerned the minute this match-up was official" said CBS Sports bigwig Jerry Krapstein. "Usually, we try to limit Phil to games with only one prominent QB ass to suck, but this was the perfect ass-kissing storm, if you will.  I mean, Manning AND Brady? We're lucky his face didn't look like J-Lo's ass by halftime."

When Simms wasn't citing the 75 different conversations he had with various coaches, coordinators, players wives, maintenance workers and hot dog vendors before the game, his lips were firmly entrenched on both quarterbacks all too ample and willing buttocks.

"Aahhhoohh, did you see that, Jim?! Ohhh, TOM BRADY. Look at the footwork" gushed a visibly sweating Simms during a 2nd quarter Patriots drive, "This guy is just sooo smart. Look at the patience, Jim...the big powerful arm....a perfect strike... Wow. Please bang my wife Tom, she's all yours". 

Minutes later, with no rest in sight, Simms was back at it. "Ohhhh wow, whooooaa. PEYTON MANNING. That throw is almost impossible, Jim. People just don't realize how hard that pass is. The quick delivery, the strong arm, the pin-point accuracy.  Are we sure Manning isn't Jesus? Has anyone looked into this? Wow..."

Simms remains in stable condition at a New Jersey hospital.  He has already received visits from fellow broadcasters Joe Thiesman and Sean Salisbury, who have gone through the same operation in the past.

Rex Grossman joins elite group of awful Super Bowl QBs

Yesterday Rex Grossman became the latest embarrassing quarterback to be carried to the Super Bowl by something, anything other than himself. By doing so, Rex catapulted himself into rare, special company. Read this list at your risk:

• Tony Eason, Super Bowl XX
• Stan Humphries, Super Bowl XXIX
• Neil O'Donnell, Super Bowl XXX*
• Chris Chandler, Super Bowl XXXIII*
• Kerry Collins* AND Trent Dilfer, Super Bowl XXXV
• Brad Johnson AND Rich Gannon*, Super Bowl XXXVII
• Ben Roethlisberger, Super Bowl XL**

*Indicates player was invited to opposing teams victory parade.

**Indicates Steelers fans will cry about this, but Big Bonehead was 9/21, 123 yds, 2INTs.

Proof that pictures say 1,000 words

Colts 38 Patriots 34  F

   

Kevina vs. Antonia

Another NBA throwdown for the ages. Itchy & Scratchy would certainly NOT be proud:

Some USC guy snubs Raiders for "no reason"

 
Hard to believe anyone, including a quarterbacks coach at the college level, would ever pass up a coaching gig with Al Davis and the tight ship that is "the Raidahhs."

Vick "weed bottle" baffling investigators

The Michael Vick "weed bottle" saga got even more puzzling Thursday as police authorities in Miami, following a thorough investigation of the contents inside the bottle's secret compartment, discovered Vick's brother Marcus, a piece of paper containing the secret code to Mike Tyson's Punchout, and an unopened copy of Howie Long's Football for Dummies.